Skwerl threatens Canada

IS KITCHNER, ONTARIO THE BIRTHPLACE OF SQUIRREL WORLD DOMINATION? part deux

It's easy to see why some folks would see Canada as the source of all skwerlien troubles. The nation is rife with chitterboxes from the preposterously huge Sik-Sik in the north to bloated prairie dogs in the the south. In fact, the bushytail menace has Canada's human population terrorized and crammed up against its border with the United States where terrorized citizens alternately beg for asylum or threaten to invade if only to escape the slavering jowls of the demonic nut crunchers besieging them.

Additionally, there is some evidence that skwerlhugging Victorians conspired with Canadian skwerls to introduce the grey chitterbox into England in the late 1800's - a plan that went horribly awry when the greys turned against the native red chitterdemon of England resulting in their near-elimination from the island. But is this enough to conclude that the nutball plan for squirrel world domination arose in Canada; and specifically in Kitchner? Our research says "no!" Consider this excerpt from our full report:

Kitchner's city planners introduced the skwerlien terrors to their downtown in 1969. However, many towns in North America suffered a similar fate at the turn of the century. For example, traitorous skwerlverts introduced the eastern fox skwerl to Fresno, California's Courthouse Park around 1870. The chitterboxes are said to have come from the state of North Carolina. Today the park is a wasteland of criminal activity and skwerlien aggression, and the fox skwerl infests virtually every corner of the city.

Reviews of similar "plantations" since 1870 indicate that the nut crunchers were brought in from many different locations; there seems to be no central nexus. Thus, it appears that the original source and geographical location of... squirrel world domination is unknown.

Of course, we're pleased to reassure the good Patriots of Kitchner that their town isn't responsible for the septicemic-like skwerlien blight that threatens civilization. But, can Canada be saved? Kitchner's use of weiner dogs to ferret out the chitterboxes is a noble endeavor. However, we note that Canadian skwerlhuggers gloat that even some of their malls are hosts to the chitterbox menace. Since weiner dogs are barred from most commercial establishments, their effectiveness is limited. Also, weiner dawgs have no powers over vicious aqua-skwerls or the impossibly horrendous flying chittertail.

No, what Canada needs is a secret weapon. One with such versatility that it can turn the tide against the bushytail horde. And we here at scary squirrel world believe we have the answer.