Patriots, many skwerlhuggers would have you believe that Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel's infamous Tufty Club was a well-meaning educational tool brought to us by the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (RoSPA).

However, as we've objectively shown time and again, the RoSPA is nothing more than the political wing of Tufty's Squirrel Enforcement Army, and the Tufty Club a thinly disguised organization bent on corrupting our youth.

Now, at great risk and expense, we've obtained a rare recording from Tufty's early days, My Own Tufty Record.

This full length lp contains 24 songs and stories glorifying Tufty, his dastardly Kerb Drill, and the false promises of squirrel world domination.

So, what do the experts think of this record? Some find the contents so intensly boring that they speculate the average child would ignore it, fall asleep while it played, thus permitting Tufty's nutzy propaganda to surreptitiously embed itself in the child's brain. Others say the messages are designed to turn anyone, awake or in slumber, into drooling skwerlhuggers after only a few cuts.

With that, we bring you our offering from the Tufty Club Record: The Lollipop Man. In this, an episode both disturbed and prophetic, Tufty and his goons purchase automatic weapons from a shadowy underworld figure, Lollipop Man, while on their way to school. Greedy for more, they discover Lolly's source, thus precipitating a desperate rush to a horrific conclusion you won't believe!

Also for your consideration, two bonus songs: a bizarre rendition of Look Left, Look Right (Tufty's Kerb Drill) and the tawdry Mr. Lollipop...