REVISITED

When we warned the world that Russia was about to fall under the jackboot of squirrel world domination, many scoffed. They couldn't believe that Tufty's minions had infiltrated the "Tsarskaya Paseka" (Tsar's apiary) Environmental Education Centre or that groveling skwerlverts planned to release slavering nutzys into the capital city, Moscow (see original Nov. 2002 feature below).

While the main thrust of this plot may be weeks or months away, the drooling chitterboxes are already terrorizing Moscow, destroying property and disrupting commerce...

Squirrels Steal Nuts from Azerbaijan Vendors in Moscow
PRAVDA - 17:51 2003-01-16

Two citizens of the Azerbaijan republic suffered from squirrels that live in the Bitsevsky Park of Moscow. The two vendors rented the loft of a building to use it as a warehouse. The building was located very close to the park. The vendors filled the loft with big bags of dried fruits and cedar nuts.

When they came to check their warehouse after long New Year holidays, the two men could not believe their own eyes. Hundreds of kilos of cedar nuts were gone. As it turned out later, the nuts were stolen by squirrels from the Bitsevsky Park. Little animals bit big holes in the bags and took almost three hundred kilos of nuts away. Zoologists say that squirrels wanted to fill their food reserves in connection with a poor harvest of fir cones this year.

Patriots, does anyone really believe that the skwerlballs just "wanted to fill their food reserves in connection with a poor harvest of fir cones this year"? As if it was all some of innocent mistake (click skwerl for comment)?

Give us a break. Clearly, this brazen assualt on a vault of delicious nuts had only one purpose: to provide provisions to the legions of skwerls that will descend upon Moscow from within and without should the Tsarskaya Paseka plot succeed...

OUR ORIGINAL FEATURE...

Patriots, when President Ronald Reagan called the former Soviet Union an "evil empire", most thought that he was referring to its repressive communist regime. After all, his hatred of the communist system was no secret (click his pic below to hear his most infamous comment on Russia).

However, Ronald Reagan was also an unabashed skwerlhugger. He would bring bags of delicious nuts back from Camp David to offer as tribute to his skwerlien overlords in the White House Rose Garden.

So, it's hardly a stretch to surmise that his objection to the Soviet government had more to do with skwerls than politics. After all, there is absolutely no evidence of skwerlhuggery anywhere in the Soviet Union during the communist reign. Thus, President Reagan's dislike of Russia was really an act. His real agenda was to bring squirrel world domination to the Soviet Union.

The years have past and the Soviet Union is no more. The heavy hand of communism is gone, replaced by capitalism and organized crime. This may be a cause for rejoice in some circles. However, it appears that a more sinister form of oppression is about to enslave Mother Russia...

SQUIRREL BREEDING IN MOSCOW'S HISTORICAL IZMAILOVSKI PARK Pravda Online - 2002.09.11/18:14

Workers in the "Tsarskaya Paseka" (Tsar's apiary) environmental education centre, on the grounds of Izmailovski Park in Moscow, a site of historical interest used for conservation, have begun to breed squirrels.

Six males and 6 females have been brought in from a nursery outside Moscow, in the hope that they will mate in the park. The young squirrels were placed in comfortable wooden cages, 'furnished' with parts of tree branches. They have been fed seeds, apples and nuts. According to one expert at the centre, "they are particularly fond of cedar nuts. Now they don't want to eat anything else, and they're getting ill".

Conservationists at the centre are eagerly waiting for February, the squirrels' mating period. "The females are very demanding in their choice of partners", say the environmentalists, "so we may have to replace some of the "unwanted" males with new specimens".

When they are a little older, the young will be set loose in the park.

Patriots, the bushytail horde's plans for Russia will hardly result in a workers paradise. In fact, we speculate that the entire population will be herded into chitterbox gulags where they'll be forced to labor in the slavering skwerlballs' delicious nut orchards (click skwerl for comment).

However, it's not too late to stop this nutzy plot. The first cadre of skwerls has yet to be unleashed by the pathetic and traitorous skwerlhuggers minding them. Thus, we encourage Patriotic Russians to rise up and throw down this conspiracy before a manical legion of skwerls seizes Moscow, then Russia, and then...

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