As you can imagine, we receive numerous emails from Patriots and skwerlhuggers alike. Most are supportive or contain constructive criticisms. However, we also receive disturbed missives from degenerate skwerlverts who simply can't and won't see skwerlhuggery's folly. Consider the following...

I think you guy's are so cruel to want to wipe out these creatures as big as your foot. Get over your pety complaints and look at them as strong, resilient animals that won't give up. I addmire them and I resent the fact you call them "skwerl".

It's interesting that the writer assumes that skwerls are the size of a human foot. Some are, but clearly this person hasn't encountered Ratufa the Englutted (the giant squirrels of Asia), the horror of Sik-Sik (the Artic Ground Squirrel), and/or the Delmarva Demon (the Delmarva Fox Squirrel). These bushytails dwarf the largest human foot and have no love for mankind (click Ratufa for hideous chitter).

We're equally certain that the writer is unaware of a persistant rumor: that there exists a monsterous chitterbox, many meters tall, that can fell trees with a snap of its bushytail. Legend has it that the gigantic bushytail is a relic from the Age of Protosciurus (the first skwerl), about 23-37 million years ago. We call this foul nutzy, Skwerlfoot.

Our investigation into the Skwerlfoot phenomena has had mixed results. We know that contemporary sightings are confined to the American West. However, it is unclear whether there is but one Skwerlfoot - a demonic creature that suddenly appears to wreak havoc, and just as suddenly disappears - or if there are many skwerlfeet inhabiting the mountains around us.

Coincidently, our Skwerlfoot Research Team recently investigated yet another sighting in the Sierra Nevada mountains of California. Their report follows...

Pursuant to a report that a group of German tourists disappeared on or about Kaiser Pass near the Ansel Adams Wilderness Area of the Sierra Nevada, we entered the region on September 02, 2002. We established a base of operations just east of Kaiser Pass at Mono Hot Springs, a small resort located off a single lane road on the South Fork of the San Joaquin River (click thumbs below for large versions)...

Reconnaissance in force revealed the presence of a large contingent of Squirrel Enforcement Army regulars: California Ground Skwerls, Golden-mantled Ground Skwerls, Chickarees, and Chippys...

     

As for the presence of Skwerlfoot, all the tell-tale signs were there: trees broken off at an angle, mountainsides stripped to barren rock, large areas flattened; truly scenes from a twisted skwerlien landscape...

In spite of the obvious, we did not observe Skwerlfoot. We returned to base at Mono Hot Springs, discovered that the resturant did not serve Guinness (although our meal was delicious and we give the resort high ratings), and headed back to home base in Fresno, California. Thus, our findings are inconclusive as to the existence and presence of Skwerlfoot in this part of the Sierra Nevada.

Patriots, although our research team came away empty handed, there can be no doubt that skwerlien chicanery is afoot on Kaiser Pass. Those of you in a position to aid our investigation may want to visit the area yourselves. Our team recommends Mono Hot Springs as a base. The season begins in May and ends November 01. Rates for cabins range from $45-$85 a night depending on amenities (e.g. kitchen facilities). Camping is also available. The resturant serves good food. A meal for two will run you around $20-$30.

We also note that another resort, Vermilion Valley Resort at Edison Lake is just up the road, although our team didn't visit it on this mission.

  To conclude, and referring back to the email above, the writer admonishes us to get over our "pety complaints" and look at skwerls "as strong, resilient animals that won't give up." Well, that's exactly the problem... We can not stand for squirrel world domination.

  So, in the immortal words of our Great Patriot, Eliakim Beach, "Let the word go forth from this place and across our great land, that no squirrel, grey, black, red, white, or other, shall gambol unfettered in our sight!" (click Eliakim for inspirational anthem - 224k wav).