Six million years ago, the first of mankind's ancestors stood up. Steadying themselves on two legs, they surveyed the world around them.
What these pre-humans observed shocked them. Even with the limited cognitive powers of an ape, they realized that the beast staring back at them was a far greater danger than any lion, tiger or bear.
Evolution is a slow process. Before the arrival of Homo sapiens, the bushytail horde ran rampant over the planet for more than 30 million years. And contrary to a plenitude of objective evidence that states otherwise, some experts tell us that the slavering skwerlballs were the causal factor in the demise of Homo erectus, Homo soloensis, Homo rhodesiensis, and others (click expert for comment).
However, modern man proved to be a tougher nut to crack than the drooling skwerlballs anticipated. The maniacal chitterboxes soon realized that Homo sapiens were wise to their ways.
They also recognized that human reproduction would someday overwhelm the planet and its resources. In a worst-case scenario, skwerlien habitat would be buried under human sprawl. Subsequently, the nutzys would be forced into small, urban enclaves where they would clown about for the amusement of humans. Then, as the environment collapsed under the weight of human abuse and neglect, crops would fail, herds would succumb to disease or genetic frailty and humans would turn a hungry eye towards the bushytail horde in a final apocalyptic confrontation...
The scenario above was proposed by bushytail prophets soon after the invention of the wheel and upon learning that the first skwerl was run over somewhere in ancient Mesopotamia, probably around 4000 BC... The bushytail horde formulated a plan for squirrel world domination and swore vengeance on the human race from that day forward.
Key to skwerlien strategy is the preservation of skwerlball territory while degrading human habitat. The nutzys accomplish this by direct attacks on humans and human infrastructure. The horrific, world-wide, almost daily bushytail attacks chronicled in the news are not isloated incidents; they're all part of a well-planned plot to subdue mankind (Click pic for comment).
However, the chitterboxes also use more subtle and devious methods, including recruiting legions of human skwerlhuggers who will stop at nothing to promote squirrel world domination. Although the following occurred in 2003, consider the accusations of skwerlhuggers Lorine Randels and Laronda Leigh against the charitable organization, Habitat for Humanity...
Prairie dog protest
Annie P. Hundley - Greeley Tribune - Greeley, Colorado
November 17, 2003 - A north Greeley mother and daughter who are upset about a new Greeley Habitat for Humanity development killing a colony of prairie dogs are fighting a losing battle.
Lorine Randels, 73, and Laronda Leigh, 50, have attended public meetings to protest the Greeley Habitat for Humanity development that is coming to Randels' neighborhood at 16th Avenue and 2nd Street. They have told Habitat developers and city officials that prairie dogs shouldn't have to die to make way for development.
An exterminator has already started gassing the colony. In response, Leigh posted signs along the property's southern fence - just north of Randels' home - that say "Entering Prairie Dog Cementary (sic) - Nazi Germany Used Gas Too!!"
Patriots, equating Habitat for Humanity, whose mission is to help low income families build and own their own homes, with nazism is imbecilic at best. Thus, it should come as no surprise that skwerlhuggers Lorine and Laronda are demanding that Habitat relocate the p-dawgs.
What's wrong with relocation? Successful relocations are rare. Mortality rates among relocated prairie dogs run high, up to 70% and more. In some cases, this guarantees the demise of the entire relocated band through predator attrition, natural death and an inability to sustain a colony due to a declining population.
Still, pathetic skwerlhuggers are eager to ingratiate themselves with their skwerlien masters. They'll make any attempt, however unreasonable to stall human progress and gain reprieves for unfortunate nutzys found in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Unbelievably, the mewlings of these traitors to humanity do not go unnoticed. In the instant case, the exterminator ran out of poison before the job was done. Approximately 90 dawgs remain and...
Prairie dog town might receive 11th-hour reprieve
Julio Ochoa - Greeley Tribune - Greeley, Colorado
November 23, 2003 - Just when it seemed that a prairie dog colony in north Greeley would be terminated, the company hired to exterminate it ran out of poison halfway through the job and a relocation effort found new life.
Officials will travel to a five-acre piece of privately-owned land near Hudson today to make sure it is suitable to relocate the 90 remaining prairie dogs.
If the site gets approval from the Colorado Division of Wildlife, the critters will be moved as soon as possible so their residence at 16th Avenue and 2nd Street can be developed into a 60-home Habitat for Humanity site.
"It's an act of God that the exterminator ran out of gas," said Laronda Leigh.
Of course, some Patriots argue that if pathetic skwerlhuggers want to eliminate 7 out of every 10 p-dawgs, have at it. However, we take a more moderate approach to the problem...
Our propopsal takes a page from Othodox Skwerlhuggery's end-game scenario (described earlier), a bit from the visionary urban planning of Sir Ebenezer Howard (a traitorous skwerlhugger - click photo for comment) and the commercial potential of a petting zoo.
Our plan isn't new. It was introduced in 1999 by our science editor, Cuzin Cletus in response to whiney skwerlvert complaints about the decline of Maryland's Delmarva Fox Squirrel. That particular nutzy found itself on the state's endangered species list due to urban sprawl and habitat loss. Cletus proposed to create skwerlien "Confineries" surrounded by urban sprawl. The Confineries would preserve some chitterboxes, provide for human habitat and show sensitivity to the needs of injured hunters...
CLICK HERE FOR CUZIN CLETUS'S PROPOSAL
The Confinery Plan should also work in the Greeley case. Habitat for Humanity can simply corral the p-dawgs in the center of its project. The result is an open area for the community, a source of amusement for the residents and even a business opportunity by charging admission to outsiders to visit a real "prairie dog town"...
WILL P-DAWGS GO FOR CLETUS'S PLAN? CLICK DAWG FOR COMMENT
There you have it, Patriots... A plan that is both humane and profitable. More importantly, not only can it be applied to p-dawgs but to all skwerls; thus reducing them to the role of prank monkeys, not free and dangerous minions of squirrel world domination.
POSTSCRIPT: After several weeks of working to relocate the prairie dog colony, Habitat for Humanity officials in Greeley, Colorado ordered its destruction... click here for full story.
Relocator Chuck Davis responds...
OK, this time I'm not sure whether your article on "Habitat for Skwerlhuggery" is tongue-in-cheek or not. I sent this on to some of my prairie dog relocation colleagues and they were upset, even after I explained that usually this site is very "pro-squirrel".
I'll agree that Lorine Randels and Laronda Leigh of Greeley, Colorado went off the deep end with that business comparing Habitat for Humanity with Nazi Germany. That's "off the twig"! But it shows that they have permitted their emotions to get in the way of rational thinking.
The majority of prairie dog advocates (of which I am one of the more conservative species) are willing to work with municipalities and developers to explore ways to humanely relocate prairie dogs PRIOR to development being started. We emphasize that extermination be used ONLY WHEN ALL OTHER OPTIONS HAVE BEEN TRIED AND FAILED.
Unfortunately, some communities, Greeley among them, believe that extermination is the only cost-effective form of prairie dog control.
You asked what is wrong with relocation. Then you stated that successful relocations are rare, with mortality rates running at 70% or more. Where did you get that information? Because it is WRONG! Prairie dog relocators in northern & central Colorado follow strict guidelines developed by the Colorado Division of Wildlife and have recorded SURVIVAL rates as high as 90%!
My group, Prairie Dog Action, has successfully relocation over 1200 prairie dogs in the past 2 years and we have lost only 12 animals due to injuries sustained PRIOR to capture (i.e. from natural predation). Thatís a survival rate of 99%!
Naturally, over the course of time, natural predation has reduced the population of the relocated animals at the relocation sites, but this is a natural ratio of loss. Our sites have new babies every year. And our two major release colonies have actually shown an increase in population because of better forage and environment for the animals. Never have we witnessed the "... demise of the entire relocated band through predator attrition, natural death and an inability to sustain a colony due to a declining population." The only time that an entire colony dies is because of HUMAN PREDATION AND DEVELOPMENT.
The comment "... They'll make any attempt, however unreasonable, to stall human progress..." is ludicrous. Most prairie dog relocators are more than willing to work with cities and developers in order to provide an equitable outcome for both humans and prairie dogs. We have been falsely accused of this in the past and the myth goes on. Prairie Dog Action works closely with local municipalities to provide these services. We have helped some communities to develop their prairie dog management plans and also work on the state level to do the same.
WE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STALL HUMAN PROGRESS! If you've noticed, the November 23 article states that the critters will be moved so Habitat for Humanity can proceed with its plan. That's what we do - we try to get the animals relocated BEFORE they need to be gassed. Some communities prefer extermination (and its not just the prairie dogs that suffer - rabbits, eagles, hawks, snakes, mice, burrowing owls and about 100 other species depend upon prairie dog colonies for their livelyhood) to relocation because they do not care about the local ecology, only about development. How many shopping malls and parking lots do we really need?
There is a lot of myth about prairie dogs and prairie dog relocations, and all of it false and detrimental. Too often, journalists and other writers will perpetuate these myths and rumors because its too much trouble to check the facts. We do a good job for the communities and the animals. We are trying to preserve what little is left of the prairie ecosystem in Colorado and it is a thankless job fraught with misunderstanding, lies and myths. It can be an uphill battle just to get people to listen to what we need to do.
I can go on and on and on. Please don't continue to spread the myths about prairie dogs and relocations.
Chuck Davis - Volunteer prairie dog relocator
We support prairie dog preservation as a keystone species. We also applaud organizations that take an objective, balanced approach to the issue like the PDA.
However, scary squirrel world does not under any circumstance support people like Lorine Randels and Laronda Leigh, no matter how well-intentioned they are.
We also stand behind our criticism of relocation as a solution to the problem. Our criticism isn't based solely on the percentage of surving p-dawgs, and we do not oppose relocation when there are no other viable options. However, just as some segments of the public have been brainwashed into thinking p-dawgs spread disease and have no place in the eco-system (read economy), another segment sees relocation as the cure-all.
Our position and preference in these matters is to preserve critter habitat; even incorporate it into developer's plans. That's suggested in Cuzin Cletus' admittedly obtuse development plan.
It's often hard to figure just where we stand on a subject and/or what we propose as a solution. Our goal, when we actually have something to say (which ain't often) is to stimulate debate. For that reason we sincerely thank Mr. Davis for his response.
~ The Editor
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