~ THE UNSPEAKABLE FUTURE

Patriots, if you read and recall the subject material in Chapters 1 and 2 of this feature, you now know that the bushytail horde has perfected the use of watermelons as skwerlien transportation devices and opened a new base of operations at the Kaweah Oaks Preserve near Visalia, California.

Some may wonder what all the fuss is about. New Squirrel Enforcement Army (SEA) bases can be paved over and, surely, we can regulate the melon industry via strict inspections of suspect farms by teams of international melon experts. Or, why not simply ban watermelon cultivation altogether as some Patriots suggest?

Needless to say, pathetic skwerlhuggers are calling our findings and conclusions "preposterous attempts at pseudo-science" and "unworthy of comment." They'd have you turn away from the crisis as if it didn't exist.

It would be easy to hide our heads in the sand if it were not for the pitiful future that the slavering chitterboxes plan for mankind. Thus, our vigilance is preordained as in the venerable words of Great Patriot Eliakim Beach:

Some ask me why I stand for no skwerl. They suggest that if I do not stand, then I must bow. This is my reply...

When I look from this place, I see trees of delicious nuts, woodlets of ripened fruits, the tangled vines of melons and berries, the bountiful prairies... and I see a world free from squirrel world domination. For this I stand. Now, who will stand with me?

So, what are we to make of the Kaweah Oaks situation? Our experts tell us there are two possibilities.

The first assumes that the drooling nutzy's have no long-term goal. Their Kaweah base is simply an attempt to link up with the maniacal skwerlballs a few short miles away in Sequoia and Kings Canyon National Parks...

Bonus side trip: Sequoia National Park click thumbs for large versions

The second more plausible possibility is far more ominous. To fully understand its meaning, you must first consider the increase in nut production across the Central Valley. Consider these sobering figures...

The figures above represent a substantial increase in nut production over previous years. Preliminary figures for year 2002 indicate another banner year for California nuts.

Thus, it's no stretch of the imagination to conclude that the increase in nut production is spawning an increase in nutzy reproduction.

Worse, our analysts conclude that the bushytail horde's mission points west to California's coast, not east into the Sierras (click ASC expert for comment). For it's along California's coastline that the slavering nutmunchers are under concentrated and unrelenting attack from Anti-Squirrel Coalition (ASC) forces.

In fact, at least two major SEA bases are close to collapse in San Francisco and Ventura. In both cases, the cities decided to eliminate the skwerlien menace using poisons. First round applications were deemed successful and a second, follow-up round of poisoning is scheduled soon. This follows decrees by other muncipalities, most notably Laguna Beach that it is illegal to feed skwerls within city limits.

   Clearly, the bushytail horde intends to take full advantage of California's abundence of nuts to swell its ranks in the Central Valley.

   Then say our experts, come spring, perhaps sooner, the Squirrel Enforcement Army will spill through the passes of the coastal range and onto the maritime plains overrunning everything in its path (click skwerls for comment).

And what of the watermelons? Should this skwerlball plot succeed, Californians can look forward to a watermelon in every yard, and a skwerl in every house... but it won't stop there... soon after, the SEA will seize the Calfornia-Arizona Watermelon Association in Piru, California (just east of Ventura) and send SEA altered melons around the globe until... well, you get the picture...

Thus, the only remaining question is...