~ INTRODUCTION

Patriots, to hear pathetic skwerlhuggers talk, you'd think that California's Central Valley was once a riparian wonderland punctuated by vast expanses of oak woodland and semi-arid savannah.

In this wonderous eden, animals big and small romped freely in blissful harmony with their environment.

Then, according to the minions of squirrel world domination, man entered this Shangri-La. Soon, the animals were gone, replaced by urban sprawl and corporate agricultural interests.

Today, say the eco-terrorist skwerl-firsters, California's Central Valley is a piteous wasteland where the land is poisoned, the air is unfit to breath, and the sorry foot of civiliztion has all but trampled out the last of the valley's indigenous flora and fauna with cows and cotton.

Oh, please... anyone who has spent even a modicum of time in the region knows the truth of the matter: the predominate lifeform in the Central Valley is none other than the drooling and maniacal Calfornia Ground Squirrel (Spermophilus beecheyi). Thus, we hardly need to present objective evidence that it's the engluted g-skwerl who is responsible for the demise of the valley's eco-system, not the benevolent hand of urban developers or responsible corporate citizens such as the Del Monte Foods Company, Archer Danials Midland, or any other industrial-agricultural concern.

    So Patriots, we're not here to quibble or argue about soil salinity, cancer clusters or the increased incidence of asthma among the valley's children.

    Our mission is much more complex. We have uncovered a most horrendous skwerlien plot. One that will shock and dismay you...

    In fact, the complexity of this chitterbox tapestry of corruption requires that we cover past nutzy trespasses, the current crisis, and an unspeakable future if we do not resist this skwerlball plot... a scheme in which the watermelon plays a central role...