In November 1997, scary squirrel world went online asking important questions: are skwerls telepathic? Can they speak English (or any language)? And the seminal, Where do squirrels come from?

As evidence about a plot for squirrel world domination poured in, we asked more complex questions. One of the first was, Will you survive your next picnic (see photos below)?

In response to our queries and published reports, Patriots from around the world wrote in swearing to defeat the bushytail horde even if it meant felling every tree on the planet.

Will you survive your next picnic? Click skwerl for hideous chitter

We applaud any plan to stop the drooling nutzys, and fewer trees certainly means fewer skwerls. However, we're compelled to point out that not all skwerls live in trees. An untold multitude infest, burrow, and live beneath prairies, grasslands, and barren deserts.

Patriots, these so-called ground skwerls are every bit as dangerous as their tree-top cousins. They can be found in one form or another from pure prairies, to oak savannahs, to bare urban lots in the heart of the city. And, like tree nutzys, ground skwerls can hide in plain view - a fact that can have tragic consquences for the unprepared.

So, without further comment, we offer you our visual primer on dirt-nutzy awareness. Remember, knowledge is power and learning to see the enemy before it sees you is half the battle

      
Click thumbnails above for the basic g-skwerl information
Click thumbs below for wild dirt-nutzy photos...

EDITORIAL COMMENT FROM PATRIOT AITCH...

With reference to your alarming article THE GRASS ISN'T GREENER, it has occurred to me that we may end up in a cyclical mess if we engage the Horde through discrete initiatives. Remember that well loved music hall classic Theres a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza, in which we return to the initial problem after a series of suggested quick fixes? By focusing on a particular sciurine sect we may create the ideal conditions for another. Let me explain...

Let us start from a recognised historical environment, The Forest. This is the ideal surrounding for the menace known as the tree squirrel, exercising its arboreal transport skills and generally pestering humankind. In response, we thin out the forest making it difficult for the tree squirrel to be so successful. But what happens, we create the perfect home for the flying squirrel. The fact that the trees are now some distance apart plays right into their grubby little paws. How swiftly they glide from tree to tree! How difficult it is to bring one down with the family shotgun!

So now we embark on mass deforestation. What have we done? We have created the perfect setting for the ground squirrel. Whose house hasnt collapsed thanks to an overeager dray going through the foundations!

So what is left? I can hear you shouting "now flood the land. We'll live on boats or houses on stilts!" But in reality you have now created a new aquatic abode for the Squirrel fish (Sargocentron spiniferum, and Holocentrus adscensionis). Holocentrus adscensionis reaches 20 cm in length, ranges from North Carolina to East and West Florida, Bermuda, parts of the Gulf of Mexico, West Indies and Caribbean south to Brazil. Sargocentron spiniferum can be commonly found in the Red Sea growing to 45 cm. The basic classification of these watery cousins is as follows:

Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Actinopterygii
Order: Beryciformes
Family: Holocentridae

So to combat this latest menace, we have to drain the land and plant trees. I can hear the music to Theres a hole in my bucket rattling around my head.

While you are returning to the drawing board, you might consider that the Squirrel Fish menace needs more exposure as it seem to have slipped through your net (ho ,ho).

Patriot Aitch