As many Patriots know, scary squirrel world was the first to alert the world to the sprawling Squirrel Enforcement Army base located on Moonstone Beach, Cambria, California in 1998 (click here for maps).

Two years later, we revisited the area and found the base in disarray. Sure, the nutzys were still there, but they were short on supplies and eager to put aside squirrel world domination for a few peanuts (click straving skwerl for comment).

Unfortunately, such is not the case in 2002. On June 07, 2002, we sent a team to revisit and reassess the situation at Moonstone Beach. Their investigation revealed that the bushytail horde is not only in full control of the immediate area, but they've expanded their reach many miles in both directions up and down the coast (click skwerl below for boastful chitter).

SKWERL GLOATS OVER RECENT SUCCESS - CLICK FOR HIDEOUS CHITTER

How did this turnabout occur? Our experts tell us there are two specific reasons for the bushytails' success: 1) a resurgence of hippie-peacenik-eco-terrorist-crystal-sucking skwerlhuggery; 2) government complicity.

As for skwerlhuggery, California's Central Coast has always had a resident hippie subculture all too willing to follow the false promises of squirrel world domination. Their influence was tempered by a less radical, working class populace. Still, local government approved urban growth plans in the late 1960's that guaranteed the preservation of open and natural spaces between population centers. Their plans ensured that chitterbox habitat would remain undisturbed while urban centers would be isolated and surrounded by nature.

The urban plans also limited new construction and growth resulting in astronomical housing costs. This changed the demographics of the area forcing many out and drawing in nature-crazed, affluent, and mostly liberal, honky-white do-gooders from San Francisco and Los Angeles.

The result? Take for example the hamlet of Harmony, population 18. Our investigators found an "art" glass studio and several "craft" shops there. Our team questioned several artisans. All confessed to having made and/or sold skwerl-related objects within the past 30 days (see example below). So, was it any wonder that the entire town is surrounded by drooling skwerlballs?

     
L-R: MANIACAL SKWERLS; HIPPIE CRAFT HOUSE; SKWERL FINGER PUPPETS

And what of government complicity? What could be more obvious than efforts to save a small shore bird, the Snowy Plover?

Snowy Plover populations along California's Pacific coast are listed as "threatened" by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. The state further designates the bird as a "species of special concern." Declining populations are due to expanding beach-front development and recreational activities. Conservation and restoration efforts center around protecting the plover's breeding grounds. In some areas, beaches are closed; in others, accessibility is limited.

While all this is well and good, there is one fact that the government is not telling you: when it protects Snowy Plover habitat, it shields the California Ground Squirrel as well. Thus, giving a critter officially designated as an agricultural pest the status of an endangered species. And we might also point out, the drooling g-skwerls will think nothing of eating Snowy Plover eggs and/or hatchlings...

Patriots, it should be clear that the bushytail horde is manipulating the Snowy Plover's plight for it's own insideous gain. So, we asked National Forest Service spokesperson, Bob Woodward, why the state and federal governments would go along with such a treasonous plan. His response...

Bob, Bob, is it delusional for us to see the threat to our nation, the world even - a threat that's right before our eyes? And is it delusional to want to respond to this threat as Patriots?

Well, we're certain that the Skwerl Firsters out there will try to convince you that there is no connection between habitat preservation and the skwerlien plan for squirrel world domination. And we might agree except, how do the skwerlverts explain this...

After a period of relative scarcity, the Northern Elephant Seal has returned to an area between Cambria and San Simeon, California. The northern elephant seal is a conservation success story. They were hunted to the brink of extinction, primarily for their blubber, which was used for lamp oil. By 1910, it's estimated that there were less than 100 elephant seals, all found on Guadalupe Island off Baja California, MX. Today, the northern elephant seal population is over 150,000 and is probably near the size it was before they were over-hunted.

In spite of this success, the elephant seal is still treated as if it were on its last leg, uh... flipper. Wherever they occur, bleeding-heart skwerlhuggers, disguised as volunteer guides, act as guards to keep onlookers from molesting the seals.

Their oversight includes admonitions against getting too close, riding jet skis, wind surfing, surfing, and even accessing the beaches where the seals congregate. Those who want to view the seals are restricted to limited areas a short distance away from the animals. This supposedly protects the seals from the stress of human intrusion (click seal for its comment).

However, these same areas are home to untold numbers of ground squirrels which are allowed to run rampant across the dunes. When our investigators pointed this out to the volunteer guides, they claimed they "hadn't noticed (the skwerls)." Moreover, these volunteers wouldn't hear of giving a tasty treat to an elephant seal, but they said it was "probably ok" to feed the chitterboxes.

NORTHERN ELEPHANT SEALS - ENSLAVED?

click thumbnails for large versions

Patriots, the evidence speaks for itself. The drooling g-skwerls have enslaved the elephant seals, forcing them to congregate on accessible beaches where tourists will fall victim to the unending demands of the same resident chitterboxes for delicious nuts.

This may please the minions of squirrel world domination. They may rejoice in the expansion of protected habitats that just happen to enclose entire squirrel enforcement army bases. They may get vicarious pleasure when their skwerlien overlords enslave entire species simply to get unearned tribute from the gullible. However, we emphatically do not.

Patriots, we must'nt let this latest threat to civilization go unchallenged. As you know, skwerlien demands for territory and tribute are never satisfied. They only lead to more more outrageous demands and atrocities (click skwerl for hideous chitter). Thus, the only remaining question is...

READER COMMENTS...

Lets give them guns and liquor

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Vigilante squads armed with shotguns should randomly patrol regions of skwerl activity and enforce justice. As the California government is controlled by a commie skwerl sympathizing party, the patrols should be done in secret, and perhaps should wear masks or white hoods.

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We could eat them

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We can set off an underground atomic explosion centered on the San Andreas fault line, thus causing the whole state of California to slip into the Pacific, Taking the nutballs with it.We will take the human population as collateral damage. Most of them are wackos anyway.

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tidal wave

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i don't know for sure, but i tell you this, i'm not gonna die for some stinkin', stuck-up yuppie's overpriced pile of crap bmw. i say nuke the whole place!!! dump that in your latte, yuppie scum (and skwerls)!!!! die, Die, DIE!!!!

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set up sand pits with tar in them. put peanut butter in so the skwerls go in. the will get caught in the pit and rot there

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uhhh.... why do we need to stop them? personally, i think squirrels are cute.

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Change the sand to glass... a small 1-2 kilo-ton nuclear device should suffice.

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poison them!!!

Ed. note: the State of California routinely bans or severely restricts chemicals used to control ground squirrel populations, most notably Compound 1080. In any event, the poisons can't be applied where they might affect threatened and endangered species.

Further, whining eco-terrorists rightly claim that the poisons adversely affect everything they come in contact with, including predators that snack on skwerls.

Not to worry, though. One of the newer, eco-friendly methods for controlling ground squirrel populations involves shoving a hose down the skwerl's burrow, pumping propane down the hole, and igniting the gas. The resultant explosion sends a concussive shock wave through the burrow system killing the skwerls.

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MORE BUSHYTAIL BEACH BULLIES



SCENES FROM THE WASTELAND


click thumbnails for large versions