Dear Scary Squirrel World,

I was looking over your Tufty the Traffic Squirrel stuff and noticed that there's a big gap in the timeline. Maybe you could clear the problem up for me and anyone else who might ask.

You say that Tufty became the leader of all squirrels sometime in the 1960's or early 1970's, but then there doesn't seem to be any mention of Tufty again until 1997.

What gives? Where was Tufty during all that time?

-Patriot Russel

Patriot Russel brings up a good point and a mystery that's confounded our best researchers and sources: the whereabouts of Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel during a 26 year period ending in 1997.

While there are many rumors regarding Tufty's supposed absence, one stands out as truly bizarre: Some maintain that Tufty died in 1971 at the age of 15 and that he was secretly buried by his followers somewhere in England.

This odd theory gained some credence when researchers reported that Tufty's shroud was uncovered during an archaeological dig in Shoreham-by-Sea, West Sussex, England.

However, scary squirrel world recently obtained the shroud and subjected it to rigorous scientific tests. We found no evidence of the skwerlien DNA, bushytail bristles, or half-digested nuts that would be present on a chitterbox shroud. In fact, we believe the so-called shroud to be nothing more than a discarded hankie. Thus, the Shroud of Tufty, pictured below, is nothing more than a hoax.

Click the shroud for large version

While all this is interesting in an academic sort of way, it still doesn't explain Tufty's missing years; and Tufty isn't talking (click pic below for his response). Thus, we invite you to submit your theories as to the why and where of Tufty's mysterious absence...

WHAT'S YOUR THEORY

READER COMMENTS:

After the failure of his attempt to brainwash Britain's children he was smuggled into the U.S. to set up a new cult here. Ironically, he was hit by a car crossing a street when he neglected to stop at the curb, not knowing it was the American version of a "kerb." He would have been hit regardless of the poor intel he received, since his minions had been brainwashed to look right first.

His inner circle rescued his half flattened body and kept him alive underground until the technology was invented to create a bionic torso that looks just like a normal squirrel. (Stolen from U.S. Top Secret Government testing facility, guess which one. It's true, they burrowed under the defenses!) Yes, that's right, he is now the 6 million dollar squirrel. (insert sound effects here.)

Don't worry, though, about his incredible abilities. It's not like you can leap over tall buildings and bend steel with a bionic torso...he just passes nuts like a bebe gun. It stings and might break the skin, and don't try to punch him in the gut.