To our Patriot comrades in Russia, rise up! Mother Russia is threatened by the slavering bushytail horde! The Nutzy Rouge (aka Eurasian Red Skwerl) have seized Novosibirsk in central Russia threatening to split the nation in two. From the Russian news agency, Pravda...

Russian city invaded by squirrels - Pravda.ru - 06/04/2005 15:03

Environmentalists in the Russian city of Novosibirsk took note of a surge of squirrels' activity. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed rodents came out of the forest and into the apartments of residents of Akademgorodok. The residents of the above neighborhood have been keeping their windows tightly shut for the second week in a row due to insolent squirrels who sneak into kitchens and turn them upside down by knocking off spice containers, breadboxes and other kitchen utensils while searching for tidbits.

Specialists at the environmental club of the Novosibirsk State University confirm the alarming reports of local residents. They say that squirrels have been really guilty of illegal entry and burglary this year, Newsru.com reports (click skwerl for comment).

"The squirrels are forced to break into apartments due to a seasonal lack of food," says Elena Dubynina, an environmental expert. She says the squirrels ran out of the their winter supplies and therefore have to look for something else to eat outside their usual habitat. According to her, squirrels are smart and cunning creatures, they can easily adjust themselves to new conditions. The residents of that neighborhood have been treating them well for many years. So the squirrels got used to bits and pieces thrown to them at a regular basis. Besides, there has been a significant increase in the population of squirrels in that area since last year.

"The residents of that neighborhood have been treating them well for many years"!?! Patriot comrades, no citizen would stoop to such a bourgeois pastime, but pathetic skwerlhuggers would. And now they reap the oppression of squirrel world domination!

Is there a solution to the Nutzy Rouge menace? If there is, it certainly isn't what Novosibirsk's skwerlhuggers have in mind...

"Looks like we will have to build a number of feeders for them, we will hang those feeders all over the area so that the squirrels can get their food every time they feel hungry," said Mrs. Dubynina (click skwerl below for comment). As by official statistics, there are 12 thousand squirrels in the Novosibirsk area, most of them live around Akademgorodok.



Novosibirsk's capitulation to Tufty's minions is horrific, but not a surprise. In 2002, scary squirrel world published an exposé of a plot to breed and release skwerls on the grounds of Izmailovski Park in Moscow. Our warnings went unheeded and the next year Azerbaijan nut vendors in Moscow were attacked by the drooling chitterboxes (see link below).

Worse, Pravda reports that the entire mountainous region of Yakutia in eastern Russia was seized by skwerls in fall 2003. The media reported that hungry squirrels attacked animals and humans...

Aggressive squirrels became a real problem to residents of the Mountainous Region of Yakutia. The squirrels were methodically destroying wildlife of the area. There were a few reports of attacks launched by squirrels on humans.

The squirrels went wild in Yakutia following a terrible summer drought in 2003. Forest fires destroyed most of the forests in the above area which is a natural squirrel reserve of Yakutia. The squirrels could not get any food to store for the coming winter. The animals were aware of that desperate situation and began cracking up, according to environmentalists. Finally, 10 tons of pine kernels were "allocated" for feeding squirrels and the problem was resolved.

What is the obvious commonality in all these incidents. Nuts. Pathetic skwerlhuggers are complicit in the systematic takeover of Russia by supplying their skwerlien masters with tons of delicious nuts. But wait, there's more...

Patriots, not since Parisian fashion designer Paco Rabanne exposed the bushytail plot to seize the Soviet space station MIR and crash it into Paris to begin the Skwerlageddon has there been such a nefarious threat to Russia and the world (click MIR's last crew photo to hear Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel sing Space Station MIR).

In fact, our analysts suggest that the chitterbox conquests in Russia are a prequel to a second attempt to bring about the Skwerlageddon. That is, an unholy host of millions, perhaps billions of slavering, teeth-gnashing, tail-flicking skwerlballs have massed in the central and eastern Russian hinterlands where they await Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel's order to overrun the planet.

Apparently, this imperialistic nutzy plot has gone unnoticed because of the remote location of the cabal and its minions. So we asked National Forest Service spokesperson, Ranger Bob Woodward, for any information the Forest Service might have about this skwerlien conspiracy. His response follow:

You people are simply the stup... Wait. Ok, sure... I guess if it'll keep you off my back for a while, definitely, that's exactly what's going on. You better get your a__es over there before it's too late!

Well, Ranger Bob, we'd certainly lock, load and head for Russia if we weren't confident that Russian Patriots will rise up to smite down the bushytail horde's latest scheme to spread squirrel world domination. But your eagerness to have us away begs the question: What dastardly bushytail chicanery is being hatched right here at home?

READER COMMENTS...

Wasn't it Siberia where scientists recently found the giant mammoth saber tooth skwerls frozen in the arctic tundra? Just goes to show that the Russian Skwerl may regenerate into world dominating beasts that cannot be stopped. Not stopped, at least, until hands on both sides of the big ditch are free to push the buttons at the same time...

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Nuke'em til they glow; then shoot 'em in the dark!

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i don't care, i love it because it has to do with squirrels

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i tink its an outrage to me the squirrel lord dont make me soo you.

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a skwerl broke into my house last night and stole me peanuts. i woke up and there he was wit a mouthfull of peanuts staring at me and im like what the hell! i threw my alarm clock at it and knocked it off my bed. it took a ceaser on the floor and i threw it out my 20 story apartment window onto the street below... it was one close call!!!

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Grey Squirrels can be mean but they would never cut someones toes off!!!!!! PULL YOUR SELF TOGETHER!!!!

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THIS WEB SITE IS VERY VERY VERY VERY. STUPID!!!!!

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Squirrels live with me. i am half squirrel my mother was a red back suirrel and my father was a hunter,he used to eat squirrels until he met my mother. then one day after they had me, my mother went missing . my father cryed for her, because he knew what had happened, he acccidently had her for dinner. its a crying shame. i miss her, she spoke the best squirrel.

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Well being a squirrel owner id like to say that yes they do give rabies and yes they do root wherever they want but we can all join hands and accept that these critters do that and we shall all praise or squirrels to be the best then darn can.

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These squriils took my mum and used her for a hat stand now she cant move due to being a hat stand all the time. she is now in hospital and getting thearpy. it wasntg easy getting her out of this squrril cave we had to right them off like it was war. those little mutt animals can surely do damage to you your family and your thought about life, so please lock all your windows, doors and stay out of the backyard.

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let the squirrels stay

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squirrels are takeing over the world im helping them too

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All skwerels, red or blue, must die!

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I hope you're seeking help for you apparent mental illness. The squirrels aren't the problem. Your chemical imbalance, however, might be an issue.

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if the squirrels forc3e your family to eat acorns all day,and u used the internet to make your rubbish comment then i hope ye each got a toe cut off... live and let live man

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im sorry, has the worlds' population forgotten how to spell? C A U T I O N dumbass

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Best article ever!

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Do you know that most of Soviet bio-weapon labs were lockated in Novosibirsk? Could it be that this was a trial of a new weapon of mass destruction? Have you ever noticed, that skwerl population is much higher (per sqare mile) in capitalist countries, as opposed to the former Soviet-block? The world shall tremble when the KGB takes full control of all skwerls everywhere!

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Since the squirrels have helped themselves to the peoples' food, then squirrels should become food for the citizens. After all the good grub they've eaten, they should be large & tasty.

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ist so stupid and really stupid beacause oh im so afrid of squirrel

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I think the squirrels should have Russia.They diserve it.

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squirrles are really cute and fuzzy but attack everything.

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Perhaps they squirrels are the souls of dead commies come back to life

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we should proseed with cotion and KIK SOME BUSHYTAIL.

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Man we should've done what Regan wanted all along!!!!!!!!

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Quick! Forget moose. Send Boris and Natasha back to home country to fight skwerl.

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all crap

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COOL

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Get out the cookbooks, Comrades,(see Auntie Frailty's recipes)& find new ways to serve squirrel, such as Skwirl Stroganoff for one. Ditch the "Have A Heart" traps & go for something more permanent.

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i think it was dumb!!!

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SQUIRRELS SHOULD DIE..if we dont kill them now, they will have world domination by 2010. you should visit our website. its www.freewebs.com/squirrelhaterslive/ it has some really good points. check it out

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Squirrels attacked my family and my house and now we a slaves to them all and their entire race. we are forced to eat acorns all day and if we dont, the cut our toes off!

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