Patriots,imagine that you're out for a Sunday drive with your family when, suddenly, a small, heretofore unseen chitterbox races helter-skelter across the road ahead of you. You're horrified by the mere thought, right?

Now consider the real life nightmare described by this anonymous correspondent:

I live in the South East of England and whilst driving through Plumpton (near the famous racecourse) I slowed down to let what I thought at first look was a Squirrel crossing the road. But, this Squirril had a stripey head, a stipey tail and was much smaller than our native Grey or Red Squirrels. I have been looking on the web to see if this was a common occurrence. Of course it may be that it was just one escapee but the area was in the middle of the country and there are not many houses near the location. The nearest small village was Westmeston, near to the big mannor house should any one be interested. I will continue to keep my eyes peeled for further sightings.

There's little doubt that the writer encountered that over-agitated skwerlball popularly known as a "chipmunk". The "stripey head" and "stipey" tail are dead giveaways (click chippy for comment).

But serious questions remain. Specifically, who is the mysterious nutcruncher, where did it come from, how did it get to Plumpton, what does it want, and what should be done to counter the threat?

The writer postulates that the slavering chipster may be "just one escapee". A lone chipmunk would hardly be a concern unless it turned out to be the orphic Chipmunk 1344, or the maniacal Chipper the Ripper. The current whereabouts of these criminals is unknown.

However, recent events suggest a more sinister plot is afoot. Our operative in southern England insists that the correspondent did not encounter a single chippy, but a scout for a cadre of Siberian Cipmunks who escaped from a high security lockdown facility in Wellington Country Park on the Hampshire/Berkshire border in May 2005 (click here for BBC story; opens in new window).

The origins of this invasion force is revealed in the skwerlien's name, Siberian Chipmunk. As many of you know, Siberian skwerls are among the most vicious in the world, running in packs, and devouring everything in their path (see A Ruckus in Russia for more info).

Their mission in England? To run amok like the North American introduced gray squirrel, destroy everything they come in contact with, disrupt commerce and industry, take down the English ecosystem, and to help their bushytail cousins turn the nation into a vassal state of squirrel world domination (for more info, see Anarchy in the UK links below).

As usual, there are those, mostly traitorous skwerlhuggers, who will deny the above scenario. They falsely claim that skwerls are incapable of invading and destroying a nation. Then how do they explain the Squirrel Enforcement Army's recent attempt to overthrow the government of Iran (click here for details); a plot foiled only by chance?

Patriots, the only real issue here is how to stop this latest bushytail plot. We advise the following:

Attack them at the source: to restrict the Siberian menace, deploy a Defensive First Strike Missle system in eastern Europe facing the Soviet Union's Russia and armed with missles capable of reaching the slavering chippies enclaves in darkest Siberia. The missles must also have the capability of leveling Iraq just in case the bushytail horde succeeds in taking over that country (click chippy for comment).

Monitor the sea lanes to intercept any attempts to bring chipmunks to England by pirates such as Twiggy the Waterskiing Squirrel and/or Prizm the Pirate Prairie Dog (see links below for more info). Also, increase airport security and seize all chimpunk-related materials and chippys disguised as children's toys, etc.

Twiggy the Waterskiing Squirrel (L); Prizm the Pirate Prairie Dog (R); click pics for info

Restrict chipmunks in England from living within 2000 feet of human habitat including parks, schools, zoos, and other public and private facilities. This method, successfully used against sex maniacs in the United States, will effectively relocate chippys to highway underpasses where they can be rounded up for the final part of our plan...

Mars needs chipmunks: we proposed sending all of earth's chipmunks to Mars several years ago (see link below). Unfortunately, the plan never received wide support and few people signed their chippys up for the journey. However, the current crisis demands that we rid England of its chipster menance once and for all....