Patriots, an important part of the bushytail horde's plan for squirrel world domination is turning otherwise rational people to the skwerl-side. Those that turn, the ones we call "skwerlhuggers", serve their nutzy overlords by preaching the false promises of squirrel world domination to others.

While their are many false promises, it boils down to this: skwerls are nice, and a world ruled by skwerls will also be nice... So, it is our duty to set the record straight.

Consider the following letter from an unrepentant skwerlvert:

I was searching for some information about squirrel behavior and happened on your page. I saw the most amazing thing yesterday. I love squirrels by the way!

I saw a dead squirrel in the road which was reallya sad sight. It looked like it had just happened but then these two other squirrels came into the street and took turns pulling their dead friend back to the side of the road! I don't know what happened next because we were driving and couldn't stop, but I can just imagine the squirrels having a little funeral for their friend with all the neighborhood squirrels attending, and maybe even a wake after that!!!

My point is that you can't say that squirrels are evil or demons after seeing something as touching as this!!!!!!!!!

~xxxBridget

Patriots, it sometimes pains us to shatter a pathetic skwerlhuggers illusions about their precious chitterboxes. But, Bridget, skwerls don't have funerals, and if there was a wake, the meal was most likely... the deceased:

EASTERN GRAY SQUIRREL DEVOURS DEAD BABY - CLICK SKWERL FOR COMMENT

Ok, now some of you are wondering what's going on here. Is the skwerl in the photo above an aberration - sort of a Hannibal Lector of the skwerl world?

The answer is, no. Skwerls will and do eat their dead. Under famine conditions, and sometimes aggravated by overpopulation, urban chitterboxes have been observed to eat each other. However, we have witnessed wild California Ground Squirrels chowing down on a dead comrade when no adverse conditions exist. And in some cases, adult skwerls will even attack and eat stranger's newborns.

It would be one thing if skwerls just gobbled up each other and left it at that. But the fact is, a drooling nutcruncher will eat just about anything that crosses its path - living or dead.

Need further proof? Then you may not have seen our prior Carny the Skwerl features, but here's some examples from the archive:

TOP: SKWERL CHOMPS OFF KATYDID'S HEAD; VIDEO OF GOLDEN-MANTLED G-SKWERL EATING MOUSE
BOTTOM: VIDEO OF NUTZY DEVOURING ROBIN; SKWERL EATS BUNNY'S BRAINS

Patriots, the significance of all this is obvious. Skwerls just pretend to be lovey little vegan bushyballs when they're actually predatory, carniverous assasins.

And so skwerlhuggers, if squirrel world domination should come to pass, who amongst you will feel comfortable taking your baby to the park...?

A READER CHALLENGES OUR FINDINGS:

Under "What do squirrels eat?" you show a photo of a "squirrel" eating bunny brains. That ain't a squirrel, it's a goundhog, and there is absolutely no evidence there that it is eating the bunny brains; it apears to merely be checking it out (no guts on the groundhogs face). My purpose in wasting this time writing to you is to remind you that you lose credibility when you lie. If you really want a world war on skwerls, find legitimate reasons. The skwerls in my yard run when I try to feed them, they've never tried to open my skull and go for my brain (maybe not worth the effort).

Ed. response: We can assure you that the varmint is a squirrel, a ground squirrel in Arizona. The photo was taken by one of our operatives who confirmed that the squirrel did, in fact, eat the poor, innocent bunny's brains. Even if the skwerl is just observing the gore, the other examples presented on this page fully support our position. That is, skwerls will eat anything and anyone. Oh, yeah, and here's the "groundhog" chewing on the bunny's leg:


The real question is: who or what did in the bunny? We think you know...

ATTENTION SKWERLHUGGERS: Were you appalled by Carny's violence against baby skwerls, etc.? Are you prepared to reject skwerlhuggery and the false promises of squirrel world domination but can't quite break away from your addiction? May we suggest joining Skwerlhuggers Anonymous - the easy 3-step program that will free you from the shackles of skwerlien oppression...