scary squirrel world

BACK TO THE BEACH 2004

Patriots, with winter upon us, many of you are contemplating some down time away from frigid temperatures, sleet and snow. But where to go...?

Traditionally, Patriots in the Northern Hemisphere seek refuge from Jack Frost in foreign and/or southern climes. Unfortunately, this search for an endless summer leads some smack dab into the maws of an endless bummer...

Deary scary squirrel world,

A friend saw your site and sent me the link and said I should send you a report about the most horrific squirrel attack in which I was the helpless victim.

My report comes after a trip to Monterey on the 17 mile drive through Pebble Beach (California).

I saw this "cute" ground squirrel and thought he needed one of my cashews I had in the car. Once I tried to give him the nut, seagulls came out of nowhere and were aggressively taking any nut I tried to throw down. I had no idea that seagulls are so bold!!!

Then the little guy got smarter and figured if he begged real close to me, nobody else could snatch the nut away. Here's where things went terribly wrong... After he got one nut from me, about ten of his buddies came out from the rocks and wanted some. Fearing for my life, I threw them a couple of nuts and then the original little guy figured I wasn't paying attention to him so he...

  
CLICK 2ND AND 3RD PHOTOS TO HEAR SKWERLS HIDEOUS CHITTER

There would be more photos except the squirrels took my friend out at the same time they attacked me. I think we escaped only because the sea gulls intervened. I guess they were trying to warn us all along.

Ok, that's my report. I just thought the world should know that the 17 Mile Drive can easily turn into a Highway to Hell with all those squirrels just waiting for you!!!

~ Patriot McDonald

Patriots, we know what some of you are thinking... Why must a day at the beach turn into an ordeal of skwerlien terror? Surely, our government must oppose the chitterbox plot to compromise our coastlines? Shouldn't the National Forest Service, State Fish and Game or even the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) intervene? What about protecting human environment?

Well, we brought your concerns to National Forest Service spokesperson, Bob Woodward. We found Ranger Woodward in the clubhouse of the Pebble Beach Golf Course just a mile or two from the attack. His response follows...

You! What are you doing here!?! If you're so obsessed with those squirrels, maybe we'll ship in a few thousand more just to keep the likes of you preoccupied and away from here! SECURITY!!!

There you have it. Ranger Woodward inadvertently let slip what every Patriot knows: the government is but a complicitous minion of squirrel world domination, or surely action would've been taken to protect the public by quarantining the bushytail beach bullies...

CLICK TO HEAR QUARANTINED BEACH BULLY

ATTENTION SKWERLHUGGERS: Were you appalled by the beastly attack on Patriot McDonald? Are you prepared to reject skwerlhuggery and the false promises of squirrel world domination but can't quite break away from your addiction? May we suggest joining Skwerlhuggers Anonymous - the easy 3-step program that will free you from the shackles of skwerlien oppression...