Patriots, on May 29, 2004, the good citizens of Brevard, North Carolina awoke to the rising crescendo of marching feet. Those that investigated were confronted with a roisterous procession of pathetic skwerlhuggers, and, if one listened close enough, the snap of flicking bushytails and the gnashing of tiny teeth above the hub-bub.

What prompted the occasion? The town of Brevard held its first-ever Annual White Squirrel Festival... promoted this way:

If you want to "Go Nuts!" then Brevard, North Carolina is the place to do it. The City of Brevard, The Heart of Brevard, The Tourist Development Association and local merchants have all teamed up to celebrate the furry little critters that scurry through our downtown, parks and local college campus... the famous White Squirrels of Brevard. So we invite you to spend a few days with us and take a walking tour to see and possibly even photograph a White Squirrel for yourself.

Source: whitesquirrelfestival.com

Of course, many of you are already familiar with Brevard and its infamous claim to fame: the presence of white squirrels in and around the the town. The white nutzys are a melanistic variation of the common gray squirrel.

You may also know that Brevard proudly considers itself a "Home of the White Squirrel" town; joining others including Marionville in Missouri, Exeter, Ontario, Canada and Olney, Illinois. Each hopes that its particular cadre of white chitterboxes will bring forth the so-called Nice Squirrel, the mythical beast that Orthodox Skwerlhuggery believes will come to "set things right" (but right for whom?).

White prophet or simple Brevardian skwerlball? photo by Volney Tinsely - click for comment

Given that North Carolina lists the Eastern Gray Squirrel as the offical state mammal, it should come as no surprise that Brevard plans to wallow in one of the basest forms of bushytail idolatry: an annual skwerl festival.

In fact, we'd wouldn't give this event a passing thought except that a) it's Brevard's first official festival; and b) to comment on some skwerlhuggers' claims that the Nice Squirrel will rise from the ranks of Brevard's white chitterboxes.

As for the festival itself, it represents Brevard's final capitulation to the heresy of skwerlhuggery and the false promises of squirrel world domination. It becomes part of the bushytail horde's Nexus of Nuttry and an outpost for the millions of skwerlballs infesting nearby Pisgah National Forest.

Brevard's fall is a terrible blow. Young children are forced to parade about - some in skwerl costumes; Pisgah Pete the White Squirrel sauntered about while his minions competed for a photo op with him; adults were lulled into senselessness during the White Squirrel Drink Competition; and all were forced to listen to local musicians sing the praises of skwerlien thralldom... (click photo to hear Skwerl Pisgah).

However, we note that one town's insatiable desire to turn to the skwerl-side is not shared throughout North Carolina. For example, the good folks of Mount Olive have said enough is enough (see link below) and skwerl remains one of the most popular game animals in the state.

As for the coming of the Nice Squirrel... Sorry, all you Brevard skwerlverts, not likely. Even the dimmest inductee into your chitterbox cult will learn that the false promises of squirrel world domination and its subsidiary, Orthodox Skwerlhuggery preach that the Nice Squirrel will have blazing red eyes and fur as white as snow. Clearly, the Brevard skwerls' fur includes a blackish stripe on head and back...

CLICK SKWERL (CENTER) FOR COMMENT ABOUT THE NICE SQUIRREL - PHOTOS BY VOLNEY TINSELY

Patriots, Brevard's fall reminds us that we must remain ever-vigilant in our righteous struggle against squirrel world domination. If not, how long before you awake to find goose-stepping skwerlhuggers parading through the streets of your town...

CLICK TO HEAR TUFTY SING Dirty Old Town in windows media optimized for broadband