Patriots, the bushytail horde's efforts to subjugate the planet are like the tentacles of some fearsome beast. Each has its own role to play, but all work to bring squirrel world domination to fruition.
Just as the beast's tentacles can act independently, they can operate in unison. Thus, plot overlies plot and what appears to be a simple act of skwerlien mayhem is really a complex chitterbox cabal.
One such plot was recently uncovered on Seurasaari, a small forested island just a footbridge away from metropolitan Helsinki, Finland (click pic or here for big map).
Seurasaari has no permanent residents. Instead it consists mainly of parks and forests. The island is home to The Seurasaari Open-Air Museum, featuring a notable collection of preserved historical wooden buildings from all around Finland.
Our operative in Finland initially reported that a horde of the Nutzy Rouge (red squirrels) were dismantling historical buildings at the Seurasaari Open-Air Museum. However, this brazen attempt to splinter Finland's cultural heritage (and by asscoiation, civilization's) masks a trilateral bushytail plot of horrific proportions. Let's break it down into its nefarious parts...
An assualt on civilization: our investigation revealed that Seurasaari does have an overabundence of slavering, aggressively gnawing red skwerls. These Nutzy Rouge are systematically attacking, chewing on, and severly damaging the Open-Air Museum's collection of historical buildings. This is just one more example of the maniacal skwerlballs' attempt to demoralize us by tearing down our links to the past. As unbelievable as it seems, museum officials blame the skwerlien overpopulation in part on human visitors who bring edible tribute to the nutzys.
The spread of skwerlhuggery: why would otherwise reasonable people feed vicious, unrestrained chitterboxes? Research consistently shows that the drooling skwerlballs entice snacks from the unwary by cavorting about in a "cute" manner.
However, most victims of this skwerlien con experience only a momenary lapse of reason. In other words, they do not become pathetic skwerlhuggers dedicated to assisting their nutzy overlords' efforts to enslave the planet.
But Seurasaari's visitors appear to be turning to the skwerlside and embracing the blasphemous tenets of Orthodox Skwerlhuggery. This means they return to the mainland and spread the false promises of squirrel world domination to friends, neighbors, strangers, and beyond.
How can we know this? A simple search of the internet reveals shrine after shrine to Seurasaari's bushytail horde.
One of the more horrific examples is the movie that appears on your left. In it, angelic music plays as a minion of squirrel world domination offers tribute to the Nutzy Rouge.
Patriots, is there any doubt that this video was posted for the world to see and that its purpose isn't to recount a pleasant trip to Seurasaari, but to spread the sin of skwerlhuggery.
When skwerls attack: this plot answers the question, why is the bushytail horde concentrating its efforts on Seurasaari? Certainly, the slavering nutzys could make a bigger statement by attacking higher profile targets.
As it turns out, Seurasaari is the perfect training ground for the Squirrel Enforcement Army regulars who routinely engage in urban and suburban combat. What sort or combat? Chewing into homes and laying waste to electrical wiring, insulation, central air ducts, etc. etc. (click skwerl for comment).
Damage to homes by squirrels costs homeowners millions of dollars per year; damage that many insurance policies do not cover. Combine that with the trauma caused when one's home is violated by a terrorits skwerlball, and woe betide the person who happens upon a criminal nutzy in the act. With the foregoing in mind the serious nature of this conspiracy is obvious.
Not convinced? Consider the following video. Caught while vandalizing a home, the chitterbox strikes back. An off-camera shriek is a telling end to a horrific event...
CLICK FOR SHOCKING VIDEO - TERRIFIED HOMEOWNER PLEADS WITH FRIEND TO SAVE HER
THE VICTIM CRIES OUT, "WHAT SOULD I DO!?!" BUT IT'S ALREADY TOO LATE
There you have it, Patriots. Another dastardly skwerlien plot exposed. And don't assume that this is a localized conspiracy. We are unfortunately confident that the same scenario is being played out in many, many locales around the globe. Our goal is to inform you of the danger. It's up to you to prepare yourselves to always do the right thing so that the homeowner's fate in the video above isn't yours.
SEURASAARI OPEN-AIR MUSEUM
THE SEURASAARI FOUNDATION
WIKIPEDIA HISTORY OF FINLAND
EUROPEAN SQUIRREL INITIATIVE
Thanx to our operative in Finland, Patriot Panu, for researching this story
Seurasaari red skwerl photos by Enroos.com