Several years ago, we reported on the mysterious and murderous skwerlien doings in and around Dover, New Hampshire. Unconfirmed reports had it that a single chipmunk was responsible; a chippy the locals dubbed... Chipper the Ripper.

Back then, our investigators teamed up with local Anti-Squirrel Coalition operatives to track Chipper down. After weeks of fruitless searches, the following report stunned the nation...

"i will never forget the sight that met my eyes! ...I saw (the bird), slumped halfway out of the hand-hold of a milk crate. Her wings were splayed out and she was dead, but most disturbing was the striped form leaning over her... A CHIPMUNK! A CHIPMUNK?!? I considered detaining him, but the closer i got the more it became evident that this was no ordinary chippie. For one thing, why wasn't he running away? Well, i thought, if he is innocent, then he has nothing to hide, right? Then he bent down to take another bite... i screamed, i ran!"

Chipper's rampage continued unabated until one day we received a report that he'd been found dead with a single puncture wound to the back of his head.

Rumor had it that Chipper was assasinated by the Squirrel Enforcement Army (which viewed the munk as a loose cannon). However, subsequent investigation proved nothing and the dead chimpunk was never positively identified as the Ripper...

"How the HELL should I know how that chipmunk died. Maybe a cat got him, or maybe a bird pecked him to death - it happens. But I'll tell you what doesn't happen: There is NO Chipper the Ripper - that sounds like a fairytale to scare little children with; and there's NO SUCH THING as the Squirrel Enforcement Army. Now, will you please get a life and stop bothering me!?!" ~Ranger Bob Woodward, spokesperson, National Forest Service

All this would be just a scary children's story except that we continued to receive Chipper the Ripper sigtings for months afterwards.

Chipper's trail led from New Hampshire through the upper mid-West, down to Kentucky and there the sightings ceased.

Then, we received a report from our operatives in Iowa about the brutalization of an innocent garter snake by a crazed chipmunk... a chimpunk with all the characteristics of Chipper the Ripper...

Using his furry tail, Chipper pounds helpless snake. Photo courtesy of CADL
click photo to hear poor snake's cries for help - 113k wav

The photo sequence accompanying the above is so disturbing that we're unwilling to publish it in it's entirety. However, to reassure you and yours that the poor, little snake managed to escape this brutal attack, we offer the following confirming shots...

  
  
Chipper bludgeons delicate snake; snake fights back and escapes; photos CADL

Given the serious nature of this unprovoked attack, we also contacted the source of the photos, the Chipmunk Anti-Deprivation League (CADL).

CADL exists for one sinister purpose: to promote wanton and debauched chiphuggery (click chiphuggers for comment).

Moreover, CADL refuses to acknowledge that chipmunks are part and parcel with the bushytail horde's quest for squirrel world domination. Incredibly, CADL believes that the over-agitated chipsters are victims of skwerlien treachery, not allies.

Knowing the above, we should've expected the ridiculous response we received from a CADL spokesperson known only as... "Mandarino". Chiphugger Mandarino wants us to believe that the chipmunk in the photos is an "INCREDIBLY stupid juvenile chipmunk" who was attacked by the snake.

Patriots, CADL can put whatever spin on the incident they want, but photos do not lie. That chipmunk clearly and nearly beat the tarnation out of that poor, adorable snake. Moreover, can there be any doubt that the slavering munk is infact the infamous Chipper the Ripper? We think not.

"There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn't necessarily a lie even if it didn't necessarily happen." (John Steinbeck, Sweet Thursday, Chapter 8.)

ATTENTION SKWERLHUGGERS: Were you appalled by Chipper the Ripper's violence against snakes? Are you prepared to reject skwerlhuggery and the false promises of squirrel world domination but can't quite break away from your addiction? May we suggest joining Skwerlhuggers Anonymous - the easy 3-step program that will free you from the shackles of skwerlien oppression...

JOIN SKWERLHUGGERS ANONYMOUS