We often receive travel alerts from concerned Patriots. We dutifully report them on our Vacationers Beware page and/or we publish them in the Letters to the Editor section.

For the most part, the reports warn of rampaging bushytails and the dire consequences of ignoring the nutzy danger lurking in the planet's tree-tops.

Occasionally, we'll get a report that seems wildly inaccurate, intentionally false or based on the fanciful thinking of a delusional being. Consider the following report from Patriot Burke:

Fellow Patriots,

I passed through Illinois on my way to St. Louis a few weeks ago and noted in a visitors guide that the town of Olney is the "Home of the White Squirrels."

I wouldn't have thought much about that except that I read on your website that those that you call "pathetic skwerluggers" think that a white Nice Squirrel will come to take over the world or some such nonsense. So, I thought I better check this Olney out.

Olney is pretty small, but it is big on the white squirrel thing. There are signs and banners up and the town's economic and cultural life seems to revolve around white squirrel worship and selling the rubes t-shirts and other gimmicky things.

Typical Olnites - photo: Associated Press - click for comment

However, I didn't see a single white squirrel during my visit. In fact, I didn't see any squirrels at all.

This guy eating lunch at the Burger King told me that it was probably just too cold for any of the squirrels to be out, but I got the feeling he was holding something back. In fact the whole visit had this Twilight Zone atmosphere about it.

Then I wondered if there wasn't some sort of plot going on. I mean, where were all these squirrels the town advertises? Is it a hoax or...?????? I think you need to investigate!

~Patriot Burke

Patriots, the town of Olney is a well-known bastion of skwerlhuggery. The town worships the white skwerl, holds an annual festival in its honor and markets skwerlhuggery around the world. Our own operatives have published eye-witness reports to the town's debauchery and to the presence of white skwerlballs within city limits (see link below).

So, we figured that Patriot Burke was pulling our leg when he filed his report. However, in follow-up correspondence he insisted that something strange is going on in Olney.

Burke came to his conclusion after he received a hostile response from the mysterious stranger at the Burger King, "meaning that I was to accept his explanation and ask no more questions about white squirrels" (click Mysterious Stranger and skwerl for comment)

Consequently, we decided to follow-up and asked our southern Illinois operatives for more information. We learned that recent surveys of the general skwerl population in Olney noted "only" 108 white squirrels, a 10.7 percent decrease from the year 2002 - down from 121.

Where were the other 13 skwerls? According to Belinda Henson, the Olney city clerk and an Illinois Department of Natural Resource-licensed white squirrel rehabilitator, cars and cats are the culprits. However, our operatives wisely dug deeper, past the usual suspects popularized by the agents and minions of squirrel world domination to a more probable possibility: The Town of Olney is exporting white terrorist skwerls to further the bushytail cause...

WHERE ARE THEY NOW? SIX OF THE THIRTEEN...



Olney Thirteen photos courtesy of Tim Dunahee

In view of the serious nature of our findings and conclusions, we asked National Forest Service spokesperson, Ranger Bob Woodward, what, if anything our government planned to do to track down and eliminate this chitterbox threat. His response follow...

Before I have you and your friends committed, maybe you should consider this possibility... There's more than one town claiming to be home to the white squirrel. Maybe one of them are doing the Olney squirrels in... Think about that while you're cooling off in the looney bin. SECURITY!!!

Well, Bob, we did think about it and dang if you couldn't be right (this time). So, now we've got three possible reasons for the decrease in Olney's white squirrel population. Consider the possibilities and then let us know which you believe to be true...

The skwerls are victims of predation and/or other natural factors. Population flucuations in skwerl populations are influenced by food supply, the presence or absence of predators, human "error" and environmental conditions. Even under the best of conditions, a slight variation from the norm may cause populations to shrink or grow (see link below for more information).

Population demo requires java - opens in new window

The skwerls are victims of another town's shenanigans. Ranger Bob correctly stated that there are other white skwerl towns. Is it mere coincidence that the Olney 13 disappeared at about the same time that skwerlhugger Ric Wallace, a known minion of squirrel world domination, accelerated a plan by the town of Exeter in Ontario, Canada to proclaim itself the premiere white skwerl town on the planet? How? By launching a tribute site to the Exeter's white nutzys (see link below). The site includes photos of the towns white skwerlballs, the town mascot (a giant white skwerl) and a flash animated recruiting video: Top 10 Reasons to be a White Squirrel in Exeter...

Exeter skwerl photos courtesy of and © Ric Wallace

Olney is exporting terrorist skwerls to points known and unknown. We note that the Olney disappearances began in 2003 at about the same time the infamous Skwerl Persil was discovered in London, England in June 2003 (see link below).

Similarly, another white chitterbox, Skwerl Snowy was observed stealing birdseed and being "very bossy around the other squirrels..." in Livingston, Scotland. A third, unnamed white nutzy is also rumored to be in Livingston while wildlife "experts" are encouraging "people to feed albino animals as they often struggle to survive" (Source: Scottish Daily Record, Jan 17, 2004).

Coincidence? We think not. It seems likely that Persil and Snowy (if those are their real names) as well as the unnamed third chitterbox are three of the Olney 13. But where are the rest? And what nefarious plans do they have (click Skwerl Persil for comment)?