Patriots, what's faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound? Superman you say?
What if we add that this beast lives in England and locals blame it for the impending extinction of the native red skwerl, the decline of bird and small mammal populations, wanton deforestation, etc., etc., etc. Now what do you say?
If you answered the North American Eastern Grey Skwerl, you'd be correct (click skwerl for comment).
For those who don't know, the Eastern Grey Squirrel is native to the eastern United States and Canada.
As the story goes, American diplomat and scientist, Ben Franklin, brought the first grey squirrel to England after the Revolutionary War. It is still a matter of debate whether this was an act of skwerlhuggery or an act of sabotage. Later, a now extinct species of human living in England, Homo Victoria Victorious (aka Victorians), imported many, many more greys to populate their estates and parks.
The grey is a formidable enemy of mankind in its natural habitat, the forests of North America. However, when the grey chitterbox landed on English soil, it somehow developed super powers and destructive capabilities far beyond those in North America.
The Victorians may have been the first casualty of the grey menace, and the British Empire entered a period of decline as their numbers increased. Today, the slavering grey nutzy is found throughout England and parts of Wales, southern Scotland, and Northern Ireland.
The grey effect on England's red skwerl, Sciurus vulgaris (aka Nutzy Rouge), has been devastating. The grey chitterbox outcompetes the red for food and territory. Consequently, the Nutzy Rouge are near extinction in the United Kingdom (click skwerl for comment).
This skwerlien civil war has red skwerlhuggers howling. The Nutzy Rouge's inherent fuzzy-wuzziness makes it the darling of the United Kingdom's skwerlhuggers. They want the grey menace eradicated. In fact, UK skwerlhuggers have a comprehensive plan to preserve the Nutzy Rouge which includes anti-grey propaganda, habitat preservation, and culling grey populations.
The anti-grey propaganda campaign is most interesting. The British press publish story after story describing the grey skwerlball as the spawn of Satan. Similarly, any setback for the grey is advertised with unmitigated glee.
Consider the follwing news brief. It descibes the spread of "mutant" black skwerls across England:
Mutant threatening to wipe out grey squirrel
By Caroline Gammell - Telegraph.co.uk
Last Updated: 12:01am BST 26/04/2008
The grey squirrel could become overrun in parts of Britain within 10 years by its faster, fitter and more aggressive black counterpart, researchers in Cambridge said yesterday.
More than 200 years since the grey was first introduced to Britain and began forcing out the native red squirrel, it now finds itself up against a superior incarnation of the species.
The black squirrel - a genetic mutation of the grey - was first recorded in Britain 90 years ago but now accounts for half of all squirrels in some parts of the country.
They have higher testosterone levels, which is thought to make them more domineering and territorial, while their colouring makes them more attractive to female greys.
Their population growth in recent years is the greatest shift in squirrel demographics since red squirrels were effectively wiped out in 1958.
Helen McRobie, a geneticist, and Alison Thomas, a professor of life sciences, both from Anglia Ruskin University in Cambridge, carried out the first nationwide study of black squirrels.
"The population is expanding across the region and is spreading further every year," said Mrs McRobie. "They could overrun most of the eastern counties within 10 years..."
Source and full article: Telegraph.co.uk
Wait a minute... higher testosterone levels, domineering, more attractive to females... this sounds like some sort of racist profiling and/or mandingo fanatsy. But could it be true?
Patriots, the proof is in the pudding. Apparently, the black skwerl, which is a grey skwerl, has developed yet more aggressive tendencies compared to black squirrels found in North America (which seem to live in harmony with plain ol' greys).
Click the screenshot on your right and observe a video that seems to support McRobie and Thomas' conclusions. Or does it? In it, a testosterone-crazed black skwerl pursues a white female. However, a "normal" colored grey arrives on the scene. Is it a mere cuckold? Or does it engage the black aggressor? You be the judge...
In any event, while conflict between skwerls delays their quest for squirrel world domination, the end result may prove disasterous for mankind. For, if the UK greys are truly mutating into unstoppable, slavering, skwerlien super demons, they may be prone to do what their North American counterparts have done many times in the past: migrate. Then, how long before they spill over the white cliffs of Dover, cross the Channel, and like unholy crusaders, run amok across Europe, Africa, Asia and beyond?
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