Some experts believe that the English Red Squirrel (Nutzy Rouge) will become extinct before the end of this century.

The culprit? The non-native Eastern Grey Squirrel. Imported from North America by Victorian skwerlhuggers in the 19th century, it outcompetes the Nutzy Rouge for food, territory, and more (see Blaming Ben link below).

But others say 'not so fast', Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel has a plan to end what some call a modern day English Civil War.

We recently interviewed Tufty in his tree in Pentraeth Forest, Wales about the greys and rumors that he has a plan to stop this latest setback to his plan for squirrel world domination.

Evasive and oblique as ever, Tufty's response points towards an apocalyptic showdown between the warring factions (click Tufty for video comment - in windows media; click here for audio only).

Patriots, it's tempting to simply sit back with a jar of your favorite elixir and enjoy the show as it were... But it's more important to identify Tufty's plan so we can stop it before it begins. To gain insight into what that plan might be, let's review the four major red skwerl preservation strategies employed or proposed by pathetic skwerlhuggers to date: Accomodation, Segregation, Expansionism, and Capitulation...

Accomodation: Accomodators believe that the grey skwerl and the nutzy rouge can live in blissful harmony if each gets enough to eat. The most infamous of these efforts occured at the Stormont estate in Northern Ireland in 1999. The Ulster Wildlife Trust and Northern Ireland's Environment and Heritage Service put out feeders for the red squirrels. Supposedly the feeders were grey squirrel proof; a mechanism would shut the feeder if a heavier-weighing grey tried to get at the delicious nuts within.

This act of skwerlhuggery supposedly put the maniacal, but lighter red skwerl (about 350g) on equal footing with the slavering, but englutted grey chitterboxes (up to 650g).

Was it coincidence that Tufty was in the woods at Stormont and forged the Ulster Squirrel Alliance (USA) at the same time? We think not.

The USA was meant to be a union of the greys and reds with a mission "to make humans history." Fortunately for humankind, the USA dissolved when dissident greys made off with over 50 million pounds of nuts intended for the red feeders.

Segregation: Segregationists have drawn a line in the sand. They maintain that reds and greys can be kept separate by habitat manipulation and quick response to any attempts by the grey menace to infiltrate red territory. They reject the basic tenet of Orthodox Skwerlhuggery that all skwerls are nice. Instead, they maintain that only certain kinds of skwerls fall into the nice catagory, and greys aren't on the list.

To achieve their goal, these "reformed" skwerlhuggers 1) seek to preserve red habitat by creating buffer zones around red skwerl environments; and 2) advocate for laws and regulations that discourage being nice to the grey chitterboxes.

Segregationist strategy includes such things as offering bounties on grey squirrels (click pic for segregationist's comment), and banning the sale of peanuts in Edinburg's Royal Botanic Gardens where Garden spokesperson, Alan Bennel said:

What we have here is wonderfully skilled horticulturists attempting to nurture one of the most exquisitely tailored botanic gardens in the world.

Then along comes the greedy American grey squirrel with its funny foreign habits, namely, it likes eating peanuts, and creates substantial damage to plants.

This nasty, aggressive foreign rodent has also ousted our beautiful native red squirrel from the gardens, not to mention throughout much of Britain.

We thought: 'Why feed these brutes and sow the seeds of our own self-destruction?' It was time for draconian measures, so, we banned selling peanuts.

Expansionism: Expansionists differ from Segregationists in that they forsee the reintroduction and/or the natural migration of red skwerlballs into former territories throughout the UK. The centerpiece of expansionism are captive and wild breeding programs. This is mixed with a healthy dose of habitat restoration and lethal control or elimination of grey squirrel populations.

In June 2004, the First Minister of the Welsh Assembly Government expressed Expansionist sentiment this way: "We are considering whether (the grey skwerl) can live side by side with the red squirrel. The evidence is that it cannot. They will compete them out because they are bigger, stronger, eat more, will out-breed them and push them into the sea, if you like, and the red squirrels will decline to nothing. We will not allow that to happen."

The best example of Expansionism in action is found on the island of Anglesey in Wales. The Friends of the Anglesey Red Squirrel project not only protect the status quo, but actively supports programs to reintroduce the red skwerl across the island (see link below).

The Friends mission is characterized by supporter and wildlife expert Iolo Williams: "I have followed the success of the Anglesey red squirrel project with great interest because it is so heartening to see the reds striking back. Thanks to the dedication of a few individuals, our native squirrel can once more be seen in several Anglesey woodlands and eventually, I would love to see greys eradicated from the whole of Britain. This is unlikely to happen in my lifetime but with the work on Anglesey going from strength to strength, at least there is some hope for future generations.

Capitulation: apparently, there is a growing consensus among some skwerlhuggers that the red skwerl in England is doomed. In May 2005, scary squirrel world obtained a secret Biodiversity Action Plan memorandum issued by a shadowy, government-sponsored organization calling itself the UK Red Squirrel Group (UKRSG). We obtained the memo from our mole within the organization known only as Dr. Hard Nut. The memo reads in part...

The UK Red Squirrel Group has recognised that the removal of the grey squirrel, to reverse the decline of the red, is neither realistic nor achievable and that preventing the spread of greys into areas of broadleaved woodland is extremely difficult. Instead, it has proposed a conservation strategy based on defending red squirrel populations in areas where they appear to be at least competitive disadvantage to grey squirrels.

A consequence of this strategy is that areas outside the priority areas that currently have red squirrels can be expected to lose them over the next decades. This means that the area occupied by reds will decline until it is approximately equal to the area of defended priority areas. Although it may seem unusual to have a BAP target that accepts a decline in range and population, to do otherwise is considered unrealistic and out of step with the UK strategy.

What the foregoing means in plain language is: the UKRSG intends to turn tail and run, abandoning 1/2 of current red habitat to the greys...

Patriots, we know what some of you are thinking... What's the big deal? It's good riddance to bad trash! Besides, isn't Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel a red skwerl? Maybe he'll go down and so will the plan for squirrel world domination!

But, as any Junior Patriot can tell you, Tufty is a Eurasian Red Skwerl with no loyalty to any nation or any chitterbox who does not step into line with his plan for squirrel world domination.

In fact, Tufty distanced himself from the English Nutzy Rouge after the failure of the Ulster Squirrel Alliance and has been less than complimentary towards its leadership (click pic to hear Tufty talk about English Nutzy Rouge leadership).

So, it's unlikely that Tufty will take a fall if the greys prevail, and perhaps just as likely that he's behind the assault on the Nutzy Rouge in the UK.

This brings us back to the Biodiversity Action Plan itself. Should it be implemented, it's the historical equivalent of the ancient Roman Empire recalling its legions from the provinces. Rome recalled the legions to defend it from the barbarian hordes. It didn't work then, and it won't work now.

And, like the fall of Rome, the consequences are staggering. Once the grey menace triumphs over the red nutzys, they'll turn their attention to the human population of England, Scotland, Wales, and Ireland. The UK and Ireland will be plunged into a new Dark Age...

Thus, Tufty will have not only conquered the British Isles, but sent a message to the bushytail horde in all its various manifestations everywhere: It's MY way or the highway! (click Tufty for comment)

Patriots, the threat posed by the UKRSG's plan leads us to only one logical conclusion and two choices: we must either evacuate the human population of the British Isles, or we must support one of four major skwerlhugger strategies to save the red skwerl.

Of the two choices, the first would be treason, but what about the second? It's not treason if it perpetuates the current conflict within the bushytail horde, saves the UK and Ireland, and thereby deals a significant blow to Tufty's plan for squirrel world domination...