Skwerls threaten holiday ritual - but there is hope!

        Here comes the summer and with it happy vacationers flocking to their favorite beach. But, as any Patriot can tell you, the beach is no safer than the forest when it comes to attacks by slavering nutkins.
        scary squirrel world was the first to expose skwerls on the beach in Cambria, California in 1998. Subsequent reports from concerned and/or victimized vactioners confirmed our original hypothesis: beaches everywhere are awash with dangerous skwerls. Try searching our site using the keyword "beach" to learn more about this unfortunate phenomena (see search box below).
        Anyways, we decided to return to the beach in Cambria to update the status of the beach-menacing California Ground Squirrel at the State Park on Moonstone Beach.

  
A CHITTERBOX ADDICTED TO NUTS? CLICK SKWERL FOR HIDEOUS CHITTER

        At first, the area looked clean of any skwerlien activity. But our sighs of relief were cut short when a slaverling skwerlball shot out in front of us with an ear-piercing squeal: the g-skwerl's call to battle.
        Suddenly, the aggressive nutkins were everywhere, eyeing us suspiciously, skittering about andedging ever closer (click here to see suspicious nut cruncher). Typically, our insane photo editor, LOvey Squirrel, paniced and ran leaving our research consultant, Patriot Kristine holding the bag (click here to see LOvey Squirrel run).
        Fortunately, the bag was full of delicious peanuts. Patriot Kristine scattered a few before the menacing horde and a wonderous thing happened: the chitterboxes began to beg for more. But, more significantly, devouring the salted, high-fat peanuts caused the skwerlballs to go, well... nuts. Soon, they'd lost all interest in squirrel world domination and were fighting amongst themselves (click on the beggin' chitterbox below to view our complete series of beach bully skwerl photos).

CLICK TO VIEW BEACH BULLY SKWERL GALLERY

        Patriots, we were so impressed with the bushytail demons' response to peanut ingestion that we asked National Forest Service spokesperson, Bob Woodward, why g-skwerls would trample each other to get at the artery-clogging treat. His response indicated that he had something to hide:

If I've told you imbeciles once, I've told you a million times... It's illegal to feed squirrels, or any wild animal, in state and federal parks... and don't pretend you don't know the reason... but, if I have to tell you why, you're dumber than I ever thought possible!!!

        Well, Bob, we certainly do know why, even if you refuse to say it: feeding skwerls delicious nuts distracts them from their plans for squirrel world domination, and their inate, greedy desire to englut themselves causes them to turn on each other - all to the benefit of mankind.
        Of course, our findings are preliminary. While it is certain that delicious peanuts momentarily distract the bushytail horde from marauding and pillaging (click here for Patriot Phlinger's artist's rendition), there's no indication that these nuts cause permanent changes in chitterbox behavior. However, suffice to say, that they can protect you from a dire fate should you encounter the maniacal bushytails on a beach near you...

READER COMMENTS:

Fellow Patriots! This is the scariest thing I have read on this website! You are encourageing Patriots to feed and fraternize with the enemy! Feed those vermints today and they WILL be back in EXPONENTIALLY LARGER numbers tomorrow; due to both rampant chitterbox reproduction rates and the fact that they'll bring their nut craving friends and relations back with them! Pity the poor fool that doesn't have peanuts in-hand when they go to the beach, as their bodies will be found buried in the sand dunes, ALL FLESH STRIPPED FROM THEIR BONE!!! And THAT could be YOU or YOUR CHILDREN! I fear we are doomed to the harsh paw of skwerll servitude!

- Patriot Rob

Editor's note: we understand Patriot Rob's concerns; especially in regard to our younger readers. Everyone should note that we do not advocate feeding skwerls. The encounter described in the story was under strict, controlled conditions. Children, do not attempt this at home! Skwerl bites hurt! We do suggest that Patriots carry a small quantity of nuts to distract attacking bushytails long enough to wade into their midst with your whacking stick, or to beat a hasty retreat if you're outnumbered.