THIRD SHROUD SURFACES IN VANCOUVER, B.C., CANADA

As most Patriots know, Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel is today's malevolent leader of the bushytail horde. It's Tufty's vision of squirrel world domination that we oppose and traitorous skwerlhuggers embrace.

Many of you also know the controversy regarding Tufty's current whereabouts. Some say that the squirrel we know today as "Tufty" isn't the same chitterbox who first unfied the slavering nut crunchers in the 1960's. As the theory goes, the first Tufty died in 1971 at age 15. He was buried in a secret location in England and another nutzy assumed the role of Tufty in much the same way as the Caesars ruled ancient Rome (click Tufty for his statement).

Support for this theory was enhanced when a skwerlien shroud was uncovered during an archaeological dig in Shoreham-by-Sea, West Sussex, England. However, we subjected this "shroud" to rigorous scientific testing and concluded that the cerement is nothing more than a discarded hanky.

The waters were further muddied when investigators found a second shroud - also in England. This second cerement was significantly smaller than the first and seemed to support the multiple Tufty theorists. Again, our tests indicated that the second shroud is also a discarded hanky. Thus, it remains our position that there was and is only one Tufty the Trafffic Safety Squirrel.

Or is there? Consider the following report from one of our operatives in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada...

I am sending you the enclosed "shroud" as instructed. To protect my source, I can not tell you exactly where I got it or from whom, except to say Vancouver, British Columbia, which is in Canada (in case you don't know).

I sending this to you because it implies that Tufty did die on a visit to North America, but not in the States as some say, but right here in Canada. It also seems to prove that his body wasn't sent back to England for secret burial because my source discoverd the enclosed in a shallow grave in Victoria Park. The grave was already dug up when he found it and whatever else that was in it was gone (suggesting that Tufty has risen from the grave?)

I hope you find the enclosed helpful in the struggle against squirrel world domination!

~ Patriot Dwayne

A THIRD SHROUD?

click for large version

Patriots, once again our examination and testing of this latest "shroud" reveals no skwerlien residuals. This suggests that Shroud #3 is nothing more than another discarded hanky, the same as the first and second shrouds. Additionally, only the first shroud is large enough to cover a skwerl of Tufty's stature. Shrouds 1 and 2 are half the size of the first and would barely cover a dismembered chipmunk. Thus, we conclude (again) that all the shrouds are duperies - efforts to distract us from our struggle against the nutzy menace.

Still, the entire shroud controversy arose over Tufty's "missing years" (see links below for details). Some say Tufty died and was replaced, others claim to have seen Tufty securely at the helm of the Squirrel Enforcement Army during the period in question, while others claim that Tufty uses a surrogate so that he can engage in the debauched lifestyle of a despot. Thus, we will continue to research the issue and invite your comments below...

SOME READER THEORIES

Are you implying that Tufty will rise again as the Antichrist? Well if you are, I have only one thing to say: That would be pretty cool. As long as he doesn't damn me to hell or anything weird like that.