scary squirrel world

VACATIONERS BEWARE

Patriots, when criss-crossing this great land, it's always reassuring to see warning signs planted firmly on the side of the road alerting us to the presence of the bushytail horde.

You've probably seen a few of the signs. They come in all shapes and sizes and can be observed alongside highways and byways not only in this nation, but around the world.

Without these signs, we might fall victim to the driver's horrific fate so well documented in that auto insurance company commercial from a few years back.

Likewise, the presence of warning signs encourages us to do the right thing in our righteous struggle against squirrel world domination.

But sometimes, and this is hard to believe, the signs are there to get people to slow down; not speed up. Why? Because, and we kid you not, it's to make drivers yield the right of way to the slavering nutkins.

One case in point can be found in the old Colorado ghost town, St. Elmo.

St. Elmo began life in 1878 as a small mining town called... Forest City. The name was changed to St. Elmo at the insistance of the post office. Apparently, the nation already had enough Forest Citys and the post office wanted to avoid further confusion.

St. Elmo's boom years ended when the railroad abandoned the town in 1922. However, the it was never completely deserted.

Today, a general store is open for business the better part of the year, there are a number of full time residents, and thousands of vacationers visit year round.

All this would be fine, except the town maintains a "Chipmunk Crossing" and the general store sells "chipmunk food" to visitors who then offer it as tribute to the maniacal chippies, golden-mantled ground squirrels, and ground squirrels who loiter about the crossing...

SLAVERING NUTZYS ENGLUT THEMSELVES - PHOTOS BY STEVE GARUFI
AND CLICK BELOW FOR SHOCKING VIDEO OF THE ENGLUTTING - FLASH VIDEO BY SUDNEM

Patriots, some of you are wondering why anyone should care that a few rubes in some backwater town charge city slickers 50 cents to feed a few mangy skwerls. Glad you asked...

Our operatives in Colorado believe that St. Elmo's chipmunk crossing not only facilitates the movement of skwerls within town, but is part of network of crossings that allow for the clandestine movement of skwerl-o-facist nutzys throughout the western United States.

Not convinced? Then how do you explain this incident in Montana...

Squirrels' stashes sparked small fires
By TRISTAN SCOTT of the Missoulian

Fire investigators are pinning several recent spot fires near Seeley Lake on an unlikely group of arsonists - squirrels.

A man reported the wildfires last Wednesday afternoon outside his home on Montana Highway 83, moments after turning the ignition key on his RV.

Unbeknownst to the driver, a local colony of gray squirrels had been stowing pine cones in the vehicle's exhaust pipe, and the loaded tailpipe began blasting fiery cones across his driveway like a Roman candle, igniting a handful of small grass fires.

According to the tongue-in-cheek fire report, Incident Commander Scott Meyer responded to the wildland fire with several engines in tow, and later ruled that the squirrels belonged to a paramilitary squirrel organization that has abounded for years in Seeley Lake, called the Pine Cone Liberation Organization (PCLO).

A lapse in squirrel-oversight intelligence had allowed the PCLO to engage in recon, planning and sabotage without fear of consequence or retribution, in the form of being chased by a broom, according to the report.

Calling the attack one which will live in infamy, Meyer blamed the incident on a well-known local dissident, Slippy the Squirrel. A critter notorious for his chirping fits and histrionics, Slippy's resistance efforts had previously been nonviolent in nature, Meyer said (Click Slippy for comment).

After years of being shot at with blow-guns, run over by logging trucks and chased by neighborhood dogs, the squirrels struck back, the report states. This had been their Bastille, their Red October, their chance at glory! Suppression efforts were started by all fire engines - the owner of the property upon which the squirrels had made their presence felt let the firefighters use the garden hose to cool off the pine cones. At 15:16, all resources were released from the fire. At that time, Meyer called the fire controlled, contained and dead-out. Slippy the Squirrel, however, remains at large. The PCLO could not be reached for comment.

Source: Missoulian.com

The untrained eye might conclude that the Montana incident described above is an isolated skwerlien atrocity. However, the St. Elmo, Colorado connection is obvious. According to the article, "Slippy the Squirrel... remains at large." Where could he be? Perhaps the St. Elmonians who maintain the "Chipmunk Crossing" would enlighten us... (Click Slippy for comment)

Patriots, we're convinced that Slippy the Squirrel and numerous other criminal chitterboxes move unfettered from place to place via crossings like the one in St. Elmo. Unfortunately, more evidence is needed before we can confront the traitorous minions of squirrel world domination responsible for this underground skwerlroad. But rest assured, we will be vigilant and at length the truth will out.