Skwerl talks about Canadians

IS KITCHNER, ONTARIO THE BIRTHPLACE OF SQUIRREL WORLD DOMINATION?

There are many theories on the origins of skwerls. Some believe they gamboled out of the primordial slime; others think they are space aliens from the 10th Planet; still others consider them supernatural creatures of either ultimate evil or supreme niceness. Now comes a proposal that the skwerlien menace originated in that exotic, foreign land, Canada:

Believe it or not this is not only an American problem. In fact, the origin of the squirrel infestation may be traced back to Kitchener, Ontario.

As an urban development tool, planners placed squirrels in the downtown Kitchner to give it a more natural feeling and set-up nut dispensers for tourists to feed the critters. However as time went by they lost their shyness of humans and developed the instinct to steal food from humans and set-up so many burrows in City Hall that the local conservation authority classified it as protected animal habitat.

Then, their attacks and presence in the Waterloo Region grew to enormous proportions until the City created two companies to capitalize on the squirrel outbreak. First, the city teamed up with local meat-packer Schendier's to create the "Squirrel Dog" or locally known as the Sqogo (it consists of the squirrel meat packaged within half a french baguette so you can't see what you're eating). Second, was the declaration of the monthly "Weiner Dog Squirrel Hunt". This was run on the premise much like a fox hunt where one squirrel is let go from a cage and hundreds of weiner dogs chase the critter until one gets him and brings the rodent back to his master. However, due to the large population of squirrels, the weiner dogs inevitably hunt out the wrong squirrel(s), the kill is enormous, and the rise in tourism has more than paid for the rehabilitation of City Hall.

Unfortunately, it is thought the squirrels made their way to the east coast on a Picard Peanuts truck out of St.Jacobs, Ontario before the infestation was brought under control. A driver taking a tractor-trailer load opened up his rig in Hartford and found it full of over 500 squirrels, a tonne of empty shells and a tonne of squirrel excrement. In his shock he ran off and squirrel squad (as they have been called) took off to conquer yet another town.

We sincerely apologize for our role in the plague. Kitchener is poised to offer help in any way we can.

Our deepest condolences.

Patriot Campbell, E.I.T. Hydrogeologist

Patriots, living with guilt is terrible thing. But, being guilty of unleashing the drooling bushytail horde into the world would be an unforgivable sin, an unpardonable criminal act, an unrightous transgression of unspeakable evil. Such willful imbecility would cause the cultprit(s) to experience unbearable guilt - a true hell on Earth that would be visited upon his descendents, and cousins' cousins of his descendents for eons to come...

Thus, we launched an in-depth investigion into the the Kitchner Konnection to the Chitterbox Plot for Squirrl World Domination: Is Patriot Cambell correct? If yes, should bombing commence immediately? Can Canada save itself? Our report follows...