Patriots, the brazenly uncouth nutzy pictured above appears all over cyberspace. He's known by many names. Around here, the skwerlball's known as Skwerl Balsac (and somethimes Skwerl Nutkin).

Skwerl Balsac's presence on the internet rivals or surpasses that of Cheap Beer Squirrel (see link below). Among other things, his image can be found on digital greeting cards, dancing and/or singing skwerl pages (a la Hamster Dance), and simple animations as pictured here.

We suppose there is a smutty, juvenile attraction that prompts some folks to expose Balsac to friends and/or strangers. But, where does Skwerl Balsac come from, and is he simply somewhat naughty entertainment, or is something more sinister going on (click Balsac for comment)?

There's no mystery behind Skwerl Balsac's origins. He is one of many maniacal Cape Ground Squirrels infesting Botswana, Namibia, and South Africa (click map below for large map and info).

   Nevertheless, we're convinced that the only thing Balsac entertains is the desire for squirrel world domination.

Currently, our only proof of Skwerl Balsac's despotic goal is circumstantial.

We note that a super intelligent university professor, Jane Waterman, Ph.D., obtained a National Science Foundation grant (i.e. your tax dollars) to study the Cape Ground Squirrel on its home turf (see link below). The purpose of the study is to observe the social structure and mating habits of the bushytail cabal in Africa.

Some have criticized Dr. Waterman's nutzy research, mostly on the grounds that it's a waste of taxpayer dollars. However, she defends her studies with this explanation: "By comparing the intra- and interspecific variation in behavioral development, dispersal, reproduction, life history and social structure, the significance of various selective factors on the evolution of sociality can be ascertained." Right.

Dr. Waterman's fascination with chitterbox debauchery may be coincidental. However, since she's published no fewer than six articles on the Cape Ground Squirrel since 1995, we wonder if she isn't a victim of skwerlien mind control.

To test our theory, we decided to track down Skwerl Balsac's photographer. Our experts reasoned that the photographer might be able to shed some light on the why, when and where of his encounter with Balsac. This in turn might reveal any bushytail conspiracy that might be afoot.

   Locating the photographer was relatively easy. The photo of Skwerl Balsac is actually copyrighted and can be licensed for use through Corbis, an online repository of digital imagery (meaning all you folks pirating the photo are in BIG trouble...).

   Balsac's photographer is Kevin Shafer, an internationally known photographer out of Seattle, Washington (USA). We asked Mr. Shafer to comment on Skwerl Balsac and what he did or didn't know about squirrel world domination. His response follows:

Hey Gregg,

All I can tell you about my photo is that it was taken in Etosha Nat. Park, Namibia (SW Africa). Apparently the males have really big balls - although I don't know why. On hot days, they shield them with their bodies -- always a good idea...

Ciao,
Kevin
Kevin Schafer Photography
2148 Halleck Ave SW
Seattle WA 98116
http://www.kevinschafer.com

What can we make of Dr. Waterman's studies, Kevin's response and the widespread pirating of a copyrighted work? Clearly, the avaricious hand of bushytail oppression is at work here. Consider the following facts:

Skwerl Balsac and his male counterparts are oddly endowed and make no effort to hide their shame.

Dr. Waterman is obsessed with Skwerl Balsac's sex life, so much so that she's spent hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars peeping at him and his comrades in Africa (You can too. See job link below).

Mr. Shafer's response indicates that he, too, was impressed by Balsac's hang ten appearance. Further, he insinuates that he has no knowledge of the bushytail horde's plan for squirrel world domination. That may be true, but then why does his website link to only these three outside resources: The World Wildlife Fund, The African Wildlife Foundation, and The Nature Conservancy - organizations that are known funders of the skwerlball cause?

Neither Corbis or Mr. Shafer have made any effort to restrict the unauthorized, unlicensed distribution of Skwerl Balsac's photo. Moreover, the photo is always displayed in a less than savory way, with no concern for the many little children and fundamentalist right-wing Christians that may be traumatized by it.

The facts speak for themselves. Skwerl Balsac is the mastermind behind a world-wide nutzy conspiracy to undermine civilization's moral framework (click Skwerl Balsac for comment).

Balsac's goal? To distract us from Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel's overall plan to enslave mankind in an endless cycle of servitude to the chitterbox menance. How else can one explain such things as the Fox Network's decision to renew Friends for another year, the hopeless search for eternal youth, Halle Berry's decision to go topless in movies, and so much more...

Thus, Patriots, the only question that remains is...