scary squirrel world ARE CHIPMUNKS SKWERLS?

Patriots, it seems that every time we publish a photo or story about chipmunks, we receive emails from those who do not know that chimpunks are, in fact, skwerls. Here's a recent example:

"Hey stupid that's a chipmunk not a squirrel youre stooopid and gay!!!!!!!!!"

Although the writer above eloquently states their objection to a featured photo, they're simply wrong. Chipmunks in all their various flavors are an over-agitated member of the squirrel family, Sciuridae. There are 25 known species and even if they slow down for a minute, it's pretty hard to tell one from the other. The photo that caught the emailer's attention follows:

Chipmunk

Awwwwwww, cute, right? Wrong. As long time readers know, we've published article after article documenting chippunk attacks and atrocities aimed at bringing squirrel world domination to fruition.

Consider the mysterious Chipmunk 1334 whose 2003 cross-country crime spree captivated the nation. Or what about the clandestine invasion of England by a band of Siberian chipmunks in May 2005. And then there's the near-mythical Chipper the Ripper, a chippy so vicious that it seeks out and brutally pummels innocent, helpless snakes with its tail.

Needless to say, pathetic skwerlhuggers will characterize our warnings about the dangers of chiphuggery as delusional paranoia. They'd have you believe that their beloved chipsters are nothing more than fuzzy, energetic bits of love.

Tell that to the victims of chipmunk rampage. The following videos show 1) what might happen if you offer a chippy the wrong kind of tribute, and 2) rare footage of Chipper the Ripper attacking a poor little snake...


The proof is in the pudding - horrific chipmunk attacks on film - click to view

Patriots, this is the point where we usually admonish you to do the right thing and propose ways to banish the chipster menace from the face of the earth. Propasals such as Mars Needs Chipmunks as a way to reinvigorate the space program and a new law to restrain chippunks from coming within 2000 feet of any human come to mind.

However, the writer who prompted this feature also accused us of negativism and that if we didn't have anything good to say about skwerls, well, we should just "set yourself on fire and die".

Again it's just not true. We have lots of wonderful things to say about the slavering bushytails. They taste good for one and even a dead skwerl can be an endless source of amusement (see Are Dead Skwerls Fun link below). We'd say that's pretty positive stuff.

The same can be said for chipmunks. In fact, when it comes to having fun with one, it doesn't even have to be dead. Impossible, you say? Well, just take a gander at the chipmunk fishing videos below.


CHIPMUNK FISHING CLIPS AND BONUS SONG ABOUT THE SPORT - CLICK SCREENSHOTS TO VIEW

There you have it. Chipmunks are skwerls and they are part of the bushytail horde's plan for squirrel world domination. Fortunately, there are many solutions to the problem and with a little effort a maniacal chippunk can even become a pleasant diversion on a summer day.

 

RELATED SITES/TOPICS
WIKIPEDIA CHIPMUNK PAGE
NAT'L GEOGRAPHIC CHIPMUNK FACT SHEET
MORE CHIPPY FACTS
ARE DEAD SQUIRRELS FUN?


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