The red squirrel (Sciurus vulgaris and others), also known as the Nutzy Rouge, is found in one form or another around the world. In some areas they are overly abundent; in others their numbers are declining.

Needless to say, it is the decline that interests us. For example, in the mountains of Arizona, just below a deep-space observatory, the Mt. Graham red squirrel earned a place on the endangered species list in 1987. Today, their numbers continue to decline thanks in part to Dendroctonus rufipennis - the spruce beetle (click skwerl for comment; see link below).

However, infinitely more interesting is the plight of the indigenous red skwerl in England. There, the Nutzy Rouge's dramatic plunge has it close to extinction. The cause? The Eastern Grey Squirrel (Sciurus carolinensis) introduced from North America at the end of the 1800's. Why? The greys outcompete the reds for food and territory. Their omniverous ways are literally starving the reds out of England...

  

This rift in the bushytail horde's otherwise unified front has a bit of irony to it. As any Patriot can tell you, the chitterbox behind the nutzy drive for squirrel world domination is Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel, an English red himself. However, most would agree that Tufty is the skwerlien equivalent of a sociopath, with hardly a care that his own clan is being wiped out in this English civil war.

Now, a new development in this century-old conflict has skwerlhuggers frantic with concern and Patriots cautiously optimistic. Grey skwerlballs have made their way onto the Isle of Wight off England's southern coast where previously there'd been none:

Grey invaders threaten island's red squirrels
By Stewart Payne and Tom Peterkin
(www.telegraph.co.uk - 10/07/2002)

Grey squirrels have been seen on the Isle of Wight, one of the last strongholds of the red squirrel, leading to fears that the native species will come under further threat.

The red squirrel has disappeared from much of mainland England but survives on the Isle of Wight because there are no greys. The larger grey, introduced from America in 1876, successfully competes for food and nesting places and carries a virus harmful to the red.

Yesterday it was announced that three grey squirrels had been sighted on the western tip of the island. Last year a dead female grey was found in the area and there were fears that it might already have produced young.

The island council's ecology department, English Nature, the Forestry Commission and local wildlife groups have joined forces to trace the intruders.

REDS VS. GREYS

click thumbs for large pics - reds courtesy of Patriot Nikky; greys Patriot Reeve

This ongoing skwerlien conflict is causing problems for English skwerlhuggers as well. Many advocate killing the greys to save their precious reds (euphemistically called targeted grey squirrel control). This convoluted position is undoubtedly a causative factor in the declining mental health of many a skwerlvert.

  However, we know an opportunity when we see one. We think we can capitalize on this bloodlust by encouraging red skwerl-firsters to "target" the greys (click anti-grey skwerlverts to here sample pitch). They'll eagerly take up the call believing they'll save the Nutzy Rouge, but infact, many experts believe it's already to late for Sciurus vulgaris. Then, when the last red is gone, this army of crazed skwerl killers will become even more incensed by the greys betrayal that they'll... well, you get the picture... and not even Tufty himself will be able to stop the storm of skwerl whacking that will rage across the UK.

Patriots, an opportunity like this doesn't come along very often - the opportunity to watch pathetic skwerlhuggers eliminate every last chitterbox from the UK under the delusion that they'll save the red skwerl. Thus, only one question remains...

SCENES FROM THE WASTELAND - THE ISLE OF WIGHT
click thumbs for large versions - see links for sources