UPDATE 21 AUG 07: FINLAND'S FOOD AGENCY BANS THE KINDER FIEND

Patriots, our operative in Finland reports that Finland's Food Agency banned the Kinder Fiend from entering a market in Jyvaskyla where it englutted itself on candy Kinder Eggs.

For those who haven't read our full report (see below), the Kinder Fiend is a maniacal nutzy implicated in a world-wide plot to turn innocent children to the skwerl-side using chocolate, the complicity of skwerlhugging pensioners, and the false promises of squirrel world domination (click KF to hear him deny plot).

Our source also states that an anonymous doner gave €30 (approximately US$41.00) in support of the Kinder Fiend, and that the store manager intends to continue offering tribute to the slavering chitterbox albeit outside the market.

Of course, we applaud the Finnish Food Agency for taking a bold stand against the Kinder Fiend. However, the agency's action doesn't go far enough. Shouldn't the Food Agency launch a thorough investigation to discover how (and why) this conspiracy went as far as it did? Also, who is the mysterious doner and why is the market's manager compelled to supply the Kinder Fiend with chocolate eggs in spite of the ban?

And finally, what if anything is being done to supress this international threat to mankind?

ORIGINAL FEATURE:

Patriots, on August 01, 2007, our operative in Finland alerted us to a skwerlien crisis in the town of Jyvaskyla. Our contact sent us Finnish newspaper article describing how the skwerl had taken over a local old folks home and was pillaging chocolate Kinder Eggs from a neighborhood market.

For those who don't know, Kinder Eggs (aka Kinder Surprise) are a product of the Ferrero confectionary company. They're basically chocolate eggs that contain a toy surprise.

The company's founder, Pietro Ferrero, is the person responsible for formulating a hazelnut-chocolate concoction, Pasta Gianduja. Pasta Gianduja was the predecessor to Nutella, a spreadable form of Pasta Gianduja popular around the world.

But we digress...

Our Finnish connection also conducted an on-site inspection of the neighborhood market and provided the following report:

"I live in the same city where this famous shop is located. Yesterday (02Aug07) I went there with my friend to see if I can take pictures from the skwerl, but the cashier of the shop said that the skwerl has probably been here earlier at the morning. I was too late. All I could see was a man drinking beer in a wheelchair in front of the shop. Maybe he too was waiting to see a glimpse of chocolate hungry skwerl..." ~Patriot Panu

Concurrent to our investigation, news of the marauding chitterbox, we'll call it the Kinder Fiend, hit the international wire and Reuters published this news brief:

Chocoholic squirrel steals treats from Finnish shop
Wed Aug 1, 2007 12:18PM EDT

HELSINKI (Reuters) - A Finnish squirrel with a sweet tooth heads to a Finnish grocery shop at least twice a day to steal "Kinder Surprise" chocolate-shelled eggs. "I named it the Kinder-squirrel, after the treats. It always goes after them, other sweets do not seem to interest it as much," the manager of the store in Jyvaskyla, central Finland, told Reuters.

The confectionary, which is intended for children, has a toy inside.

"It removes the foil carefully, eats the chocolate and leaves the store with the toy," Irene Lindroos said.

Unfortunately, the bushy-tailed thief does not clean up after itself, but leaves the wrappers behind, she added.

Photo credit: Keskisuomalainen.net

So, what are we to make of this skwerlien atrocity? Is it simply another single skwerl incident? Or part of a larger conspiracy?

Patriots, there's a connect-the-dots answer to the questions above. Consider the following:

The Italian Connection: Is it mere coincidence that Kinder Eggs are made by the company whose founder is responsible for Nutella? Hardly. Nutella's ingredients include chocolate, which itself contains a stimulant that skwerls crave. Our exposé, The Italian Job, explains the indisputable connection between Nutella and squirrel world domination - and it's not a pretty picture (see link below).

The Ingredient: Chocolate contains theobromine which is a stimulant. Theobromine is toxic to some animals, notably dogs and horses.

However, our research suggests that skwerls use theobromine to sharpen themselves up for a bit of ultraviolence. And what better way to get a jolt than from a chocolate Kinder Egg?

The Surprise Inside: Kinder Eggs contain a toy surprise. Note that the Kinder Fiend absconds with the toy. Could it be that the toy, too, contains a hidden ingredient - perhaps a microchip embedded into the toy containing secret orders from the Squirrel Enforcement Army (SEA), or even Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel himself?

The Single Skwerl Theory: All the news reports say that the Kinder Fiend acts alone. While it may be true that only one nutzy is involved, the fiend must have help from one or more minions of squirrel world domination. Otherwise, how could it get into the store unnoticed in the first place? The answer to that question is in a photo of the market's exterior (courtesy Patriot Panu)...



The Usual Subjects: It's highly unlikely that the Kinder Fiend acts alone. It may be that the store manager is in league with the swerlball, but it's more likely that the fiend receives outside help and the manager is too intimidated to protest. The surveillance photo above shows three suspects. Which is the traitorous running dog? A profile of each reveals the culprit:

This individual might be a pathetic skwerlhugger. While skwerlhuggers are eager to promote squirrel world domination, they are loath to engage in criminal activity to obtain that goal (unlike their more radical comrads, skwerlverts). Neither would they ever treat a skwerl to a candy. So, the suspect may be hurrying home with a fresh bag of unsalted nuts for the bushytail denizens of her backyard, but she is not an accomplice in the Kinder Fiend's crimes.

This suspect certainly fits the profile of a hooligan (an uncultured, aggressive, rude, noisy troublemaker). It also appears that he is furtively looking around - very suspicious. Therefore, he could be a hired goon assisting the Kinder Fiend on orders from the SEA. However, a closer examination of the photo suggests that he's simply smoking something and contemplating pummeling the old man in the wheelchair for his pension check.

What could be more innocent than a sad, old pensioner in a wheelchair? What indeed. Pensioners get pension checks and they have noting better to do than spend their money on "bird" seed and other offerings for their nutzy masters. Can their be any doubt that the Kinder Fiend recruited this criminal from the old folks home adjacent to the market to help him in his felonious activities?

The Shocking Conclusion: Patriots, why should anyone outside Finland care that some crazed chitterbox is getting high on chocolate?

Our investigation reveals that this is not some isolated incident but part of a larger skwerlien plot to recruit more people to the skwerlside. Worse, the victims are among the most vulnerable... our children.

That's right, if there's one thing pensioners and skwerls have in common, it's hanging out in public parks; the same public parks that our children innocently frolic in (click pensioners for comment).

So, it's hardly a stretch of the imagination to conclude that the Kinder Fiend steals chocolate from the market and is transported to a public park by the pensioner in the photo above.

There, they prey on children hoping to lure them to the skwerlside with candy and the false promises of squirrel world domination - and this predatory behavior is being repeated in parks all of the world...

Not convinced? Then consider the surveillance photo below. Can there be any other objective explanation for the criminal activity it displays?

WHERE'S YOUR WHEELCHAIR NOW, OLD MAN!?! (CLICK SKWERL FOR FALSE PROMISE)

READER COMMENTARY

There's a whole history of squirrel attempts at world domination in Europe - I refer you to a passage in a book by Jaroslav Hasek author of The Good Soldier Svejk in which he describes a group of people who have white squirrels as their gods - fortunately some other villagers eat the squirrels and utter these immortal words: "Everyone hass to believe in something but to believe in squirrels, that's sheer beastliness. They jump from tree to tree and when they are in a cage they make a filthy mess. Fine gods indeed!"

Check it out "The Red Commissar"!!! by Hasek, the Bugulma stories.

They MUST be stopped!
~Patriot Jen