Patriots, on May 29, 2004, the good citizens of Brevard, North Carolina awoke to the rising crescendo of marching feet. Those that investigated were confronted with a roisterous procession of pathetic skwerlhuggers, and, if one listened close enough, the snap of flicking bushytails and the gnashing of tiny teeth above the hub-bub.
What prompted the occasion? The town held its first-ever Memorial Day weekend event, the Annual White Squirrel Festival... promoting it this way:
If you want to "Go Nuts!" then Brevard, North Carolina is the place to do it. The City of Brevard, The Heart of Brevard, The Tourist Development Association and local merchants have all teamed up to celebrate the furry little critters that scurry through our downtown, parks and local college campus... the famous White Squirrels of Brevard. So we invite you to spend a few days with us and take a walking tour to see and possibly even photograph a White Squirrel for yourself.
Of course, many of you are already familiar with Brevard and its infamous claim to fame: the presence of white squirrels in and around the the town. The white nutzys are a melanistic variation of the common gray squirrel.
You may also know that Brevard proudly considers itself a "Home of the White Squirrel" town. This puts Brevard in competition with other communities claiming to home to the white nutzy including Marionville, Missouri, Exeter in Ontario, Canada and Olney, Illinois. Each hopes that its particular flavor of white chitterbox will bring forth the so-called Nice Squirrel, the mythical beast that Orthodox Skwerlhuggery believes will come to "set things right" (but right for whom?).
There's no doubt that Brevard is currently home to a white skwerl. However, it might more properly advertise itself as the Adopted Home of the White Squirrel. That's because Brevard's white skwerls aren't indigenous. They were brought to Brevard from Florida around 1949.
As the story goes, there was a car wreck in Florida in which 2 or more white squirrels escaped from the carny transporting them (the carny claimed the skwerls originally came from an island "off Hawaii"). The nutzys took refuge in a pecan orchard owned by one, Mr. Black. Mr. Black's orchard didn't do very well, but the skwerl population took off. Sensing an opportunity, Mr. Black began trapping and selling the white nutzys. In 1949, a Mr. H. H. Mull sent or brought a pair to his niece in Brevard. She passed them on to her grandfather, W. P. Mull. When one of the manaical chitterboxes escaped in '51, gramps set the other other one free too... and the rest is history.
White prophet or simple Brevardian skwerlball? photo by Volney Tinsely - click for comment
Indigenous or not, and given that North Carolina lists the Eastern Gray Squirrel as the offical state mammal, it's no surprise that Brevard continues to wallow in one of the basest forms of bushytail idolatry: an annual skwerl festival. This year's festival is scheduled for May 23-24, 2009.
The White Squirrel Festival represents Brevard's final capitulation to the heresy of skwerlhuggery and the false promises of squirrel world domination. Thus, it is part of the bushytail horde's Nexus of Nutty Towns honoring skwerls and an outpost for the millions of skwerlballs infesting nearby Pisgah National Forest.
Of course, the festival itself is an orgy of skwerlien debauchery. Young children are forced to parade about in skwerl costumes, Pisgah Pete the White Squirrel will strut about about while festival goers compete for a photo op with him, competitors in the Squirrel Box Derby will compete for the Golden Nut Trophy, and all will be forced to listen to local musicians sing the praises of skwerlien thralldom... (click photo to hear Skwerl Pisgah).
CLICK SKWERL (CENTER) FOR COMMENT ABOUT THE NICE SQUIRREL - PHOTOS BY VOLNEY TINSELY
Patriots, Brevard's fall reminds us that we must remain ever-vigilant in our righteous struggle against squirrel world domination. If not, how long before you awake to find goose-stepping skwerlhuggers parading through the streets of your town...
BREVARD WHITE SQUIRREL FESTIVAL PAGE
WHITE SQUIRREL RESEARCH INSTITUE
ARE THERE SQUIRRELS IN HEAVEN