~ HISTORICAL RELEVANCE OF WATERMELONS TO SQUIRREL WORLD DOMINATION

It's said that watermelons (Citrullus lanatus) originated in the Kalahari Desert of southwestern Africa. The first recorded watermelon harvest was in Egypt about 5000 years ago. From there, it was introduced into Asia, Europe and eventually the Americas.

Almost from the beginning, rumors circulated linking the watermelon to the bushytail horde's lust for conquest.

In more contemporary times, it's wildly widely believed that a skwerlhugging American government annihilated the continent's indigenous skwerl-devouring tribes at the bequest of the bushytail horde. Subsequently, the survivors were often exiled far from their homelands and forced to grow watermelons.

Later, Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel assumed command of the Squirrel Enforcement Army (SEA) in 1960. Thereafter, Tufty mentored and employed National Forest Service spokesperson, Bob Woodward as his Chief of Propaganda and Public Relations. Ranger Woodward's plausible denials are legendary. Less known is that Bob Woodward maintains a sprawling watermelon farm, but has never sold a single melon.

Is all this merely coincidence? Most thought so until 1998. It was then that scary squirrel world discovered and reported on the first Watermelon Wasteland located in Woodward Park - the world's largest SEA base, Fresno, California (see link below).

    There, we obtained undisputed photographic evidence that the slavering nutzys were using watermelons to swirl themselves into an over-agitated state of eudaimonia.

    Still, we did not see a causative link between watermelons and the nut munchers plans for squirrel world domination. Our analysts concluded that the bushytails were merely getting "high" as the teenagers say (click skwerls for comment).

Then, reports began flooding in: many claimed that the watermelons not only provided the nutzys with a delicious food source, but that the slavering chitterboxes had altered them to be a skwerl source. That is, there were and are those who claim "the watermelons are evil transportation devices... I HAVE SEEN THE SQUIRRELS EMERGE FROM THE MELON!!!"

Patriots, who could believe such a bizarre theory (that which is not yet verified but that if true would explain certain facts or phenomena)? You may when you read this report's shocking conclusion...