Patriots, it's no secret that the bushytail horde is planning to subdue Europe before making its final assault on all civilization.
It's also no secret that the slavering nutkins responsible for this Crisis Europa are maniacal grey squirrels, Sciurus carolinensis.
But grey skwerls (pictured at right) are an invasive species native not to Europe but to North America.
Ironically, it displaces Europe's red chitterbox (Sciurus vulgaris; aka Nutzy Rouge) wherever it goes (click skwerl for comment).
In England, the greys have all but eliminated the red skwerl from the landscape. Many experts predict that the red nutzy will be gone from the United Kingdom entirely in just a few more years. This fact earned the grey nutkins a place on the Invasive Species Specialist Group's (ISSG) top 100 of the "World's Worst" invaders (#85).
But that's not the half of it. The greys have also invaded and secured vast areas in northern Italy; and attempts to eliminate the threat failed when pathetic skwerlhuggers filed a successful lawsuit against the planned eradication.
If that weren't enough to seal Europe's fate, the drooling grey menace is aided in its quest by a Coalition of the Willing Alien Invader Skwerls (CWAIS) including Finlayson's squirrel (Callosciurus finlaysoni from SE Asia) in Italy; Pallas's squirrel (Callosciurus erythraeus erythrogaster from China) in France; the Asian chipmunk (Eutamias sibiricus from Siberia) in Belgium; and Père David's Rock Squirrel (Sciurotamias davidianus from China) also in Belgium...
CWAIS: NOT YOUR USUAL SUSPECTS
L-R: FINLAYSON'S SKWERL; PALLA'S SKWERL; ASIAN CHIPSTER; PÈRE DAVE'S ROCK VARMINT
Now, we know what some of you are thinking. So what if these maniacal chitterboxes replace another crazed nutzy. After all, a skwerl is a skwerl is a skwerl and they're all trying to take over the world. Right?
Right as rain, but there's something different about the bushytailed CWAIS vermin. When you read the analysis and reports from those monitoring the situation, one thing stands out. The CWAIS nutzys are just run of the mill terrorist skwerls in their homeland, but it seems that these invader skwerls become imbued with mega super skwerlien powers soon after they arrive in Europe.
In fact, these skwerliens are so powerful that the experts say they have the ability to decimate whole forests, silence songbirds, lay crops low, eliminate entire species, and completely destroy entire biomes (see below for authoritative links).
What changes these skwerls? For some time we've believed the answer lies in Alba, a town in the Piedmont district of northwestern Italy - and the home of Nutella.
For those who don't know (mostly vistors from another galaxy), Nutella is a peanut butter-like substance made from cocoa, hazelnuts, and skim milk, that is Spreadably Delicious™ on a wide variety of breads. It's immensely popular throughout Europe and around the globe.
Although we've never been to Alba, we're convinced that there's a top secret laboratory in the basement of the Nutella factory that produces a special blend of Nutella. That blend enhances the bushytail horde's powers.
Unfortunately, Italian authorities declined comment on our conclusion. So, we asked USDA Forest Service spokesperson, Ranger Bob Woodward, what he knew about this latest skwerlien conspiracy. His response follows:
"There's a reason people get restraining orders against you idiots! SECURITY!!!!"
That's right, Ranger Bob, there is a reason: they do it to prevent us from uncovering the truth about the slavering skwerlball plan for squirrel world domination. But let's see them restrain the truth illustrated in the recently acquired photo sequence below...
CWAIS TRAINEE FROM NUTELLA FACTORY BASEMENT TO FIRST MISSION
L-R: ON THE OBSTACLE COURSE; FIRST TASTE OF NUTELLA; DIRECTING HOSTAGE TO BUY MORE NUTELLA
Click center pic for skwerl's comment; Photos courtesy of Skwerlhugger Kasia
Patriots, there you have it. Photographic evidence, nay, proof that the bushytail horde has concocted a Spreadably Delicious™ special blend of Nutella that changes them into the mega-super skwerls described by Europe's scientific community. Thus, the only remaining question is how to stop this nutzy plot before all Europe falls under the heavy yoke of squirrel world domination...
ISSG: GLOBAL INVASIVE SPECIES DATABASE
ISSG: 100 WORST INVASIVE SPECIES LIST
PDF FORMAT: 100 WORST INVASIVE SPECIES
SQUIRRELWEB: ALIEN SQUIRRELS
WHAT IS AN INVASIVE SPECIES