Patriots, how many times have you heard someone say that skwerls are just rats with bushy tails and a good public relations firm?

Of course, cute, lovey rats aren't maniacal, demonic chitterboxes and never the twain shall meet. Right?

Maybe, maybe not. But for years, there's been an urban legend circulating amongst New Yorkers that a beastly half-rat, half-skwerl stalks the city's streets.

Our coverage of the sqrat phenomena began in 1999 with a review of fashion designer Ivy Supersonic's allegations that sqrats are running rampant in Manhattan's parks (see link below).

Click to hear skwerl and rat discuss their relationship (177k wav)

During our investigation, we heard from thousands of New Yorkers who claimed they had seen sqrats in parks, at ball games, at the theater, almost everywhere. However, no one presented objective evidence that the creatures exist.

That's not to say that New York isn't infested with slavering skwerlballs. We found more than enough proof to issue traveler advisories for many parts of the city, especially Stuyvesant Town where skwerl gangs run amok (see link below).

But as we said, no one could produce so much as a photograph of the so-called sqrat. Until now...

Patriots, as shocking as the photo above may be, you'll be more disturbed to learn that the shot was taken in a foreign land, on Corfu Island, Greece, by regional operative Patriot Papadakis, not on the streets of New York.

What significance do we give this amazing discovery? Is the bushytail horde secretly breeding sqrats and spreading their misbegotten offspring around the globe? Is Corfu just one destination? Or is it the source?

To answer that question, we contacted the director of the Attica Zoological Park in Athens, Mr. J. J. Lesueur. He ignored our questions and gave this response...

The squirrel you have photographed is most likely a Fat Dormouse [scientific name -Glis glis-]. They are widespread in Southern Europe and are found in fruit orchards. Their size is 30 cm.

Regards.
J. J. Lesueur
Zoo Director

Patriots, J. J. calls the creature pictured to your right both a squirrel and a dormouse (click for large version). However, while both are rodents, the dormose is not in the squirrel family.

Could this mean that the maniacal nutzys have managed to develope a... stealth skwerl? A skwerlball whose true genetic makeup can not be detected by the usual routine tests?

In other words, can we trust our eyes and assume that the dormouse is a skwerl by any other name? And if it is, what peril does this pose to civilization?

We directed the questions above to National Forest Service spokesperson Bob Woodward. His response follows...

You!?! How did you get this number!?! Let me put it to you this way... I've been studying the text of the Patriot Acts and the Victory Act. You know, the laws Bush and Ashcroft say will make us safe by taking away our civil liberties?

Anyway, what seems to be missing is any mention of the likes of you. So, I'm calling my representative in congress today to propose a new law, and we'll call it the Idiot Act in honor of you and your dim-watt friends...

Well, Bob, your insults aside, we think you have something there. We note that the Patriot Act essentially offers us blanket protection against evil-doers; while the Victory Act supposedly only targets drug dealers and their associates, classifying them as terrorists - sort of narrows it down...

So, we figure that the government is going to start naming specific evil-doing people and/or professions as terrorist enemies of the state. Maybe they'll give us for-our-protection laws like the Possibly Scary Ethnic Person Act, the Canadians Who Won't Go Along With Us Act, the You're Not Really A Christian Act, the Unemployed Under $25,000.00 Per Year Blue Color Collar Worker Act...

See where we're going with this? There are so many people, places and things to be scared of and/or about (click photo to hear Attorney General Ashcroft explain).

Thus, we can just add on the "Maybe You're A Skwerl and Maybe You're Not, But It's Better Safe Than Sorry Act". That way, anything that seems to be even remotely skwerl-like can be... Well, you get the picture.

Patriots, we admit that we have some reservations regarding our proposal. After all, perhaps the dormouse is... just a dormouse with no connection to the drooling skwerlballs.

So, is it fair to classify all critters that bear even a passing resemblance to a skwerl as one? Isn't that buying into one of the false promises of squirrel world domination? That is, that the end justifies the means?