Patriots, hardly a day goes by when we don't get mail from pathetic skwerlhuggers extolling the supposed virtues of squirrel world domination. We even find the more delusional rants entertaining.

However, it saddens us to receive testimonials from innocent citizens who happen upon an unusual looking skwerl and turn immediately to the skwerlside. These bare more careful consideration and a firm, but measured response. Take the following report from "Nigel Herringbloat" of Sheffield, England:

I must tell you of my family's holiday at the beach a few months ago. We were on our way to the coast when mother decided it would be ever so grand to stop at her fat b*tch sister's in Louth. Being that it was tea time, we gathered in the sitting room.

I was bored out of my mind listening to them babble on about this and that and decided to accompany my cousin Beckah to the garden for a toke. So we fired one up and I was feeling no pain after a few hits when I looked around to see a PURE WHITE squirrel staring at me from a fence post.

Well, I'm here to say that Beckah and I had never seen such a wonderous sight. So we rushed up to her room to do a little internet research and found your page. That's how we learned of the Nice Squirrel, from your website. Then we hurried down the stairs, past the prattling morons, and back out to the garden with a loaf of bread we nicked from the pantry.

Sadly, the Nice Squirrel had gone back to whereever He goes when one can't see Him. But we built a shrine at the base of the fence post with some polished stones, a card with a likeness of Saint Francis on it, some blue and gold ribbon, and we placed the bread on it. The next day it was gone!!!

Well, we are so thankful and blessed that we were able to meet His Holiness in person and that He took our offering. He is magnificent and we will worship Him forever!!!

Sincerely yours,
Nigel Herringbloat

Whoa there, Nigel, get a grip. You didn't see the mystical Nice Squirrel. You didn't see it because it doesn't exist in spite of what pathetic skwerlhuggers will tell you (see our "Are There Squirrels in Heaven" page linked below for more info).

What you saw was a color variation of a North American grey skwerl. This beast was introduced into the UK by Victorian skwerlverts who wanted to populate their estates, gardens, and parks with maniacal chitterboxes (some say American diplomat Ben Franklin brought the first gray to England in the late 1700's).

The grey is just one of many sleazy, albeit dangerous skwerlballs in North America. But somehow, the grey skwerl mutated into a slavering, drooling monstrosity as soon as it hit English turf. It's currently described in the British press as as ravenous, unstoppable eating machine that devours rare plants and baby animals, destroys homes, attacks bystanders, and is the primary culprit in the the pending extinction of the UK's beloved version of the Eurasian Red Squirrel (aka the Nutzy Rouge).

 
Nutzy Rouge (R) vs. Grey Menace (L); Photos by Patriot Nikki and Patriot Reeve; click pics for comment

So, if Mr. Herringbloat didn't see the Nice Squirrel, what did he see? As stated above, he must have seen a color variation of the grey skwerl as there are no red chitterboxes in Louth or anywhere nearby (click here for red skwerl distribution map).

However, a little additional research uncovered yet another bushytail conspiracy. Consider the following from the local online news site, Louth Today:

DOES VILLAGE HAVE RARE WHITE SQUIRREL COLONY?
Louth Today - Fri December 22 2006

GRIMOLDBY could be home to a colony of rare white squirrels.

Following an appeal Neil Leese, from High Holme Road, Louth, sent in a photo taken by a friend of his daughter in Grimoldby.

He said the picture clearly shows two white squirrels and there is another hidden in the bush on the right.

Readers have emailed us with numerous sightings of white squirrels, mainly in Manby but also in Legbourne and Louth itself (click for distribution map).

Until now it was not clear if there was just one white squirrel or a whole gang, but this photo confirms there could be a colony of them.

But wait, there's more; a few additional clicks and a whole gallery of slavering white nutzys appeared:

Source: Louth Today; photos by Susan Smith (first and second from left) and J P Rimmer (right)

Patriots, it doesn't take a brain trust to figure out what's going on here. Like meth labs in the desert, the towns of Manby, Grimoldby, Legbourne, and Louth are the nexus for the cloning of white skwerls. These abominations are distributed throughout England by a seditious, covert cadre of radical skwerlverts intent upon bringing squirrel world domination to fruition.

Why would the bushytail horde and its minions go to such extremes? Simple. The better half of the UK is up in arms over the grey squirrel's dominance over the native nutzy rouge. To help preserve the reds, there are serious proposals to cull (kill) the greys on a country-wide scale (click anti-squirrel activist for comment).

However, white squirrels are seen as novelties. Their spread across the UK over the past few years has many looking at the grey chitterbox in a new light (i.e. as a suitable replacement for the reds). Consequently, a backlash of pathetic skwerlhuggery is rising in support of the greys, while thoughts of dispatching a single chitterbox, regardless of color, is rapidly becoming an abhorrent idea.

The consequences of this misguided rush to the skwerlside needn't be imagined...

It is readily observed in North America where entire communities have embraced the false promises of squirrel world domination and declared themselves the "home" of the white skwerl, home of the black skwerl, etc.

Is this the fate that awaits the UK? Europe? Asia? South America? Africa? And beyond? We can only hope that brave Patriots on the British Isles unite to put down this skwerlien conspiracy and strike a telling blow against the bushytail horde...

READER COMMENTS

Makes perfect sense. Brown/grey squirrel + bleach = ?