scary squirrel world

VACATIONERS BEWARE

Patriots, it's a shame when an individual turns to the skwerl-side; and it's a horrific tragedy when an entire community capitulates to squirrel world domination. But what then?

Pathetic skwerlhuggers claim that their devotion to the bushytail horde is rewarded ten-fold by an enhanced quality of life for themselves and the community as a whole. We beg to disagree. Oh, sure, the slavering chitterboxes act all cute and fuzzy-wuzzy while you're of some use to them. But what happens if they bring squirrel world domination to fruition. Does anyone really believe they won't turn on humankind's pitiful, skwerlhugging remainder and wipe the race from the planet?

Apparently, the town of Brevard, North Carolina does...

Brevard is small town in western North Carolina's Transylvania County. It's just minutes from scenic Pisgah National Forest and a wonderland of waterfalls. But in spite of Brevard's bucolic setting, there's something wrong, very wrong with the town. Patriots, consider the photo below:

As you're loath to see, Brevard has capitulated to squirrel world domination; and to one of the most reprobate forms of skwerlhuggery: adoration of the white skwerl. How did this happen?

Local history has it that an unnamed carny was traveling through Florida in 1940. In the carny's possession were two or more white skwerls he'd obtained "from some islands off Hawaii." Since Hawaii is nutzy-free, it's unclear what other Pacific Ocean islands near Hawaii might host a horde of white chitterboxes...

In any event, the carny ran into trouble when he drove his caravan into a ditch. The vehicle overturned and the slavering white nutzys escaped. The cause of the accident and the fate of the carny are unknown.

We do know this: the white skwerls ended up in a pecan orchard owned by a retired railroad man named... Mr. Black.

The pecan market must have been off that year, or maybe the nutzys offered Mr. Black a deal he couldn't refuse, because he began breeding and distributing white skwerls instead (click pic to hear skwerl discuss options with Mr. Black).

One receipient of the drooling nut crunchers was a Mr. H. H. Mull. In 1949, Mr. Mull sent a pair of the chitterboxes to his niece in Brevard. The skwerls "escaped" in 1951 and Brevard was soon overrun with the demonic skwerlballs.

Things went from bad to worse over the next 53 years. Significant events included establishing the White Squirrel Research Institute at Brevard College and an ordinance protecting the white squirrel in Brevard. Finally, the town succumbed to the tyranny of skwerlhuggery by hosting its first annual White Squirrel Festival in May 2004.

Today, Brevard's maniacal white skwerliens live a pampered, aristocratic existence while frisky little stray kittens and puppies are sent to... the Brevard County Animal Shelter (click kitten for comment).

Brevard is now planning its second annual tribute to the white skwerl. This year's White Squirrel Festival is scheduled for May 28-29, 2005. Festival organizers claim it will be "bigger, better and of course... nuttier than ever."

However, the festival's 2005 event calendar isn't that much different from 2004. So, what sinister, nuttier than ever debauchery could Brevard and its skwerlien masters have planned this year?

To answer that question, we contacted a leading Brevard skwerlvert, author and photographer Don Weiser. However, there's a problem when asking skwerlhuggers to reveal their true intentions... oftentimes they refuse to answer and skwerlhugger Don looks to be no exception. However, we downloaded and combined a number of video clips from his website. They appear to be a Squirrel Enforcement Army training film when the pieces are joined into one clip...

Easy as one-two-three: click here for Weiser video - in windows media - optimized for broadband

Skwerlhugger Don's video records the activity of a skwerl he lovingly calls Whitey. Three peanuts are laid out in a row and Whitey carries them off in series. Given the mathmatical complexity of the task, we do not feel qualified to discern it's purpose or meaning. We're not holding our breath waiting for skwerlhugger Dan's explanation, either.

No, Patriots, with the festival fast approaching, we need to know what chicanery is afoot and what can be done to protect festival goers and the decent citizens of Brevard now. So we asked National Forest Service spokes person, Ranger Bob Woodward, to explain what measures the Forest Service will take to insure the safety of all involved. His response follows:

You cretins may have trouble understanding this, but the Forest Service could give a rat's a** about Brevard. Why? Because it's not within our jurisdiction. Besides, President Bush may have given us $58 million more for fire fighting in the next fiscal year, but there's an overall cut of $4 billion in the Forest Service budget... we're cutting back on everything. So, if Brevard isn't on fire, forget it.

There you have it. It appears that the Federal government has no interest in saving Brevard from squirrel world domination. So, why don't we go to North Carolina's state government? Because that's an exercise in futility. You see, the North Carolina State Mammal is... the gray squirrel.

READER COMMENTS...

white sqwerls are even more evil than brown sqwerls, but not as evil as red sqwerls, cause red sqwerls are stain the color of their last victim. ~~~~~Dani~~~~ aka: onlyonefunkymonkey(andthatsmee)
this is plainly retardid
The only solution, obviously, to this problem is to nuke the whole state and pray that the squirrels didn't make it to their bomb shelters in time. The reason for this extreme action? The humans there are lost to the squirrel menace and will only proceed in converting others. Destroy everything in the state and the squirrels will have a major foothold blasted out from under them.
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH squirrels are addcted to mariguana they love it
so true dude!!!!!!!!
people are mean pointing guns at kittens
the prson who had the gun YOUR AN IDIIT
he's ugly ha ha ha! I Love him
I hate squirrels, all squirrels should DIE!!!!!
the cat 1 was so funny i loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some islands off Hawaii? They are minions of Cthulhu! Oh lordy, this is worse than I thought. The Great Old Ones are in league with the satan skwerls. We are all doomed.
this is a nice web site about squirrels
shunt up
I dont understand exactly your point of view? You´re saying that u dont like squirrels? That your town doesnt deserve to treat well that Squirrels? I love animals and love to protecte them.. so im no understanding good this!! I see no problem in squirrels.. only if u piss on dogs and cats! We should respect all animals and all nature! Squirrel World domination? What tha f__k.. F__k you stupid americans!!! Go protect your Guns and balls!! But if your on the side of the White or black or whatever squirrel.. good luck and positive energy!
THESE PEOPLE ARE WORSE THAN HIPPIES!
you people need to calm down jeezzzzz
i like the kitten picture and i think that you should send me some more:) thats a smiley face
I was realy inspired by the squirrel video, and i have had a kitty burgler. However, I didn't have a gun, so It bit me. Tell it i still Have the scar. if it strikes agian I will be ready ( tell It that too)
white skwerels suck
i dont think we should kill the squirrels. there pretty cool and they giv my friend jordan an er___tion so just leave them alone!!!!
This is the dumbest website I have ever visited
kill whitey
cool and funny
white squirrels are freken cute
Well, obviously the only solution is to set fire to Brevard. (duh)
Do the white ones cook up as tender and delicious and tasty as the grey ones?
This squirrel has the cutest hairdo! Looks like something from a Japanese painting or a modern Mohawk.
u all are on crack
LOVE THAT SQUIRREL
forget the squirrels...help that kitty!!!!
This is the best website ever
I wouldn't lose any sleep over this. North Carolina has a fine tradition of breeding squirrel dogs for the sole purpose of squirrel hunting. Brevard is obviously a puppy training center providing easily visible targets for the dogs to to get their teeth into. Patriot Aitch.
I like it but why would the squirrel be saying a bad word.
The squirrel is HOT!!!
that's wierd but i liked it.
THIS WHOLE F__KEN PAGE IS STUPID
this is an auwsome kitty. the kitty will come back and haunt you if you make fun of him and he will cut your balls of!!!!!!!this kitty knows karottie. he will chop your head of and take your eye balls out and eat them!!!BEWARE!!!
These squirrels should be respected.Ilove squirrels!!! I'm studying them for no reason they rock save the squirrels!!!
that squirrel is auwsome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i like the cat picture
Whoever writes this material should be writing for the Tonight Show. Just great.
the kitty is funny