Patriots, do you ever wonder where skwerls come from? Hard to believe, many people do not. But every Patriot understands the need to know the enemy, and chitterbox origins is an important part of that knowledge.
This page replaces our old Where Do Skwerls Come From? feature which went online in 1997. It's purpose is to shed light on a controversial subject: the origins of a species.
So, we invite you to consider the information on this page. Then take our poll and/or express your opinion regarding skwerlien origins below.
WHAT THE "EXPERTS" SAY...
Science tells us that the bushytail horde evolved out of the primordial ooze beginning with Paramys in the late Paleocene (about 55 million years ago). Paramys sported a mostly squirrel-like skeleton but without the arboreal adaptations. It also had a primitive jaw musculature which modern squirrels still retain.
The first critter we would recognize as a skwerl was Protosciurus. It had the unique ear structure of modern squirrels and looked little different than today's slavering, over-agitated, arboreal nutzys (click skwerl for comment).
The first fossilized Protosciurus bones were found in North America and date to the early Oligocene (23-37 million years ago). Thus, experts theorize that skwerls originated in North America, possibly in the Pacific Northwest. From there, they spread around the world culminating in a frenzied gambol into South America about 3-4 million years ago (click here for a Paleocene to present timeline - requires Flash - 576k).
Sciurus, the modern squirrel genus, arose in the Miocene and has not changed since then. Among the rodents, squirrels are considered living fossils.
Scientic theory on the drooling nutcrunchers origins is all well and good. It paints a historical picture of the the spread of skwerlien debauchery around the globe. However, it fails to identify who or what is responsible for the bushytail horde.
Consider this: the so-called experts are mute on what proceeded pre-protoskwerlien Paramys. They'd have us believe that it simply "evolved" from some other pre-protoskwerlien skwerlien.
More significantly, Paramys happened upon the scene in the Paleocene and Protosciurus during the Oligocene... but there appears to be no evidence of any skwerlien anywhere during the intervening time period, the Eocene.
This strongly suggests that someone or something pulled Paramys from the market, came up with a better model, and released it back into the environment an epoch later. Thus, the evidence indicates that skwerls are the result of an Intelligent Designer with an intelligent design (click skwerl for comment).
THE WHO AND THE WHAT...
Of course, the design, or plan if you will, is no mystery. Every Patriot knows it as the bushytail horde's plan for squirrel world domination. This nefarious plan was set in motion eons ago. It's historically seen in the sudden appearance of modern skwerls and their systematic rampage around the world using global shifts in land masses as platforms for conquest.
Squirrel world domination is evidenced today by the maniacal skwerlballs' continuous attacks on the people, places, and things important to human civilization...
FLAG DESECRATION; HOME INVASION; SABOTAGE: WILL IT EVER END? CLICK NUTZY ABOVE FOR COMMENT
Unfortunately, defining who or what is responsible for unleashing the skwerlien menace in the first place remains a matter of conjecture. Currently, there are three competing theories. They are (click on graphics for animated info):
The Natural Theory: using "why ask why" reasoning, some simply believe that skwerls evolved as the evolutionary theorists suggest. In other words, they crawled out of the ooze with the rest of us and who cares where the ooze came from. A variation of this theory speculates that skwerls grow on trees and/or metamorph from some more innocuous life form.
The Preternatural Theory: supporters of this theory think that skwerls are alien life forms from outer space. The theory solves the problem of how nutzys got to earth, but not necessarily where they came from in the first place. Preternatural theory is very popular with the unfortunate victims of skwerlien abductions. Some claim that their chitterbox abductors imprisoned them in a giant tree on the far side of the sun. NASA has been unable to confirm this.
The Supernatural Theory: a belief favored by pathetic skwerlhuggers and espoused by the heresy of Orthodox Skwerlhuggery. It claims that there is a mystical, immortal Nice Squirrel; the Nice Squirrel planted the Tree of Delicious Nuts; and skwerls sprang forth from the Tree. The Tree supposedly grows in the Pacific Northwest where it is guarded by the immense Skwerlfoot. It should also be noted that common citizens often say that a benevolent, non-skwerl diety is responsible; and Patriots frequenty blame it all on a non-skwerl devil.
Needless to say, there are many variations of the above theories. Patriots and skwerlhuggers email us their versions and we publish the publishable every few months.
Unfortunately, most writers do not provide support for their theories, but every so often compelling evidence is included. Consider the following...
CLICK SCREENSHOT FOR COMPELLING VIDEO
At least I would have called you crackpots until I startrd having trouble with the squirrels in my yard. All of a sudeen there were a million of them and they seemed to come out of nowhere. Then I noticed that the pumpkins I was putting out for Halloween were showing holes in them and the insides were gutted.
My husband said that he thought the squirrels did it but I never saw one go near a pumpkin. Infact they acted like the pumpkins didn't exist. Then I saw it!!! A squirrel emerged from a pumpkin just like it had been born in it. I searched the web and found avideo that proves what I say and then I found your squirrel world and I thought you would want it.
I used to be an "unrepentant skwerlhugger" like the ones you write about, but since the pumpkin incident and after learning the truth from you, you can sign me,
REPENTANT Skwerlhugger Katt
- in windows media format - 2mb -
Patriots, we're not endorsing the Natural Theory of Skwerl Origin, nor are we agreeing with Patriot Katt's conclusion that skwerls come from pumpkins. We present it only to stimulate reasoned, objective debate.
We do ask that you you consider the facts and information presented and then express your opinion in the poll at the top of the page and/or send us further comment and theories using the handy form below.
All comments and theories will be read by our science editor, Patriot Cletus, and some will be published on a random basis, about every three months or so...
ARCHIVE OF READER THEORIES
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SCIENCE IN ACTION
CHEW ON THIS: WHAT DO SKWERLS EAT
wdscf animations courtesy of and © Patriot Phlinger