Patriots, teaching children about skwerls is an important part of parenting. Basic instruction should begin at an early age and continue through the formative years.

Failure to do so leads to embarrassing future encounters with the drooling nutzys or worse (see links below). Therefore, we recommend warning toddlers as young as 1 to be wary of all skwerlballs.

Of course, most toddlers react intinctively to skwerls. On spying a bushytail, the avearge 1-3 year old will toddle up to it and either a) try to stomp on it, or b) pick it up and stuff it in his or her mouth.

While we applaud such innocent bravado, only a dead skwerl will tolerate this sort of behavior. The consequences to the toddler are often unpleasant (click toddler for comment).

Needless to say, pathetic skwerlhuggers will tell you that skwerls really pose no danger to young children. They argue that we are peddling paranoia to parents who already have enough to worry about.

Patriots, we can only wish for a world in which the maniacal nutzys are reformed into the lovey equivalent of baby chicks. But that dream is an illusion...

Toddler Falls Three Floors, Walks Away Barely Scratched
Thu Sep 11,11:29 AM ET

(Greenbelt, Md.) - It was a close-call for a one-year-old boy in Greenbelt Thursday morning.

  Police say shortly before 9 a.m., the toddler was looking at a squirrel when he pushed up against the screen of an open window and fell three floors landing on mulch, making for a soft landing. The boy was barely scratched according to officers (click skwerls for further comment).

  The boy was already back in the apartment when officers arrived, and seemed fine. But he was taken to Children's Hospital in Washington as a precaution.

Chauncey Bowers with Prince George's Fire says the child appears to have no significant injuries.

The incident happened in an apartment in the 9,100 block of Edmonston Road. Source: Yahoo News

Patriots, we can only guess at which of the many false promises of squirrel world domination the Edmonston chitterbox used to lure that toddler out the window.

  However, the lesson for us is clear. We must teach our children that the bushytail horde is a menace to society.

  Moreover, we must tell the youngest, those unable to defend themselves to simply stay clear of all skwerlballs unless an adult or older, responsible child is present.

  How you accomplish this is each parent's decision. However, child development experts agree that the direct approach is best (click children for example).

As for you children out there... Perhaps your parents have fallen victim to squirrel world domination. They have become what we call pathetic skwerlhuggers. You can tell by the way they lavish more attention and better vittles on their skwerlien overlords than on you.

Unfortunately, skwerlhuggery is often chronic and irreversible. However, you can help. Confront your parents with their misguided behavior. Your pleas to turn from the skwerl-side may be the trigger that brings your folks back to reality (click boy for example).

Patriots, the unprovoked Edmonston incident once again exposes Tufty's hellions for the animals they really are. It also reminds us that you're never too young or too old to learn how to do the right thing when it comes to combating the slavering nutzy's. Thus the only remaining question is...

A READER COMMENTS...

Your website came in real handy today. I work as a health aide in an elementary school and some lunatic squirrel jumped through a window into one of our 3rd grade classes. Supposedly it was frightened by a 5th grade class outside the building, freaked out, and went from the proverbial frying pan into the fire by joining even younger kids contained in a classroom. From what I understand the little guy first jumped on the back of a parent volunteer and from there scampered around the classroom, leaping on and off desks and scratching several children. I learned of this event when one little girl whose back was scratched came to the health office for "treatment". It was a very busy day, conversing with animal control and the parents of each of the scratched children. We will never know what possessed this little fellow to seek refuge from the 5th graders inside Rm. 8, but I couldn't resist printing out your October calendar for the teacher involved to give her a little chuckle at the end of one crazy day!

~ Patriot Irene


ATTENTION SKWERLHUGGERS: Were you appalled by this beastly attack? Are you prepared to reject skwerlhuggery and the false promises of squirrel world domination but can't quite break away from your addiction? May we suggest joining Skwerlhuggers Anonymous - the easy 3-step program that will free you from the shackles of skwerlien oppression...