Patriots, when the first human raised up from the primordial ooze, bumping his head on a low-hanging tree branch, he found himself face-to-face with humankind's greatest nemesis, a salvering chitterbox (click skwerl for comment).

For millennia thereafter, the human race cowered in caves as fearful of the day as it was the night.

As civilization advanced, the struggle to break the icy grip of squirrel world domination suffered defeat after defeat. Then our most revered, but unkown, Great Patriot levelled the playing field. How? By inventing the wheel. The first skwerl roadkill came soon after... but the wheel had its limits.

So, the drooling nutzys were only momentarily deterred. Their unrelenting assault on civilization contunued. Humans could only pray that the maniacal skwerlballs would turn upon themselves as they approached their goal of world domination in an endgame power struggle.

Meanwhile, things went from bad to worse. The cult of Orthodox Skwerlhuggery arose. It preached human salvation under the despotic rule of the skwerlien menace. Pathetic skwerlhuggers engaged in the most outrages acts of betrayal to promote squirrel world domination.

Ironically, skwerlhuggery is also responsible for initiating the first conflict within nutzy ranks. As the story goes, American Founding Father, Benjamin Franklin, brought a North American grey squirrel to England while on a diplomatic assignment around the time of the American Revolutionary War (click Ben for comment).

Was Ben Franklin a pathetic skwerlhugger? Unfortunately, we've been unable to verify that Franklin ever brought a grey squirrel to Europe (the reference appears as trivia on a skwerlhugger page, squirrelworld.com). So, we can't be certain.

Researching further, we found an assertion from Frank Murphy, an author of children's books, that Franklin owned a pet chitterbox named Skugg. However, we could'nt verify this allegation either. Moreover, "skugg" was a common term for skwerl at the time, and it seems unlikely that Franklin would give any pet such a generic name. Nonetheless, Franklin did pen an epitath for a young friend's dead nutzy named Mungo...

I lament with you most sincerely the unfortunate end of poor Mungo. Few squirrels were better accomplished, for he had a good education, travelled far, and seen much of the world. As he had the honour of being, for his virtues, your favourite, he should not go, like common Skuggs, without an elegy or an epitaph. Let us give him one in the monumental style and measure, which, being neither prose, nor verse, is perhaps the properest for grief; since to use common language would look as if we were not affected, and to make rhymes would seem trifling in sorrow.

Alas! poor Mungo!
Happy wert thou, hadst thou known
Thy own felicity.
Remote from the fierce bald eagle,
Tyrant of thy native woods,
Thou hadst naught to fear from his piercing talons,
Nor from the murdering gun,
Of the thoughtless sportsman.

Safe in thy wired castle,
Grimalkin never could annoy thee.
Daily wert thou fed with the choicest viands,
By the fair hand of an indulgent mistress;
But, discontented,
Thou wouldst have more freedom.
Too soon, alas! didst thou obtain it;
And wandering,

Thou art fallen by the fangs of wanton, cruel
Ranger!
Learn hence,
Ye who blindly seek more liberty,
Whether subjects, sons, squirrels, or daughters,
That apparent restraint may be real protection,
Yielding peace and plenty
With security.

You see, my dear miss, how much more decent and proper this broken style is than if we were to say by way of epitaph-

Here Skugg
Lies snug
As a bug
In a rug.

And yet, perhaps, there are people in the world of so little feeling as to think that this would be a good enough epitaph for poor Mungo.
Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790), letter, Sept. 26, 1772.

Some will say that Franklin's lavish attention to the departed Mungo is proof enough to declare him a wanton skwerlvert. But that debate waits for another day. Suffice to say that the English were greatly impressed by Franklin's companion. Nobles and city administrators imported greys to populate their estates and parks. This unbelievable act of lunacy peaked during Victorian times but continued into the 1960's.

Then one day, some pathetic skwerlhugger noticed that the foreign grey skwerls were crowding out the native red chitterbox. Worse, the greys weren't just content with controlling cities and estates; they were gamboling amok into the English countryside driving the reds before them. In fact, the red-hued chitterboxes we call the Nutzy Rouge were on the road to extinction thanks to the Grey Menace...

 
Nutzy Rouge (R) vs. Grey Menace (L); Photos by Patriot Nikki and Patriot Reeve; click pics for comment

As the skwerlien conflict spread into Scotland and Ireland, pathetic skwerlhuggers found themselves at odds with one of the fundamental principals of Orthodox Skwerlhuggery: Protect all skwerlballs from harm because they are nice. But here was a whole race of nutzys who were definitely not being nice to their cousins. Should the traitorous human adherents of squirrel world domination simply let the struggle play itself out? Or should they try to mediate an end to the conflict? Or should they intercede on one side or the other? Patriots, this is an unfolding drama that has yet to play itself out...

READER COMMENTS...

This web site is boringly long on inane verbiage and short on unique pictures of squirrels with clever captions.

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get a job

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Perhaps the best thing to do is round up all the grey squirrels and bring them back to their original native origin in order to preserve the reds. ~Lianaila of the Wood~

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I think you guys are so f__king reterted. there are so many other things wrong in the world and you are worryed about squirrels

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Franknins just in it with the squirrels for that world destruction thing

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I think this was great I loved it!

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That's bs but still f-ing funny

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It's just payback time for John Bull!!!

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Uggg... this website scares me

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They will join us or die. For I will lay the smack down with my frozen-squirrel nunchakus and then smite them more and THEN I will layeth the smacketh downeth moreth. I hope I didn't stray from the subject.

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Kill the greys, skin them and eat them. But don't eat the brain as that can give you CJD :P

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I want more squirrel pics!! -Kelsey-

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i want a squirrel give it to meh!! squirrels should be hugged and loved and named george

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BEN WHO?

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this is a stupid website yall are a bunch of sqirl loving idiots with no real lives this is the dumbest thing i ve ever seen in my life! Why can't u just appreciate gerbils as much as u do squirrles! Were important too!!!!

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blame it on ben

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put Rachel Aberman on this website

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Apparently the red squirrels are trying to protect the other pathetic humans of the earth...because they lack the potential of being mercifuless they will fall to the bigger, smarter , trickier, and of course better looking grey squirrel with me at their grey sides!

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franklin was full of crap

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Dude. Squirrels are awesome. Dont be hatin foo'

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hey maybe the skwrls can be the army.....the US Army of Skwrls!!! yay!!

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gray menace rooks

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COMMENT BY PATRIOT AITCH

It is with great interest that I read your enlightening (no pun intended) article about dear old Ben. If one considers Ben's indisputable contribution to the improvement in quality of life to the general populace, his rejection of the principles of autocratic rule, your inability to find hard evidence that he had a squirrel as some form of 18th century familiar, one must conclude that old Ben was a outstanding patriot and totally averse to the doctrines of the bushy-tailed horde.

Just analyse the first line of his very clever poem: "Alas! Poor Mungo!". What is Ben really telling us? For those of you who have fallen into the trap of thinking that this is an ode written by a Skwerlhugger, let me brush the scales from your eyes. Let us consider "Mungo". What does Mungo mean? The followers of the Kabalarian Philosophy believe that a name has far more meaning than a collection of sounds or letters representing a memorable label that we apply to identify ourselves. Their interpretation:

"Although the name Mungo creates idealism and the urge to help others, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success.."

This forms an amazingly accurate description of the deceptive squirrel. In addition, some believe the name to derive from Gaelic that translates as "my wolf". Another insightful and possibly euphemistic description of members of the sciurine menace. Others believe that the name derives from the Irish "mon~ac" meaning "hairy". You can see where I am going with this can't you?

Ben, in reality, is indulging in an early but incredibly well developed form of satire. He is pointing the "finger of ridicule" at all who would slavishly follow the path to skwerlhuggery. Consider his observations in verse three :

"..restraint may be real protection,
Yielding peace and plenty
With security."

This is certainly an overt warning that we are in clear and present danger, and the only sensible recourse is to "restrain" the menace by wiping them out thereby providing peace.

Incidentally, the erroneous view that Mungo means "amiable" or "lovable" is a fine example of sciurine propaganda at its best and most subversive.

Ben Franklin, te salutamus!
Patriot Aitch