Patriots, this is the second in a three part series detailing the marmot complicity in squirrel world domination. Our first feature, Backwards - the Vancouver Island Marmot laid out the Anti-Squirrel Coalition position on preserving the Island Marmot as an endangered species (click here for feature - opens in new window).

Many pathetic skwerlhuggers were surprised to learn that we support marmot preservation on Vancouver Island; but they were appalled by our motive: to guarantee an ample food supply for Our Pals in the Animal Kingdom residing on the island: mountain lions, fox and wolves.

Not unexpectedly, we received the usual rants from those who view skwerls as bundles of luv-fluff. All insist that their skwerlien masters are harmless victims of encroaching civilization. A typical email closed with the stock incantation, "what have they ever done to you?" What indeed...

Man calls battle with groundhog 'Caddyshack' with Stephen King twist
Monday, July 5, 2004 - MaineToday.com

LEWISTON A 240-pound military veteran stands ready to dispute the notion of the cute, cuddly image of the groundhog in the movie "Caddyshack." James Nelson fought off a rampaging groundhog in his back yard, but the critter kept coming back for more after being kicked and hit with a shovel. It finally scurried away after a police officer showed up with a gun.

"The thing was bionic," said Nelson, who was twice knocked to the ground. "It kept going like it was on a mission."

The episode unfolded late Saturday morning when the furry animal the size of a large cat showed up behind Nelson's home and proceeded to attack his two poodles as his 10-year-old daughter and her friend shrieked from the swimming pool.

Nelson came to the rescue and shooed the groundhog away, but the angry critter came back. This time it attacked Nelson, hissing and baring its teeth.

Nelson gave the animal a kick and it ran away, but the groundhog came back and Nelson whacked it on the head with a shovel.

"It was like a bull and matador thing," Nelson said. "I beat up myself trying to fight it off."

Cleo Dow watched the ongoing battle from the neighbor's lawn. "He really wanted Jim," she said.

When police officer Trent Murphy arrived, the groundhog was hiding under Nelson's garage. It was there that the groundhog launched its final attack, going after both men.

"I said, 'Shoot it! Shoot it!' " Nelson said. Murphy pulled his gun and fired. It was unknown whether the single bullet found its mark, but the animal disappeared into the woods.

Afterward, Nelson marveled at the tenacity of the animal, which he said was "as aggressive as aggressive can be."

"I'm not much scared of anything," he said. "It was more of a Stephen King version of 'Caddyshack.' "

Attack Hawg? Family Sciuridae, Subfamily Sciurinae, Species Marmota monax

Click Hawg for comment - 72k wav

Patriots, we hardly have to add editorial comment to the foregoing report. The above-described attack on innocent citizens and harmless little poodles proves that groundhogs are dangerous agents of squirrel world domination.

However, the real danger lies in the critters name: groundhog (aka woodchuck; aka whistle-pig). Patriots and pathetic skwerlhuggers recognize them immediately as englutted, marmian skwerlballs (aka nutzy marmots), but innocent citizens do not. In fact, we've observed common citizens cry out, "There's a beaver" upon seeing a bloated marmot.

But make no mistake, groundhogs are woodchucks are marmots are skwerls. They infest much of North America and are known to travel great distance to decimate gardens, sabotage farm machinery, and generally cause mayhem on behalf of the bushytail horde.

Thus, it is every Patriot's duty to rebut the mewlings of traitorous skwerlverts who would hide the facts from common citizens. We must not allow marmots by any name to run amok and we must educate every citizen to the dangers of squirrel world domination and the marmot complicity.

Click to hear Hawg discuss squirrel world domination with Chipper the Ripper

ATTENTION SKWERLHUGGERS: Were you appalled by Hawg's violence against poodles and innocent citizens? Are you prepared to reject skwerlhuggery and the false promises of squirrel world domination but can't quite break away from your addiction? May we suggest joining Skwerlhuggers Anonymous - the easy 3-step program that will free you from the shackles of skwerlien oppression...

JOIN SKWERLHUGGERS ANONYMOUS