Date: Fri, 30 Jan, 1998

Special Report from Rooterz Newz Service, Palm Beach, CA

The recent tragic death of Sonny Bono and death of Michael Kennedy in tree-related skiing accidents has conspiracy theorists abuzz.

The ominous parallels can't be denied:

• Michael Kennedy died after skiing into a tree in Aspen, CO.
• Sonny Bono died after skiing into a tree near Lake Tahoe, CA.
• An Aspen is a kind of tree.
• The word "Tahoe" is Native American for "tree."
• Bono was interviewed by MTV VJ "Kennedy" at the last Republican.
• Kennedy had a secretary named "Loni"--which rhymes, sort of, with "Sonny."
• Kennedy was a socialist who thought everyone (but him) should just "share."
• Bono was once married to "Cher."
• Kennedy was born into an idolized family yet managed to disgrace himself.
• After losing family and career in his divorce with Cher, a disgraced Bono managed to recreate himself honorably and rise to the position of idolized Mayor and then Congressman.
• Kennedy was accused of molesting an underage girl.
• Bono had a daughter named, ironically, "Chastity."

These parallels have led some to suggest the so-called Single Tree Theory: the idea that in fact there weren't two individual trees involved, but rather only one tree that committed both assassinations, alone. But the crucial causal linkage between the two killings remains elusive. Who would have a reason to target both of these men?

The obvious answer is the powerful "Squirrel Enforcement Army", a shadow-organization controlling the National Forest Service. Created in the early 50's, the NFS recently had its funding questioned by Bono's House Ways and Means Committee.

So much for Bono. But what quarrel could the NFS have had with Kennedy, a friend of every government program known to man?

When asked for a comment, National Forest Service spokesman Bob Woodward responded, "I don't know what the heck you're talking about."

Indeed!