Patriots, here's yet another in a string of features centering on the existence of the legendary Skwerlfoot.

For those who don't know, the blaspheme of Orthodox Skwerlhuggery maintains that the Mystical Nice Squirrel planted the Tree of Delicious Nuts somewhere in North America's Pacific Northwest eons ago. Supposedly, the first skwerls sprang from this tree to embark on the quest for squirrel world domination. To protect the Tree, the Nice Squirrel assigned the humongous Skwerlfoot the task of guarding it from those who seek to destroy it and squirrel world domination.

It's logical to assume that all Skwerlfoot sightings come from the areas in and around British Columbia, Washington state, and Oregon. In fact, sightings come from around the world. Most are false.

False Skwerlfoot sightings come from folks who think any skwerl larger than a chipmunk is too large; or from those who mistake large, man-made replicas of skwerls as the real thing; and from degenerate skwerlverts who manufacture photos and films in an attempt to convince others that Skwerlfoot exists...

FALSE SIGHTINGS: RATUFA - BIGGER THAN A CHIPPY; MAN-MADE; FRAUD (CLICK FOR VIDEO)

The most recent Skwerlfoot sighting comes from a visitor to Capitol Reef National Park in southern Utah...

Friends,

Me and my brother were in Capitol Reef National Park over Easter and saw the largest squirrel we've ever seen. My brother said it must be Skerrlfoot, I said wtf???? He told me about you guys so I though you should know. It disapeared in to an old mine shaft with a warning sign that said RADIOACTIVE! We've NEVER going back but we though you should know so you can warn people.

Sign me,
A Concerned Patriot

Patriot Concerned Patriot's report has similarities with other Skwerlfoot sightings. Of particular note is his observation that the creature disappeared into a large hole in the ground; in this case an abandoned mine shaft.

The hole story has been repeated many times. For example, the Nez Perce tribe tells of a monsterous devil creature named "Jahabich." Jahabich haunted the mountains of northern Nevada centuries ago (click Jahabich for comment).

According to legend, warriors tracked the beast and forced it into a cave near the modern day town of Jarbidge, Nevada. The warriors sealed the entrance to the cave and believed they had trapped the demonic creature forever.

Was Jahabich really Skwerlfoot? We can't say for sure, but those claiming that they've seen the humongous nutzy often report seeing it enter or exit a subterranean passageway.

Has a "cave" sighting ever been confirmed? Never. There's almost always an objective, reasonable explanation. Consider our investigation of Lehman Cave in Great Basin National Park, Nevada. Reports of a giant skwerl living in that cave could not be confirmed, but we did find a plentitude of over-agitated chimpunks in its depths as our photos show:

DID A SURPRISING FIND MAKE CHIPPY SEEM BIGGER THAN LIFE?

Of course, we'd be remiss if we didn't investigate the Capitol Reef Sighting. Our team spent two days at Capitol Reef National Park and several more investigating the areas around the park.

On the first day, we did locate the mine shaft described by Patriot A Concerned Patriot at the turnoff for the Hickman Bridge-Navajo Dome canyon trailhead... but no Skwerlfoot.

We proceeded up the canyon to the trailhead and on the trail as far as Hickman Bridge. Again, no Skwerlfoot; in fact, no skwerls at all.

SCENES FROM THE WASTELAND
click thumbs for large versions

After searching for several days, our only positive finding was an ancient stone carving of a slavering chitterbox. The monument stongly suggests that a cult of nutzy-worshipping skwerlhuggers once occupied the area, but it's hardly evidence of Skwerlfoot's presence in the here and now...

From a bygone era: evidence of a skwerlien cult, but no Skwerlfoot (click for comment)

Then, on the last day we observed common rock (ground) squirrels near the Fremont River bridge. While their presence certainly poses a danger to unwary tourists, the risk is minimal to those who remain vigilant and ready to fend off any skwerlien agression...

 
Common rock squirrel and a bridge too far for the unprepared; click skwerl for comment

We then made ready to leave when we were stunned to spy what is arguably the largest skwerl in North America, the Yellow-Bellied Marmot (Marmota flaviventris).

The slavering beast lumbered into view, increased speed to avoid our oncoming armored RAV4, and disappeared down a hole in a mountainside slag heap.

Fortunately, we were able to capture photos of the demonic brute... Could this be the Skwerlfoot observed by Patriot A Concerned Patriot?

Marmota flaviventris: bigger than your usual skwerl; click for big pics

In the end, we had to conclude that Patriot A Concerned Patriot's sighting may have been a false sighting (i.e. marmot vs. Skwerlfoot), or it remains an unconfirmed sighting of the nefarious Skwerlfoot.

The wildcard in all this is the presence of a skwerlien shrine: is it really prehistorical site, or does a modern-day cult of skwerlverts live in the area, using the monument pictured above for its unholy rituals and adoration of the bushytail horde and squirrel world domination? We hope to return to the area in the near future to complete our investigation and answer this pressing question.