scary squirrel world BACK TO THE BEACH 2003

PART 1: THE GATHERING STORM...

As long-time Patriots know, California's coastline has experienced some of the most horrendous battles in the war against squirrel world domination.

Moonstone Beach, La Jolla, Laguna, Pacifica... just some of the names etched forever in our minds and hearts as we recall the glorious victories and shattering defeats in our righteous struggle.

Unfortunately, the war is far from over. Even now, somewhere, pathetic skwerlhuggers are laboring hard to spread the false promises of squirrel world domination. They aid and abet the enemy like the slavering running dogs of oppression they really are...

So, we were hardly surprised when we heard that the Squirrel Enforcement Army (SEA) was planning an assault on the City of Buenaventura (Ventura), a coastal city located just to the north of Los Angeles, California.

Intelligence reports also indicated that a group of especially hebephrenic skwerlhuggers were supplying the drooling chitterboxes with all manner of foodstuffs along a beachfront promenade.

CLICK FOR PANICKED COMMENT Unconfirmed reports claimed that the promenade skwerls were capable of leaping 10 or more feet over concrete retaining walls and had already attacked invalids and tourists staying at a local hotel (click panic-striken hotel guest for comment).

In response, the city decided to rid itself of the skwerlballs using poisoned bait. Poisoning is the convenient and standardized method of controlling or eliminating rodent infestations around the world. The preferred poisons for this type of thing: Wilco Ground Squirrel Bait and/or Diphacin (PCQ).

End of story and a glorious victory for anit-skwerl forces, right? Maybe, maybe not. We'll let you be the judge of that as you read on...

CLICK FOR HIDEOUS CHITTER   We first learned of the skwerlien promenade conspiracy in December 2002. As per Anti-Squirrel Coalition (ASC) procedure and protocol we asked our Ventura area operative to investigate.

  The operative discovered that the supposed SEA army was no more than an isolated colony of California Ground Squirrels, inbred and groveling for handouts at the foot of the Ventura Promenade where cement meets sand (click inbred g-skwerl for comment).

So, what occurred to bring down the the wrath of the city. Our operative reports...

The problem is that the skwerlhuggers up there are feeding them (skwerls) wayyyyyyy too much food. Listen to this, 35 lb bag of dog food, 25 lb bag of carrots, two huge trash bags full of bread. That's ONE feeding and there are only maybe 100 squirrels! They've attracted every rat, mouse, pigeon for miles. The animals are all obese and the skwerlhuggers keep saying they need more food. I told them to stop if for no other reason than the health of the squirrels, but they won't. They're a little eccentric.

SCENES FROM THE WASTELAND...
CLICK FOR COMMENT CLICK FOR LARGE VERSION CLICK FOR LARGE VERSION
LEFT-RIGHT: SKWERLHUGGER RESPONDS TO ASC CRITICISM; PIGEONS-N-SKWERLS; RAT-N-SKWERL

Patriots, isn't it ironic that skwerlhuggers are responsible for the death sentence placed upon the Promenade Nutzys? But wait, there's more...

PART 2: SOAP BY THE SEA...

Now, when it comes to vermin control, there's never a complaint when a city moves to eliminate rats, gophers, mice, even pigeons and doves. But harm one whisker on a chitterbox and skwerlvert whiners line up to bewail and moan.

So, the city shouldn't have been surprised when Ventura's skwerlhuggers enlisted the aid of an animal rescue and education organization, Animal Advocates.

Sympathetic to the plight of the squirrels, but not to the minions of skwerlhuggery, Animal Advocates negotiated with the city to resolve the problem. The group concluded that overfeeding was the primary concern. Eliminate the food and the rats and pigeons would go elsewhere. Meanwhile, the skwerl population would return to naturally sustainable numbers. Their plan included...

  • Support for a new city code banning the feeding of squirrels and other wildlife.
  • Trapping and relocating some of the squirrels prior to any culling.
  • Placing poison bait away from the squirrels' main habitat (targeting the rats instead).

    The city initially agreed to work with Animal Advocates. In fact, in a December 11, 2002 letter to Animal Advocates Director Mary Cummins, the city indicated that a rat infestation was its main concern. The city even hinted that it supported the false promises of squirrel world domination...

    "I think that we agree that we do not want to see a needless eradication of the squirrels. They are cute..."

    and...

    "With respect to the squirrel population, curtailing the mass feeding will effectively reduce the population and subsequent reproduction. If we were simply dealing with squirrels, the (poisoning) would not be necessary."

    However, in March 2003, the city had a change of heart. It dispatched a local pest control company to do the deed. Padre Pest Control spread PCQ, a rodenticide that causes internal bleeding and death...

      CLICK FOR SKWERL'S LAST WORDS
    NUTS NO MORE

    What caused the city to take a hardline position? According to Mary Cummins, the switch was a soap opera of croneyism...

    "It changed when the Aloha Steak House got approved 2/21/03. It's directly in front of the poisoning area. The deputy mayor's best friend owns that restaurant. He helped get him the restaurant lease for $100 a month instead of $5,500 to $6,000. That's when the plan changed. Brian Brennen, Deputy Mayor told me he wants all pigeons, squirrels and most of the gulls out of there. They don't belong there. They're a health hazard to his buddy's restaurant. This guy's political ticket was the environment! He's a part of Surfrider Foundation."

    AND THE WINNER IS...

    In response to the city's action, Animal Advocates organized a protest. Skwerlhuggers flocked to the Promenade. They alleged that the city had violated federal and state law by blanketing the area with poison rather than distributing it via bait stations. Fish and Game and the Water Board also took note and stepped in to investigate.

    The city denied the allegations. It maintained that the poison posed no threat to other wildlife or humans; and that they needed no special permits to dispatch the skwerls (California ground squirrels are legally considered vermin).

    Nonethless, the protest had its effect. The city decided to back off further poisonings, at least temporarily.

    Patriots, at this point you would expect us to berate the city for cowing to the mewlings of a few skwerlverts. After all, we're all for eliminating the threat of squirrel world domination, right?

    CLICK FOR HIDEOUS CHITTER The answer to the question is emphatically yes. However, this situation is different. The skwerls in question pose no threat. They aren't devouring crops and crippling livestock as in Surprise Valley. They aren't accelerating beach cliff erosion as in Laguna Beach. And, they haven't unleashed a flood by burrowing through the bank of an irrigation ditch (click skwerl for comment).

    Moreover, Animal Advocates presented the city with a reasonable plan for culling the skwerl population and eliminating the overabundance of pigeons and rats.

    Thus, the city was ill-advised to launch a strike on an essentially neutralized colony of drooling chitterboxes. Their action simply plays into the hands of bleeding-heart Skwerl Firsters. These traitors use such incidents to turn the innocent to the skwerlside and to spread the false promises of squirrel world domination.

    Instead, Ventura should recognize that the skwerlien remnant living in the shadow of the Promenade are no longer fearsome bushytail beach bullies. They've been reduced to the status of panhandling prank-monkeys, buffons and chitterclowns...

    CLICK FOR COMMENT   And there's a thought. If the city were smart, it'd promote the remaining skwerls as "nature's little clowns" and a charming reminder of days gone by, a natural curiosity... like a beached whale. Then visitors and tourists would simply look on them as friendly Bozos (click tourist for reaction to chitterclown sighting).

      Patriots, it's out of character for us to recommend preserving even one slavering nutdevil, and we expect that the more militant amongst you will take us to task for even suggesting it. However, there can be no victory unless we temper our fight against squirrel world domination with mercy... mercy on those rare occasions when a reprieve is warranted...

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