Patriots, we know it's hard listening to the piteous mewlings of pathetic skwerlhuggers who find no fault in the bushytail horde's dastardly deeds. It's even harder trying to reasonably explain the dangers of squirrel world domination to these traitors.

However, every once and a while the slavering nutzys give us a glimpse of their endgame plan for humanity. Consider the following news brief from earlier this spring. It summarizes a 2002-2003 covert skwerlien operation only recently exposed...

Creature discomforts
Anne McIlroy - Guardian Unlimimted
Monday March 22, 2004

The shooting of six golden eagles in an effort to protect Vancouver Island's endangered marmots has infuriated conservationists.

They are among the rarest mammals in the world. Only two dozen Vancouver Island marmots are left in the wild, and the sweet-faced, squirrel-like creatures - which grow to the size of a domestic cat - are one of Canada's best-known endangered species.

However, conservationists, scientists and animal lovers were last week outraged when it emerged that wildlife officials in British Columbia, the country's westernmost province, had killed six golden eagles in an attempt to prevent the remaining marmots from being eaten.

The eagles are protected under international treaty and Canadian law, but are not considered to be endangered. Officials in British Columbia argued that, because they are not as rare as marmots, it made sense to shoot them in order to improve the latter's chances of survival.

Patriots, it is the law of nature that bigger things prey on smaller things, usually to eat them; and it's commonly said that "it's not nice to fool mother nature."

However, in the deranged mind of the bushytail horde, the pending skwerleggedon that brings squirrel world domination to fruition will reverse the natural order as the slavering skwerlballs run amok destoying... well, you get the picture.

But why pick on Vancouver Island's eagles to test their methods? Why not eliminate the few remaining, endangered, p-dawg eating Black-Footed Ferrets on the North American prairies, or whack a few grizzlie bears in Montana, or get those pesky rodent-gobbling lynx in Colorado?

The answer of course lies in the endangered status of the Vancouver Island Marmot; our in-depth report follows...

The Vancouver Island Marmot (Marmota vancouverensis) is found only on Vancouver Island, Bristish Columbia, Canada and no where else. A house cat-sized ground squirrel, there is little specific information on the critter's historical numbers and distribution. We do know that a 1893 record describes marmots moving in "swarms", indicating a formidable host existed at the end of the 19th century. However, it appears that the Island Marmot disappeared from 2/3 of its historic range over the last 20-30 years. In 1978 Marmota vancouverensis obtained "endangered" status when it was estimated that fewer than 200 individuals remained. There are probably fewer than 100 Island Marmots living in the wild today...

CUTE 'N' CUDDLESOME OR DROOLING DEVILS? CLICK CENTER PHOTO TO HEAR MARMOTS

Vancouver Island Marmot (Marmota vancouverensis) - photo credit: marmots.org (see link below)

What caused the Vancouver Island Marmot's fall from grace? Some dim-watt skwerlhuggers will immediately blame the Patriotic efforts of mankind to reduce the marmian swarms to a manageable few. Typically, a tour of web sites devoted to this drooling nutzy cite logging as a major factor in the marmots' decline; but not for the reason usually associated with defeating the busytail horde. That is, in this particular case fewer trees does not necessarily mean fewer skwerls...

In fact, the Island Marmot is related to the woodchuck (aka groundhog) common across much of eastern North America. And, as any farmer in that region can tell you, if you clear it, they will come.

So, the marmots' initial reaction to clear-cutting on Vancouver Island by corporate logging interests was glee. Why? Because the clear-cuts presented the marmots with habitat similar to the natural-occurring meadows where they traditionally reside. Thus, they no longer had to "disperse" over uncertain distances to establish new colonies; they simply woke up one morning to find a fabulous new field of dreams a hop, skip and a jump away (click photo for logger-marmot comment).

Unfortunately for the marmot, it was a fool's paradise. True, marmot populations initially increased and individuals in clear-cut areas grew larger than those in natural environs. However, birth and survival rates in clear-cuts eventually declined; rapidly so after 1994...

GOING, GOING... GONE?

What happened? In simplified terms, clear-cutting appears to have concentrated the Island Marmots in localized geographic pockets. These areas are also favored by the white-tail deer, which is food for predators such as cougars and wolves. The deer population also benefited from the clear-cutting, but only until the predators caught up with them. When deer became less plentiful, the marmot was left holding the bag in the food chain and... well, again, you get the picture.

Now, we know that many of you are breathing a sigh of relief. Clearly, the Vancouver Island Marmot is about to become just an interesting footnote in the struggle against squirrel world domination, right?

But wouldn't you know it, pathetic skwerlhugging Marmists have come up with an 11th hour solution (click Marmists for comment)...

Fortunately, our agents within the Marmist movement report that the solution does not include gunning down intruders on marmot soil. Instead, a program to reintroduce captive-bred Island Marmots into the wild is currently underway.

Our research also indicates that there are at least 3 facilities breeding Vancouver Island Marmots for release into the wild: the Toronto Zoo, the zoo in Calgary and another pit of marmian debauchery, the Mountain View Conservation and Breeding Society in Langley, British Columbia. Reintroductions are being coordinated and handled by a clandestine organization run by renegade scientists and headquartered on Vancouver Island, the Vancouver Island Marmot Recovery Project.

Will the Marmist plan to re-populate Vancouver Island with maniacal Island Marmots succeed (click renegade scientist and Marmist for comment)?

The general consensus on reintroducing a species into the wild is that it is time-intensive, extremely expensive and not likely to have a favorable outcome.

For example, mortality rates among reintroduced black-footed ferrets may run as high as 90% in the year following reintroduction. Thus, the preferred method of preserving a species is conservation.

However, the Marmists find themselves between a rock and a hard spot. There are so few marmots left in the wild that conserving habitat and limiting predation may be the equivalent of hospice services to the terminally ill. Captive breeding and reintroduction is a must and the traitorous Marmists may be planning to use agents of skwerlhuggery as "marmot shepards" in an attempt to shield their beloved nutzys from danger.

Patriots, we spent the better half of a few hours analyzing the Vancouver Island situation and considering what the Anti-Squirrel Coalition response to this crisis should be. Our conclusion may surprise you, but you will see that there is a method in our madness...

According to our informed source close to the Marmist movement, predator populations have also dropped on the island. These noble beasts are among Our Pals in the Animal Kingdom, wolves and cougars (i.e. they eat skwerls). It would be unconscionable for Patriots to let these Pals go hungry... (click to hear starving cougar comment).

Sure, we could suggest tethering white-tail deer to trees to alleviate the problem, but think of the uproar this would cause due to the "bambi syndrome" (not to mention the time and expense). Still, our Pals have to eat, and they seem to like marmots ok. So why not let traitorous skwerlhuggers do the job for us? Therefore, we wholeheartedly support the reintroduction of captive-bred Island Marmots onto Vancouver Island.

In fact, we are so enthusiastic about this project that we recommend that Patriots everywhere consider supporting the Vancouver Island Marmot Recovery Project. How? By "adopting" a marmot or purchasing a plush toy marmot, the proceeds of which will help re-establish a viable marmot population on Vancouver Island and make the island's predators very, very happy... (note: plush toy skwerls may be unsuitable for young children and may tempt them to turn to the skwerl-side).