For those who don't know, Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel rose to power in England as the head of the Squirrel Enforcement Army (SEA) in the late 1960's. He then initiated his campaign for squirrel world domination.

Tufty maintained a high profile into the 1970's, but then dropped out of site - or so we thought. He resumed his public role again in 1997. However, recent intelligence shows that Tufty was hiding in plain view by changing his appearance in the 1980's, and more recently at the turn of the century (see our Tufty Through the Ages feature linked below); he's never left the scene.

Tufty thru the ages - left to right: 60's-70's; 80's; 2000-1

In spite of our findings, or perhaps because of them, there are those who believe that Tufty died in 1971 while on a visit to the United States.

According to this theory, Tufty's advisors failed to tell him that traffic in America moves the opposite of traffic in England. Then, on his way to a clandestine meeting to promote the sale of Nutella in the States, he looked right instead of left, stepped off the curb (kerb) accompanied by his goon, Willy Weasel, and was flattened by a large American sedan (miraculously, Willy received only minor injuries).

Here the story diverges: some say Tufty was maintained on life support until scientists transformed him into a bionic, shape-shifting superskwerl.
However, others say that Tufty was killed instantly, a fact kept from the public when his minions wisked the body away. They shipped the remains back to England and Tufty was buried in an undisclosed location.

Subsequently, a potentially disasterous power struggle within the SEA was averted when delegates met at Stormont outside Belfast, Northern Ireland, formed the Ulster Squirrel Alliance, and elected a new "Tufty" as head of the SEA.

This latter theory, that the original Tufty is dead, gained credence when a shroud surfaced - supposedly the Shroud of Tufty. However, our researchers examined the shroud, submitted it to rigorous tests, and concluded that it was nothing more than a discarded hanky.

Now, a second shroud has surfaced compounding the mystery:

A second shroud? Click for large version

This new "shroud" was also found in England, and proponents of the shroud theory say that it's the shroud of one of Tufty's successors. They maintain that it proves that the current head of the SEA is called "Tufty" in the same way the rulers of ancient Rome were called Caesar...

Patriots, we respectfully disagree with those who believe that Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel was run over in 1971.

As with the first shroud, we find none of the forensic evidence that would commonly be associated with a skwerlien cerement (e.g. chitterbox DNA, whiskers, partially digested nuts, etc.). We can only conclude that this newest shroud is yet another discarded hanky recovered from the bottom of a drawer and sold to the gullible by a cheapjack at a boot sale.

Nonetheless, we recognize that there remains a mystery: is the original Tufty dead? If yes, who's at the head of the SEA today? If Tufty's not dead, is he retired? Still in charge? Sane? Insane? A bionic shape-shifter? What? Submit your opinion using the handy form below...