Patriots, we're often asked what one should do if they happen upon a dead skwerl. The answer is simple assuming you have some chicken wire, a can of Sterno, and a mirror.
But if you don't, the standard response is to bury it or throw it in the trash (being mindful of proper handling techniques to avoid contracting disease or parasites).
Most of you are content with the foregoing answers. However, some of you also want to know if there's any fun to be had with dead skwerls?
The answer is, of course, there are many fun and funny things you can do with a dead chitterbox. Here are just a few:
Dress-up and/or pose your dead skwerl with something or someone: this is the perennial favorite world-wide. Examples include posing the deceased in/with funny hats, undergarments, weapons, illegal drugs, beer bottles, action figures or dolls, friends, etc. We found the following photos doing a quick image search on the web's image dumps:
Of course, photos are all well and good. However, some people use dead skwerls as characters in comedy skits. Until recently, these were only enjoyed by the skit-maker's friends and family.
Thank goodness for the rise of video dumps like YouTube. Now you can film the performance and share it with the world. Check out this video of a dead skwerl smoking, then try to tell us these wankers weren't having the times of their lives:
Use your dead nutzy as the foundation for a practical joke: what could be funnier than surprising someone with a dead skwerl? Lots of things according to the victims of these pranks. Heck, they obviously just don't get it.
Be that as it may, the temptation to tape a deceased bushytail to a truck's windshield or dorm room door is too much for some to pass up.
And then there's the hidden skwerl prank. The basics involve hiding a squirrel in or under something and waiting for or prompting the victim to discover it. The wait can be maddening, but oh the payoff.
Consider the video below. In it, an excited prankster gives his friend a present on his anniversary. Talk about an ungrateful recipient...
The hidden skwerl prank is also used to impress complete stangers and/or members of the opposite sex.
This might be just the thing for shy types who have difficulty meeting people. Why? Because not only is it fun, but the person on the receiving end of the prank gets to instantly see what a clever person you are.
Click on the screenshot to your left to see how exciting your social life becomes when you have a dead chitterbox and a wheelchair to play with.
Raise the dead (skwerl): ok, we find this one a bit odd, too. Maybe even ill-advised. However, some people do try to revive dead nutzys in interesting ways. Unfortunately, the whole concept raises moral and ethical questions that we're unprepared to answer. So, we decided to turn to the experts for help.
First, we asked Ranger Bob Woodward, spokesperson for the National Forest Service for an opinion. His response follows:
What!?! Do I look like a priest to you!?! How did you get in here? Wait... that's not a Press Card, it's a bus pass! SECURITY!!!
Afterwards, we followed up on Ranger Bob's suggestion to consult a theological authority. That would be Deacon Rupert down at the Holy Tabernacle Church of the Burning Waters.
Deacon Rupert's advice boiled down to this: attempting to raise the dead is an unforgivable abomination and, therefore, worse than marrying your underage cousin(s).
So, it looks like those of you who try to bring dead skwerls back to life are half way through Perdition's gates already, but from the looks of the following videos, trying is fun and potentially profitable:
LEFT: INVOKING JESUS' HELP; RIGHT: THE SCIENTIFIC APPROACH
So, Patriots, are you ready to go out and grab some fun with a dead skwerl? Well, you might think twice after reading the following news brief:
Man arrested for abusing squirrel
Minors filmed man kicking dead animal near parking garage
By: Daniel Human - Posted: 4/24/08, Ball State Daily News
Three minors found themselves in a squirrelly situation Monday when Ball State University police caught them abusing a dead animal.
Muncie resident Robert Dennis, 18, was released from Delaware County jail early Tuesday on $2,000 bond after he was arrested after police say he abused a dead squirrel and filmed it with a cell phone, according to jail and police reports.
Dennis was arrested Monday on charges of criminal mischief, criminal recklessness and illegal possession of a fox squirrel out of season, according to police reports.
When police officers arrived, Dennis was kicking a dead squirrel near the McKinley Avenue parking garage, and two minors were beside him laughing, according to reports.
Dennis was then taken to Delaware County Jail, and the two juveniles were taken to the Ball State Police Department.
According to the Indiana Code, if Dennis is convicted of his Class C misdemeanor, he could receive up to 60 days in prison and a maximum fine of $500.