Patriots, recent news reports from the UK trumpet the return of the pine marten to the wilds of England and Wales. The elusive, cat-sized predators were almost wiped out across the UK due to persecution from humans and habitat loss, except for a few scattered populations in Scotland.
However, a new report from Oxford University, reveals the brown and white carnivores are starting to regain a foothold in parts of England and Wales.
The return of the pine marten should aid us in our struggle against the bushytail horde's quest for squirrel world domination. After all, pine martens eat skwerls. However, as historians of the struggle will tell you, all is not what it seems. Consider an earlier study that throws a cloud over pine marten allegience to the cause...
Theory suggests red squirrels and Pine Martens are teaming up
David Marsland, STV.TV - Tuesday, 13 November, 2007
They were the deadliest of enemies but they may just have become the best of friends.
Conservationists in Perthshire say Pine Martens appear to be coming to the rescue of red squirrels by driving out the invading greys.
It is a remarkable new theory that suggests the endangered red may have found a powerful ally in what was its predator.
They are two of the most endangered animals in Scotland.
Now, in a remarkable twist, animals that should be deadly enemies may be forging an alliance for survival against a common foe - the American grey squirrel.
So far, nothing has been able to stop their march.
In Perthshire, something has been happening which has taken researchers by surprise.
Conservation work has led to a rise in the Pine Marten population, which has been feeding off its natural prey the squirrel.
While the greys are taking a hit, the reds have been more or less left alone.
It is the first hope for the red squirrel in a long time...
As most of you know, there is a civil war raging between the United Kingdom's native red skwerl and the introduced North American gray chitterbox. Until now, the nutzy rouge have been on the losing end of the stick and they are close to extinction in the UK.
So, is this a sudden, new alliance between Pine Martens and the slavering red skwerlballs designed to turn the tide of battle?
To answer that question, we need to look back 50 years or so to the middle of the last century. It was then that a crazed red skwerl named Tufty Fluffytail seized control of the Squirrel Enforcement Army, infiltrated the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, and became known as the infamous Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel (see links below for more info).
Tufty's stated goal, encrypted in his Manifestos, is to destroy human civilization and to bring squirrel world domination to fruition. He soon rallied the bushytail horde world-wide to his banner and his evil genius sustains the skwerlien pursuit of power today.
To solidify his hold on his minions, Tufty employs an elite corps of Inner Circle Thugs. Prominent among them is Willy Weasel...
That's right, Patriots, we stressed the word "weasel" because it's the generic name for mammals in the genus Mustela of which Pine Martens are a just one example.
Why would Tufty recruit a weasel to the skwerl-side? After all, weasels eat skwerls.
The answer is simple and logical: Tufty brought Willy on board as an enforcer to keep the troops in line - and that's exactly what's going here.
That's right, Tufty, finally fed up with the internal bickering between the Nutzy Rouge and the gray menace, ordered Willy Weasel and his Pine Marten Goons to make an example of the grays in Perthshire (click Willy for comment).
Patriots, will Tufty's harsh discipline bring harmony to the UK's skwerls? We doubt it. But we're hoping that the Pine Martens will come to their senses, turn away from the traitor Willy Weasel, reject the false promises of squirrel world domination, and do the right thing by rejoining the ranks of those opposing the bushytail horde's efforts to subjugate the planet.