Patriots, imagine you're taking a pleasant walk in the woods. Suddenly, a bevy of slavering skwerlballs leaps forth from the trees and shrubberies. You have your Anti-Squirrel Coalition approved whacking stick, but you're outnumbered and about to be overwhelmed.

You beat a hasty retreat and look for shelter. Ahead, there's a Forest Service fire lookout perched high atop a granite monolith. You can make it! You scramble up the steep lookout stairs leaving the skwerls chittering and squeaking below.

But there's something a bit odd about the nutzy's squeaks; as if this were all part of a plan. Still, you're safe. The lookout's ranger greets you, hands you a small, business-sized card, and says, "Congratulations, friend, you're now a member in good standing of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Squirrels..."

The chittering below reaches a crescendo as you scream, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Does the preceding story sound like a fancifully disturbed tale? Or perhaps a scary children's story to keep them from entering the forest alone?

Pathetic skwerlhuggers will tell you that such things don't happen in the woods. If not, then how do they explain this...?

|CARD FRONT|    |CARD BACK|

Of course, veteran Patriots will recall that scary squirrel world was the first to expose the covert skwerlien cult known as the Ancient and Honorable Order of Squirrels (AHOS).

In 1997, we published our first report, A (Dis)Honorable Order (see link below). In it we revealed that AHOS was alive and well in Colorado despite claims to the contrary by highly placed officials within the state and federal governments.

Our investigation continued. However, we were unable to find additional evidence of AHOS' existence and we received no confirmed reports that the cult remained active anywhere, even in Colorado, after 1997 (see In the Shadow of the Citadel link below).

Some suggested that the cult disbanded in 1997 as more an more fire lookouts were retired from service - a circumstance we found hard to believe (click chippys for comment).

But Patriots, the truth will out. On September 09, 2006, during a routine mission into nutzy-held territory east of Porterville, California, we discovered that AHOS had seized and was spreading the false promises of squirrel world domination from the Needles Fire Lookout Tower in the Sequoia National Forest (as evidenced by the card above)...

NEEDLES FIRE LOOKOUT - CLICK THUMBS FOR BIG PICS



AND THE USUAL SUBJECTS...

L-R: CHIPMUNK; DOUGLAS SKWERL; GOLDEN-MANTLED GROUND SKWERL; YELLOW BELLIED MARMOT

Patriots, we were so disturbed by our discovery that we immediately sought out National Forest Service spokesperson, Ranger Bob Woodward, for an explanation. His response follows:

So, let me get this straight... You're upset because the ranger at the lookout was nice to you and gave you what you asked for...? And you want to know what disciplinary action the Forest Service intends to take...!?! I wish we had 1000 more just like her!!! Can't you people stay out of the forest!?! SECURITY!!!

Well, Ranger Bob, we're sure your bushytail overlords would love to ban us from the wilderness; but in spite of Forest Service complicity and the mortal danger posed by the slavering nutters, we will always do the right thing by opposing squirrel world domination wherever it's found.

As for the Ancient and Honorable Order of Squirrels, our investigation continues. We also ask for your comments and reports. Together we can root out this nefarious cult...