scary squirrel world ARE SKWERLS ADDICTED TO NUTS?

Patriots, from time to time, we receive correspondence from pathetic skwerlhuggers that goes beyond the usual death threat. Some actually have something constuctive and/or informative to say. Others are simply delusional rants about the coming of squirrel world domination.

Then there are those that claim to recall a history that never happened. Perhaps they think we're gullible enough to believe their version of the truth. Or, perhaps, as John Steinbeck wrote, "a thing isn't necessarily a lie even if it didn't necessarily happen."

Case in point, consider the following "history" from unrepentant skwerlhugger Scott Allen Johnson. Mr. Johnson's report documents a "history" of substance abuse by the bushytail horde. Here it is unaltered for your review:

Story by Scott Johnson

There are many names for it, dry roasting, roasting the shell, burning the goobers, shelling the bumpy nut, lighting the peanut butter candle, and the Planters high, just to name a few. But no matter what you call it, skwerls all over are Toaking the salty nut and liking it. It's a growing problem of epidemic proportions.


Back in the 1960's, on a peanut farm, not far from Woodstock New York a Skwerl named Timothy picked up a burning peanut and decided to inhale the smoke. Timothy saw colors and smelled smells he had never experienced before. He found he liked the way smoking peanuts made him feel. Timothy called a small group of friends to his hollow tree and that night they had the very first "Planters Party".

The word about these P. Parties (as they are now called) spread like peanut butter. Soon Skwerls all over the world were "Lighting their lagoons". The skwerls felt like they had the power and nothing could harm them. These "Goober Heads" were Smoking their way high into skwerl society and taking over where they did not belong.

We all remember the 1965 Farm riot where hostile Goober Heads staged a sit-in at the Carter Peanut farm demanding free peanuts for all, nothing but the FREE PEANUT. The Army National Squirrels were called out. Nothing good came of the riot, in the end two skwerls were run over by a Chevrolet Corvair and one innocent baby skwerl lost the tip of his tail.



Most think the fad of smoking peanuts has long lost its appeal. Only a few old timers in dark underground tree stumps still light up the occasional Brown Bumpy Shell, but the fact is the problem of smoking peanuts is now becoming mainstream. Young and old alike are now in the open smoking the nasty nut out in public.

Just last month there was a 1000 strong P Party in the middle of Times Square. Dealers are selling bags of peanuts at every baseball games and sporting event.

Parks are filled with humans tossing peanuts at the Skwerls watching them light up and toaking their way up the trees. These photos are just a few of the young who openly light up. What can be done to stop this? Please help!

Ok... we're pretty sure that the P Party in Times Square never happened, and what the heck is a "Corvair"? So, we have to wonder if skwerlhugger Scott isn't puffin' the dry roasteds himself.

Or, perhaps, this is just another, albeit veiled attempt to blame the bushytail horde's maniacal behavior on others? You've all heard skwerlhuggery's apologists rationalize their skwerlien overlords' misdeeds with excuses - excuses that always place the blame for bad behavior elsewhere:

  • the horse wouldn't have stepped in the ground skwerl hole and broken its leg if the rancher hadn't put the horse in the pasture

  • the nutzy wouldn't have mauled the little boy if it hadn't been raised as a pet by a human who later set it free in the park

  • and as implied in Mr. Johnson's report, the skwerlballs are substance abusers because people feed them junk food...


Patriots, if skwerls were addicted to nuts as described in skwerlhugger Scott's report, the struggle to defeat squirrel world domination would become a simple chore. However, we've already researched the subject at length and in depth.

Our definitive report, The Skwerls of Brixton (see link below), brings the truth about skwerls and substance abuse out of the dark and into the light of day: the nutters aren't abusing nuts, drugs, or anything else.

Their only addiction is to squirrel world domination - by any means necessary. This includes distributing habit-forming substances to us, so that we become addicted to serving their needs - a circumstance we must not let come to pass (click skwerl for comment).

So, Patriots, the next time you run across a seemingly fanciful skwerlien tale, ask yourself, is the writer nuts, or is this yet another traitorous attempt to turn you to the skwerlside...?


republicans and christians need to fire up and stop screwing up the world.

This is sick and perverted humor, everyone sane knows that little squirrels only smoke those hulls for medicinal purposes, and it is all perfectly legal. Quit picking on my squirrel buddies and pick on someone your own size......sorry, I didn't know!

Festus Squirrel
That really does explain so much. As London's premier blogging pigeon, I have always been anti skwerl and have written about it on several occasions, particularly since observing first hand their growing interest in martial arts. ~Your pal, Brian Pigeon - keepin' it real for the pigeons of London.
For sure this author had to attend one of the P Party's. Not long ago I personally witnessed the author engaged in climatic exchange of the afore mentioned substance in a Cleveland Park. So yes this abuse will continue as its link to photography is under investigation.
I think somebody has been smoking the dry green stuff just a few too many decades ...
hmmm. That explains the bloodshot eyes..
Dang that was a beauty.... too funny!!!
The Anti-Skwerl Hugger Force will stop any attempts at skwerl world domination.:P
Lock em'up en throw away the dang key, filthy varmints.
i think you're better off with the toons then you are with the stupid sugar coated marijuana humor. i also think you have a really weird fetish with and about squerrels.
nothing will turn me squirrels are evil and are fun to shot my favorit thing to do is hit the head of a squirrel and give it a ceshure
stop dis'in da brothers, sighned hatta
Are you for real? cause your scaring me.