Patriots, you may recall the short feature we published in March 2006 concerning the bushytail horde's threat to major league baseball. Our report included a vidoe clip of the notorious Happy Jack Skwerl disrupting a game in Montreal. The clip is still online (see link below).

We hoped that Happy Jack would simply go away. After all, baseball has enough problems without interference from the drooling nutzys. I guess we were naïve to think the threat could be ignored... because now come this report from skwerlhuggers Amy and Rick:

In case you haven't heard, Happy Jack the squirrel has returned to Yankee Stadium. He first showed up last week against the Red Sox and then tonight against the Mariners. He has been hanging out on the right field foul pole and has developed quite a following. Fans have been using pictures of squirrels to track strike outs and tonight they were chanting "Let's go Squirrel!"

I know there were some articles in a couple of local papers that indicated the squirrel might be a bad omen for the Yanks. Obviously the people who wrote those articles were Mets fans who are jealous the squirrel will not come to Shea stadium.

After the squirrel showed up at the Red Sox game, the Yankees went on to sweep them. And tonight the Yanks were struggling to hold on to a 1-0 lead but once the squirrel showed up, they went on to rout the Mariners 12-3.

What else will it take for people to understand that squirrels are Yankees fans? Does the squirrel need to come down from the foul pole and bite the opposing right-fielder on the leg? Does he need to catch a fly ball in his mouth and bury it somewhere in the warning track? Maybe Steinbrenner should rename the Yankees the N.Y. Grey Squirrels? (actually, that's not a bad idea!)

Anyway, all I know is each time Happy Jack has made an appearance it brought nothing but good luck to the Yankees. I hope he keeps coming back for the rest of the season!

Sincerely,
Skwerlhuggers (and die-hard Yankee fans) Amy & Rick

Patriots, we read the news articles referred to in Amy and Rick's report. They do proffer the possibility that the skwerl at Yankee Stadium is a bad omen.

For example, an article in the New York Times dated August 31, 2007, compares the maniacal chitterbox to Ratatosk, the skwerl that fomented discord between the eagle and the serpent on the Norse tree of life (click skwerl for comment).

As some of you know, things went from bad to worse thanks to Ratatosk's shenanigans and the eagle ends up on the losing end of the stick. The Times article likens the Yankees to the the eagle in the Ratatosk myth.

We wish the Ratatosk analogy were accurate. That would simplify humanind's response to this nefarious threat. That is, there would undoubtedly be a sudden and swift demand to eject the demon skwerlball from the stadium and ban all skwerls from baseball forever.

However, Happy Jack poses a less universal, but nonetheless dangerously specific menace to society. No, his goal isn't to destroy the known universe. Happy Jack is on a mission to spread the false promises of squirrel world domination. How? By cavorting about and misleading the ignorant and innocent into believing that baseball (as a metaphor for the world) will be a happier place when it's run by skwerls. In this way, he hopes to turn thousands of the ignorant and innocent to the skwerlside.

It's this immediate threat that the media and public fail to recognize or to take action against. Worse, Happy Jack drags more victims into the abyss of wanton skwerlhuggery with each passing game. Not convinced? Just take a look at the glazed looks of bliss on the spectators in this photo:



Patriots, Happy Jack's criminal gamboling about is clearly a call to arms if baseball (as a metaphor for civilization) is to be saved.

Fans should withhold the tempation to offer Happy Jack any tribute, be it applause, peanuts, cheap beer, Cracker Jacks, or popcorn. Do not encourage the nutzy. Avert your eyes less you fall victim to his mind-controlling gaze and warn others of the danger.

Further, Yankee Stadium must be prodded into taking the steps necessary to remove Happy Jack from the ball park and return him to the pit of perdition from whence he sprang.

And finally, Patriots, the Commisioner of Baseball must declare the game off limits to all skwerlien intrusions. If not, how long will it be before our beloved game will taken over by hopped-up busytails and the only baseball cards in circulation will look like this...