As most Patriots know, one of the basic tenets of orthodox skwerlhuggery and false promises of squirrel world domination is that "someday a Nice Squirrel will come to set everything right."

Of course, we hold that this blasphemy is no more than a cultish moronity dreamed up by skwerlverts to ensnare the cognitively and morally weak.

Nonetheless, belief in and worship of the Nice Squirrel persists. Examples are the Prairyan Nation in South Dakota and Olney's White Squirrel Festival in Illinois (see links below).

One of the more militant white skwerl cults is the Albino Squirrel Preservation Society (ASPS) with assemblies in Texas, Pennsylvania, Canada and England.

Recently, we received a statement from Dustin Ballard, ASPS International President declaring...

I would like to let you know that despite your anti-squirrel efforts, the Albino Squirrel Preservation Society continues to spread across the nation and beyond. I hope that someday you will come to appreciate all that the squirrels have done for us.

Well, we certainly do appreciate the threat of squirrel world domination. So, we asked Anti-Squirrel Coalition field operatives to report on any unusual activity by the ASPS. Subsequently, we received the following report from Patriot Concerned Student...

We have a white squirrel which has masterminded the formation of another chapter of the Albino Squirrel Preservation Society (ASPS) on the campus of the University of North Texas in Denton, TX.

This squirrel has managed to gain mental control of at least 300 students, directing them to sign a petition which will officially name the evil, ghostly being and maybe even make the creature a secondary mascot of the university.

If the beast is chosen to represent our school, I'm deeply afraid that the hideous animal will degrade the integrity of our fine university (click skwerl for comment).

Hopefully, the squirrel's sphere of influence is only limited to 300 students, and the remaining student body will do the right thing: resist the white squirrel's evil ways and vote down the hostile takeover of our fine mascot (an Eagle).

Additionally, the ASPS published pictures of the squirrel and its residence with easily identifiable landmarks. Thus, those of us in the Resistance can take more direct action against the beast. We've put out an All-Points-Bulletin for the squirrel and we will not retreat from our efforts to end its hold on our school!

Patriots, what frailty compels otherwise intelligent people to forsake humanity and turn to the skwerlside? How can the ASPS justify itself? Perhaps the answers lie in the traitors' own words. So, we culled statements made by members of the North Texas cult during a televised interview about the "Lucky Squirrel" for your consideration. Click on the images below to hear their faithless words...

There you have it, the mindless chants, the inability to explain gaps in their dogma, the belief in the false promises of squirrel world domination, and the desperate need to belong... all hallmarks of the cult mentality.

So, what's to be done? How can we put down this insideous cult of wanton skwerlhuggery?

Some Patriots will immediately suggest eliminating the albino nutzy. Ordinarily, we would agree, but this situation is different. The ASPS claims that the skwerl has mystical qualities. So, rather than dispatching the chitterbox to parts unknown, it should be captured, put on display and exposed for the common minion of squirrel world domination that it is.

As for the cult itself, our resident psychiatrist, Dr. Eliza notes that every cult has potential dissidents, weak links if you will.

For example, the photo below shows North Texas ASPS members cloistered together, apart from everyday campus life (click photo to hear brainwashing sermon). Note that several members are not wearing the ASPS's shirt.

Dr. Eliza observes that this behavior is a passive-aggressive display of opposition to the cult (or that the shirts were in the laundry). However, the dissident members are unable to leave the cult because they fear reprisals from other members, or worse.

Thus, rather than targeting the albino skwerlball, Patriot Concerned Student and other loyal Patriots should consider a campaign to deprogram the ASPS's unfortunate victims of skwerlhuggery, turn them away from the false promises of squirrel world domination, and return them to the real world as productive, happy members of human society...

Dear scary squirrel world,

My name is T.J. Zambrano and I am the President and Defender of Squirrels for the North Texas chapter of the ASPS. I am also the one being interviewed in the newsclip mentioned (in your feature).

Many people believe that we are trying to 'overthrow' our current mascot, the Eagle. In fact, we are not. We would only like to have the albino squirrel serve as a popular complement to the Eagle.

Wouldn't it be a wonderful world in which eagles and squirrels could live in peace, as friends?

You may read our proposals at http://orgs.unt.edu/asps/sga.htm or contact me at northtexasalbino@yahoo.com

-T.J. Zambrano


ATTENTION SKWERLHUGGERS: Are you prepared to reject skwerlhuggery and the false promises of squirrel world domination but can't quite break away from your addiction? May we suggest joining Skwerlhuggers Anonymous - the easy 3-step program that will free you from the shackles of skwerlien oppression...

JOIN SKWERLHUGGERS ANONYMOUS