Patriots, when you think of Nevada, what comes to mind? Cactus? Lizards? Dice? Dirt? A place to dump all the nation's nuclear waste? Sure, it's all that, but there's more...

Nevada is also knee-deep in the struggle against squirrel world domination, and has been for many years. Thus, our recent interest in the state is a continuation of every Patriot's effort to keep Nevada skwerl-safe.

Of course, there are those who know Nevada only by reputation. That is, a desert wasteland. So it may come as a surprise to some that the state is as infested with chitterboxes as any other - dangerous skwerlballs who'll stop at nothing to destroy civilization.

For example, the far-reaching arm of the Squirrel Enforcement Army was first exposed after the tragic death of Congressman Sonny Bono in a 1998 skiing accident on a Nevada mountainside south of Reno, Nevada.

That incident spawned the Single Tree Theory and introduced National Forest Service spokesman, Bob Woodward to the world (click skwerl to hear its report to the traitorous Bob).

The Single Tree Theory notes the similarity between Michael Kennedy's fatal skiing accident in 1997 and Bono's demise. That is, both were killed by the same tree, strategically placed by the Squirrel Enforcement Army in retribution for perceived offenses against the National Forest Service (click here for full story).

As for the present, those who read our intoductory feature on Nevada know that we sent an investigatory team to Great Basin National Park in eastern Nevada after the unexplained disappearence of the local Anti-Squirrel Coalition (ASC) Research and Observation team (click here for feature). Our report follows...

Great Basin National Park rises up from the desert floor just west of the Nevada-Utah state line. Its highest point is Wheeler Peak at slightly over 13,000 feet. Highlights include Lehman Caves, bristlecone pines, and the only glacier in the Great Basin Desert.

Just east of the park is the small community of Baker, Nevada. Baker boasts the Silver Jack Motel, TD's Resturant-Country Store-Bar (they have Guinness), a post office, and a 24 hour credit card gas station. Other businesses were closed when we arrived. Travelers looking for more options have to travel west 75 miles to Ely, Nevada.

Our team opted to stay in Baker at the Silver Jack. Very basic but comfortable rooms go for about $40.00 a night. The proprietors also own a small trailer dubbed the Get Away Cabin about 2 blocks from the motel. At $60.00 a night it offers sleeping accomodations for 7 and a full kitchen. That's where we set up base.

Immediately after, we headed into the park. Amazingly, the area appeared to be skwerl-free. The next day we returned to the same scenario: no chitterboxes in the campgrounds, no drooling skwerlballs demanding tribute at the visitor center, and none at random stops along the park's roads.

That all changed when we passed 8000 feet in elevation. We were then confronted with the most horrid multitude of chipmunks and rock squirrels...

Click thumbs for large versions

  This skwerlien show of strength turned out to be little more than bushytail bravado - when approached the skwerlballs scurried from view. And, where were the other Sciuridae, especially the lower level ground squirrels and the amazingly bloated yellow-bellied marmots? Were they lying in wait in heavily nutified bunkers deep beneath the ground, or were they just too yellow-bellied to show themselves (click marmot for comment)?

So, we retraced our steps, searching both high and low elevations. Again, the nutzys only appeared above 8000 feet with just two of the possible eight species of chitterbox present. However, there was a commonality between the two zones - a random path of broken trees, all cut at an angle...

  
A commonality that could be caused by only one thing...

The phenomena illustrated above could mean only one thing, the missing ASC team fell victim to the dreaded Skwerlfoot, a monstrous bushytail consumed by bloodlust. But where was it now?

To answer that question, we attempted to contact National Forest Service spokesman, Bob Woodward, who was welcoming a new supervisor to the park. Unfortunately, Ranger Woodward's bodyguards intercepted us as we entered the visitor center and we were expelled from the building.

Outside, a mysterious stranger, who identified himself only as "DT", motioned us closer. He put down his bottle of Thunderbird, wiped the spittle from his chin, and mumbled some unintelligible nonsense (click DT to hear nonsense); but then he pointed to the rear of the center and spoke these words:

  We thanked Patriot DT and left him to his prophesies while we explored the rear of the visitor center.

  There we found a securely locked, heavy wooden door set into the side of the mountain. No sign or warning described what was behind its threshold.

  Then, when our science editor, Cuzin Cletus, put his good ear to the door, he heard nothing. Clearly, someone had gone through a great deal of trouble to insulate the chamber within.

Unable to penetrate this barrier, we decided to resolve the mystery by pressuring Bob Woodward for an explanation. We knew Ranger Woodward would attend a party in honor of the new park supervisor that evening at TD's in Baker, and that's where we found him. His response to our enquiries about Skwerlfoot and the mystery door follows...

As usual, I have no idea where you get this crap! That door is just a service entrance to the Lehman Caves and there's absolutely no such thing as Skwerlfoot. Your photos prove nothing, NOTHING!!! So what if the trees are all cut at an angle - one's cut by a saw, the other looks to be burned, and that other one is just a dead tree... And even if Skwerlfoot did exist, why would it run around destroying it's own habitat!?! SECURITY...!!!

Well, Bob, if that's just a "service entrance", then what are you servicing in there? And, we have to wonder if you flunked Ranger 101 if you don't recognize the chew patterns of a skwerl, even if it is from the englutted, monstrous Skwerlfoot...

And, as for destroying its own habitat, that's hardly the case here. When Skwerlfoot isn't swallowing little babies and kittens whole, it spends its time creating habitat conducive to the spread of squirrel world domination.

In fact, our investigation leads us to only two plausible and rational conclusions: 1) Skwerlfoot ate the Baker ASC team - perhaps in revenge for the team's efforts to cut off the bushytail horde's food supply; and 2) the same Skwerlfoot is preparing to move the dreaded Chickaree (Douglas Squirrel) into the area by providing the tree-top bunkers this chitterbox prefers...

ON ITS WAY? THE CHICKAREE IN YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK

click thumbnails for large versions

So, Patriots, Ranger Woodward may misrepresent the truth, but he can't hide the facts before your eyes. The bushytail horde will stop at nothing to destroy our way of life. Thus, only one question remains...

RELATED SITES/TOPICS
GREAT BASIN NATIONAL PARK
UNTRAVELED ROAD PHOTO TOUR OF BAKER, NV

LoVEY SQUIRREL'S
GREAT BASIN WILDFLOWERS

click for wildflower gallery